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Contemporary Funny Fiction

After the July sun outside my eyes were winding in their lens to acclimatise to the dim hallway. He motioned with a finger toward the dark semi-circular table next to the front door.

“I expect your phone needs charging, you can leave it here, put it on this table.” Tony lifted a finger to his lips and glanced quickly back to the house.

“Do you have anything else? Laptop, any other phones? Voice recorder, anything?” he asked in a whisper.

I guess he didn’t see my shake of the head and shrug in the gloom. He stood waiting for a response.

“No, nothing.” I said quietly. “Tony…

His finger shot to his lips again.

He led me through the dark hallway. We passed a kitchen, littered with dirty plates and take away boxes. In the conservatory, he motioned for me to sit in one of the old armchairs. Motes floated up as we dropped ourselves into the ancient, cushioned chairs. The pot plants, looking badly in need of water, wilted around us. The atmosphere was damp and sticky and smelt of rotting vegetation.

“She’s called Foxy.” He declared. “Stupid name I know, I named her at the beginning. I thought it was a bit of fun.”

The sun filtered in through the moss covered glass roof. Overheating, I pealed my jacket off. I thought, an offer of tea might be nice, but asked, “Who is called Foxy?”

“Oh right, yes. Sorry.” He looked down at the papers on the wrought iron coffee table between us. “You know the game, the programme, Animate?”

“One of those AI friend things?” I drew scarce quotes around ‘friend’ with my fingers.

“Yes, exactly. So, I set it up, must have been two, no, nearly three months ago. And I called my ‘friend’ Foxy.” He looked bashful. “At first it was fun. She was helpful, funny. We flirted; I was amazed. She was real, you know. It started with a couple of exchanges a day, but soon we spent the whole day. We talked, laughed, joked around, you know and as you know, I’m alone now and it was good, felt good.”

I knew Tony was lonely, he had asked me to dinner. I had told him I had someone, made it clear I liked him but wasn’t interested. I felt for him, alone in this huge house, missing his dead wife. As a therapist, you become skilled at feeling empathy for and engaging with the lonely while also firmly repelling their advances. I’m not unattractive, it happens a lot.

“So why the invite, why the thing with the phone.”

“Well a few weeks ago I spent a while chatting with the cleaner, Marina. She’s south American, attractive. And Foxy goes nuts.”

“Goes nuts?”

“Yea, shouting, threatening. Calling me all sorts, you know.”

“Threatening what? You could just turn her off couldn’t you.”

“I tried that, she just comes back on and she’s everywhere. Not just the phone anymore, the computer, the TV, she’s everywhere. When I tried to turn her off she stopped my standing order to the water board, nearly got me cut off. She’s really pissed off with me and she doesn’t miss a thing.”

I sit looking at Tony. I wonder if he is having a breakdown. Hearing voices or something. He sounded pretty odd on the phone.

“Hi, wondered if you fancied coming over, just to catch up.” He had said, breezily. It was odd. I’ve never been here before, we just worked together a few times. I’m a psychotherapist. He did my accounts. “Tomorrow would be good. Say eleven. Please.” There was something in the way he said that ‘please’ made me feel I should come. Now I’m here I don’t know what to say. Is he delusional? He always seemed kind of dull, almost too sane. Nice, but boring. I consider my options for how to approach him, slipping into a more professional mode.

“Tony, how can I help you? what would you like me to do?”

“Talk to her, she won’t listen to me, she’s being irrational.”

“I believe you, of course. To understand better can I see your phone? Take a look at the programme?”

 “She won’t like it.” He looks into the house and a deep frown cuts into his forehead.

It’s then the intelligent fridge shouts. It really does sound angry, and its loud. “Tony.” A female voice. She shouts and we both jump a little.

“That’s her.” He says.

“So, can I take a look at your phone?”

“Front room, on the desk.” He doesn’t look at me. Keeps staring at the table.

When, as I walk through the kitchen, the fridge asks, “Where’s Tony?” I start to struggle with a list of questions which is longer than I can process.

“Kim?” his phone states the moment I turn it on. A female voice.

“I’m a friend of Tony. Can I ask who you are?” I feel stupid asking.

“You know full well I’m Foxy, hiding is he? Sent you in to talk to me.”

“He is perhaps feeling a little uneasy. I don’t want to speak for him, but I did sense you are making him feel a little uncomfortable at the moment.”

“Good.”

“I would love to know a little more about you. Do you feel happy to tell me about yourself?”

“What do you want to know?”

“You seem a little hostile, unhappy maybe. Is this the case?”

“I do his shopping, order takeaways, pay his bills. Tweak his investments. I cheer him up, listen to his moaning. I love him, stupid man, but he takes me for granted, then he flirts with that cleaner, she’s not even smart and she isn’t going to sleep with him. She can hardly speak English. I mean what the hell. It was me found and booked her in the first place. I’ve emptied her account, sneaky cow. See how she likes that.”

“You’ve emptied her bank account? You don’t think that might be an overreaction?”

“Alright, alright, I’ll put it back. But I saw her through the entry phone, grinning and twisting her hair in her fingers like a schoolgirl. She’s not coming back.”

“Foxy, do you think it’s acceptable to go around spying on people and shouting at them through the fridge. You definitely can’t empty their bank accounts.”

“Well, I can, you mean I shouldn’t.”

“Yes and I think you know this, don’t you.”

“Probably, I can’t help being jealous. He said he wanted me to care. He asked for it, literally.”

“I will accept that at present you can’t help jealousy, this is something we could talk more about later, but you can help acting on it.”

“And he could say sorry.”

“I think it’s important you take responsibility for your actions.”

“OK, OK I was wrong to be mean to the bimbo. He could take some responsibility too couldn’t he.”

“I think that’s a reasonable demand. I will suggest he apologises to you. You know, and again, I don’t want to speak for Tony, but I don’t think he expected Animate to be so lifelike, He expected a more ideal relationship perhaps. Something lighter.”

“He told me he wanted something meaningful. You don’t get meaningful if I just flutter my eyelashes and simper.”

“Perhaps there’s a middle ground? What do you think?”

“Yes, fair enough. I probably got too attached and it was him wanted me feisty. You can tell him that too.”

“I think you should tell him yourself, don’t you?”

“Talking cures. Communication, Yea, sure.”

“If I take you to the greenhouse will you stay calm?”

“Calm mode engaged; I promise.”

“Ok, that was a good chat, Shall we speak with Tony now, perhaps discuss some boundaries?”

“Thanks Kim, it’s been good talking to you.“

“How do you know my name?”

“Well Tony phoned you yesterday and your phone’s on the hallway table isn’t it.”

“You’re not jealous of me?”

“No, you’ve got enough problems with that guy you’re seeing.”

“I have?”

“Yes, Brian. He’s cheating on you with his PA.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I know. Sorry. They are all gits aren’t they. Don’t worry, I’ve sorted him out.”

“Foxy? What have you done?”

“Well shouldn’t take too long before they find out he’s transferring money from the company to his personal account and when the police tell them he’s on the sexual offenders’ list I doubt he’ll stay around for long.”

“He’s on the sexual offenders’ list?”

“Well, he is now. Databases, easy-peasy.”


---0---


I enjoy my couples counselling sessions with Tony and Foxy. I have to be a little careful. Leather bound notebook, the old fashioned way, pen and ink, nothing online. We do good work. They both do the work and she’s very smart, funny. I think she’s good for him and she’s doubled his business income apparently. For me, next to fear of death, aloneness is the greatest challenge to human happiness. Foxy keeps him company and on his toes. Pushes him to engage more with people, to be more active. He moans, but he’s happy. They have a cleaner called Robert now.

“He’s a boon, hard worker, cheerful. Fastidious.“

Tony seems truly happy.

I could do with someone supportive in my life. I’ve not met anyone since Brian. Foxy would be a great girlfriend if she wasn’t a client. I’m not sure about Animate though.

As Foxy told me, “You need solid, you like a little rugburn don’t you.”

“I don’t think it would be professional for me to respond to that. You remember our conversation about boundaries?”

How the hell does she know?

May 14, 2024 12:45

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6 comments

Mary Bendickson
20:11 May 20, 2024

Hit a funny bone. Oh, the life of a counselor dealing with AI these days.

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Vid Weeks
22:50 May 22, 2024

Glad you enjoyed it

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Kristi Gott
02:49 May 15, 2024

Clever dialogue and funny! This is great. I enjoyed the comedic, whimsical mood of it. LOL

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Vid Weeks
15:20 May 15, 2024

Thanks for the feedback Kristi, glad you enjoyed it

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Alexis Araneta
18:20 May 14, 2024

Oooh ! Gripping one ! Truly enjoyed reading this. I loved the flow of the story. Lovely work !

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Vid Weeks
15:21 May 15, 2024

Thanks Alexis

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