It’s Not Like When It Used to Be

The sound of the briefcase dropping on the couch along with the stomping footsteps I hear from afar makes my stomach flutter. It is horrifying to me. It makes me want to vomit because of the depressing moments I have faced whenever he’s home.

I look at the table full of our favorite dishes. I used to feel proud after making it, but the feeling of excitement doesn’t seem to have on me anymore. Sometimes, I wonder what makes us like this. What brings us to the point where we could not even stand looking at each other in the face after ten years of being married.

People get married, expecting to love each other for the rest of their life. They never know, or at least do not realize that life is so terribly unpredictable. One, you are happy. Then, two, you become miserable. It’s for the sole reason that while you are capable of falling in love and living with your significant other forever. You also can fall out of love.

What is love?

A feeling of excitement and happiness and sadness. All in once. However, sometimes even though love provides pain, we still cling to it for the purpose of seeing sunshine and smile again one day. But, when we fall out of love with or without intention, there is no excitement or happiness anymore. It’s pure pain.

Like, my husband and I now.

We used to love each other so much to the point that even if when I didn’t know how to cook, he still tasted my food with a smile on his face. He admired me despite the fact that I was not good at making delicious food for him after the tiring day he went working.

Now, it’s so ironic to me.

Because now I am a chef. I always want to make him proud of me, and his smile and compliment urged me to become someone I have never imagined I would be. But, then again why life is so unpredictable?

I am now a chef of a good restaurant around the corner, but I have never got any compliments from him anymore.

How so, though?

I can’t complain even if he never wants to eat my food anymore. The look on his face shows disgusting every time I ask him to taste them.

“I have already eaten.” That’s what he always says when I welcome him with a smile, expecting him to sit down like we used to, and have an incredible dinner together.

Maybe, we could work out if we decide to do that. Hopefully, we could fix what it is that seems to intrude on our marriage life.

That’s why today, with a lot of dishes on the wooden table—the one he bought for us, and trembling hands, I gather all of my courage, putting my pride aside before approaching him.

“Could you please have dinner with me tonight?” I ask, looking down. I am afraid that if I do look at him, he will refuse, and I will be upset before putting all the effort I have done into the trashcan.

It’s what I have been doing for the past few nights.

If he doesn’t eat, I don’t either.

I have no appetite to eat alone at all.

“Yes.”

A smile with unshed tears emerges, but I hide them all well.

I can’t believe that a simple ‘yes’ from his mouth makes me this happy and excited. Then, I look up, finally meeting his eyes.

“Really?”

He smiles softly, “I have not eaten yet.”

Then, he walks past me to the table full of the food I have been cooking and preparing for a few hours before he shows up. I know he didn’t eat anything for the last few nights.

He just lied to me for the sole reason: he doesn’t want to be with his wife anymore.

He sits down across me.

I look at his expression, trying not to cry when realizing that we have not done that for five to six years already since I have got the job at the restaurant. “Thanks,” I smile.

He stares at me, his brow curving up in confusion. That’s what he always does when he is perplexed.

“For having dinner with me.” I continue.

Then, he looks down, acting like he feels guilty about the fact that he lied to me. I am not angry, though if I have got to be honest. I am just upset.

“It’s okay, you know. You don’t want to do it with me because it reminds you of the time when we used to have in the past. I am scared too. But, not in a bad way. Although I don’t know whether it reminds you like it reminds me, or it pains you to see my face at all, I am happy you decided to join me now.”

He drops his fork and spoon lightly on his plate before caressing my hand as if he wants to say sorry but doesn’t know how to.

“You don’t have to say anything. It’s my fault that I value my job…over you.” Finally, I voice out what I have thought that is destroying our life.

I always think about it, but when I speak it out, it sounds terrible than it could be in my mind.

How can I do that?

How can I overlook the responsibility of a good spouse so easily when the job I have is the result of me having him by my side?

Today, if I could, I would fix everything. Then, I look at him with determination to do anything I need to do to have our relationship work out again. “I know you wanted us to have a good family. To be happy and everything. But, I didn’t express much interest in the past. It’s my fault that we barely look at each other anymore. That we rarely talk at night. Eat together or even cook together anymore. It’s my fault…and, I am sorry.” 

I need to do this.

I need to tell him everything and acknowledge my flaws because since we got married, my husband never abused me in any way that could potentially harm me. He never yells at me. He is not an alcoholic.

Even though I know he loves his job so much, he never abandons me for his work because ‘I love you, and I always prioritize you over anything else.’ That’s what he always says to me.

I have not heard this reminder for so long, and I miss it so much. I miss his soothing voice when I am upset about anything at work. I miss his encouragement and his laughter during dinner. I miss everything about him.

“It’s okay. You just do your job.” He replies, smiling softly. “I am sorry too that I act coldly to you. No matter what happened, I have already promised you that I would not make you feel any less. I am sorry that I fail you.” He utters sadly. He swallows a lump in his throat, trying to fight back tears.

God, how much am I so stupid to not realize this faster?

He loves me, and he always will be the person I need on my side. The person that I can’t live without. How can I do this to him?

Then, I burst into tears. My hands are on my face to cover the shame and embarrassment I have for myself. I don’t know why, but I feel like I don’t deserve his love anymore.

“Shh…” Then, strong arms engulf me into a hug. “Don’t cry…you do nothing wrong. You just love your job.”

Finally, I hug him back, feeling the warmth I miss so much. For the past several years, I am always busy. It’s like work consumes me. I literally forget everything that is special about us to the point where he can’t take it anymore. We can’t take it anymore.

“I hurt…you.” I cry on his chest. He shakes his head but says nothing.

I pull back, wiping my tears away. Taking a deep breath, I take out a paper and give it to him.

“What is this?” His face looks terrifying.

 “Open it, please.”

Then, his eyes widen in shock. “You don’t need to do this…”

“I do.”

“Why?”

“I want a family with you, not my job. As cliché as it sounds, I want to have something you wanted to have with me before. Something you told me you always wanted. Look, I don’t know if you still feel the same, but I would do anything to have us back. To have this back…” Then, I motion to the table full of food. To remind him of the time he told me, “I want a family with you. I want to have a baby with you.”

“You really want to do this? I don’t want to force-”

“You don’t force me. I want it.” Then, I point to my resignation letter. “This time, I want to prioritize you over anything else like you used to do for me.”

He genuinely smiles for the first time. This time, it shows happiness instead of pain, and I am happy about that. He hugs me again, tightening his grip around my waist. “I love you. I didn’t use to. In fact, I am and will always be prioritizing you over anything else.”

A few moments later, this dinner becomes the most amazing meal I could ever have with my love.

“These are delicious food you have there, my chef…” He teases me like he used to before we burst into laughter as we dig in all together.

Sometimes, nothing matters when someone we love is not there with us.

Sometimes, a meal for our love means so much to them than we have ever imagined.

THE END.