The Boy With A Flower in His Hair

Dear No One, 

Today, I woke up desperate for life. You may not have known this, but that in itself is miraculous. It completely contradicts the promise I made to myself a month ago. Today is the first day of spring, the deadline of that promise. The day I intended to die. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t lived a miserable life; I’ve just lived my life miserably. I can try and explain it, my life, but I barely have the words. It’s just what was given to me, and I guess it’s always been that way. While the other kids picked their rose tinted sunglasses, a pair of black shades were dropped into my lap. While they got to run to hug their parents, I had to walk to pay respects to mine. While everyone else’s homes were filled with light, I couldn’t afford power, and so I sat in darkness. That’s how my life was lived. And every last night of December, my heart splits, once again, from the weight of its cracks, and every January 1st, my steps, once again, are heavier than the year before. 

It’s sad, isn’t it? I’m annually reminded that I live a life that lacks love, a life that lacks light, a sun and moon. You would assume that after all this time spent in the dark, my vision would’ve eventually adapted, but no, that’s not the case. I just walk with a little more intuition, but I often run into things, and fall from others. To this day, I’m still always caught off guard. I yell, I scream, I curse, I bleed. I go to sleep caked in blood, and I wake up stained. And after experiencing this for as long as I have, you grow tired. That’s what I became. Tired. Lonely. So, I promised myself that I would finally end my life on the first day of Spring. So I can at least put a flower in my hair, and die on a day that everyone loves. Today is that day. 

But, today I woke up desperate for life. And it started with yesterday. 

Yesterday morning, I woke up shiny, good as new. I felt nice, like I was worth something. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone I might’ve loved once, someone I must’ve forgotten I had loved, and it felt nice, like I had something of worth. The mirror was shiny, and the image was clear. If only you had seen it. 

I left the house that afternoon, and was amazed. Was that the world? The view was beautiful. The sky was empty, and my grass was brown. Not a soul in sight, as I’m fated to loneliness, and yet I saw life. Flashing before my eyes was life. But it was life I’ve never seen, never experienced, never lived. You won’t believe what I saw- joy! I saw my joyful face! Can you believe it? I saw a smile so wide, it looked painful, but it was the kind of pain that is good. I can have such a feeling? Can such a pain be felt by me? The surprise did not stop there. The vision ended with snow; A picture of me laughing with others; The clock striking at midnight, grabbing the attention of a heart that is whole. A heart in my chest. Flashing before my eyes was a life like that. I figured, since it wasn’t the past or present, it must have been the future. 

I never faithfully believed in God. I just acknowledged that there was something. That’s all I could do, because admitting there’s someone up there with a heart maybe, a mind, and plans would mean admitting that this is the plan set up for me. That would crush me more than anything else. I’d rather live a life that’s deserved, than a life that’s given. I’d rather believe I somehow deserve my unfortunate existence. The idea of this cruelty just being given to me hurts too much. But that vision must have been mercy. Mercy that I nor any other human could have granted, but mercy that begged for my life. 

I cried for hours, nonstop. I cried till my head hurt. I sobbed till my jaws hurt. I screamed till my throat dried. My nose ran until it bled. I was a different kind of tired. The kind of tired that is relieved with temporary sleep. Sleep you wake up from, refreshed. I’d never had that kind of sleep until last night. It was peaceful. I didn’t dream. I was still, and not even from paralysis. I didn’t know it- did you? I didn’t know that you didn’t have to die to rest in peace. I didn’t know. 

I didn’t know. 

I know now, though. But, like I said, I made a promise. You and I both know I very rarely break my promises.

You couldn’t hear it, but I just sighed. My window’s open and there’s light coming through. Sunlight. It’s amazing, completely deserving of the hype. I didn’t know that some light could be acquired for free.

I didn’t know. 

There’s this tree across the street with beautiful pink and white flowers blooming from its branches. How nice. How pretty. Isn’t life just so pretty? You knew that, but I didn’t. I didn’t know.

I’m crying now. I’m crying because I couldn’t have known. Why couldn’t I have known!? Why was I on the outside? Huh? Why didn’t anybody tell me? It’s Spring, damn it! This is my first time seeing a spring that is beautiful, but it is just one of many for others. Why am I the last to know that every year there was a beautiful spring? 

I know I won’t get a response. That’s why I’m talking to no one. I have a future I’d love to see, clenched in my right hand, and a promise I swore to fulfill, clenched in my left. No one else can make this decision for me. 

Do you think my parents will hug me, too? Like the other kids? I wonder if they miss their son who misses his parents. I heard something about forgetting your physical life in the afterlife. I hope that’s not true. I hope the last people who loved me still love me. I hope my mother’s hand reaches out to me. So I can grab it with my free, right hand. 

I guess, I'll have to save that future for my next life, if that's a thing. And I hope I'm reborn on a day that everyone loves.

Much More Love, 

The Boy With A Flower in His Hair