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Christmas Fiction Funny

Ae was walking around his apartment with his favorite mugs in hand, smiling like he was about to complete his life’s work. His house outside of the city was perfectly equipped for winter. It was a place filled with mugs, blankets, baking ingredients and tools. Brimming with pantry stuff, herbs and spices, mostly cinnamon. Ae liked cinnamon. It smelled like Christmas to him.

Outside it was snowing, a rare sight in December in this part of Russia. A delightful sight, if you are sitting in a comfyarmchair with your feet up, enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and a mug cake of some sorts. That what the mugs were for. One for drink, one for cake.

Guests were not due until tomorrow evening and he could enjoy New Year’s eve like he always wanted to - alone, unbothered. New year was Russia’s beloved holiday, friends and families sat around a dinner table, watching soviet movies that they’ve seen a hundred times before, dranking champagne and eating tangerines for some reason.

But that is going to be tomorrow. Today was his day. The fireplace was already lit, and he got the last of the ingredients out of the fridge. He was in such a good mood, that he didn’t even put music on, he just whistled, sometimes he broke out into a song.


Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!

By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow…

By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!

Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!


But Ae didn’t want anybody coming to his winter wonderland this evening, he still liked to sing this song once in a while, it filled him with the spirit of winter holidays.

Nothing is going to bring my mood down, he thought, whistling, unless someone comes through this door before the 31st of December.

***

He measured a full mug of oat milk and poured it into a pot over medium low heat, then broke down a bar of chocolate and put in in the pot as well, along with a teaspoon of ground cinnamon and two teaspoons of cocoa powder and a bit of instant coffee to amplify the flavor of the chocolate. The room smelled incredible.

While the chocolate was melting he combined the dry ingredients for the mug cake starting with a teaspoon of cinnamon, then adding 3 tablespoons of flour, a pinch of salt, ginger powder and baking soda, topped with four heapead teaspoons of sugar. “Your teaspoons have to be heaped if you are adding something tasty to your dish.” His grandma always said. He mixed that up, topped with some sunflower oil and oatmilk, then added the main ingredient - blueberry jam. Hell yeah, he thought, now doing a wolf whistle.

He put the cake in the microwave and started stirring the hot chocolate. He was very careful with this meal, everything had to be perfect. He added precisely one heaped teaspoon and one normal teaspoon of sugar two the bubbling mixture, then, after a long period of thinking he decided that a pinch of salt would suffice for now, he can always add some later, to taste.

The dishes were very simple, but delicious. It was a pleasure to cook them, to combine the ingredients, stir and smell everything. It was almost as good as eating them.

He had about a minute and a half before the mug cake was ready and the chocolate was safely melting away, only requiring a constant gentle stir. Ae rested his elbow on the stove top and started stirring, while looking around the room.

It was beautiful. He created the best New Year environment his friends could ask for. The room was smiling at him with it’s hanging ornaments and LED lights. He put stockings over the fireplace with the names of all his friends written on them, something that Russians never did. He put up a great real Christmas tree and decorated it with cinnamon sticks, bright glass ornaments, stuffed toys and a great gold star was nestled on the top of the tree.

He deserved to be alone, to reward himself for all the hard work he’s done this year.

Tomorrow his girlfriend would come before everybody else, Ae will open the door and see her smiling and holding a travel cage with their cat - Pounce. “Everything within a mile radius smells of cinnamon” she would say “I didn’t even need a navigator to find the house”. And then his friends would come and all of them would sit around, talk and laugh. Max will bring fireworks and they will sing songs while Vanya plays his guitar.

Ae smiled and the prospect of a cheerful tomorrow brought him hope. But today is today and right now his cake was ready.

***

Everything was planned perfectly. While his messy mug cake was cooling down he would taste the chocolate for seasoning, stir for the last time and transfer it into a second mug, ready to drink.

He heard a car park outside and he felt sorry for the person who had to travel through this snow storm. Poor thing, he thought, sniffing his drink, we are very sorry for this mysterious driver, aren’t we, Mister Mug?

Ae was starting to feel so merry and so happy that he could hardly contain himself. He felt his feet tingle and he wanted to stretch like a cat that just woke up. He was anxious to start relaxing, but he was going to savor this moment of anticipation.

He started walking towards his armchair. But he was not walking like a normal person would, he walked like a robber would, on his tippy toes. He couldn’t stop smiling and he looked very dumb, but pleased with himself. At one point he even started giggling as if he’d done something naughty. His instincts told him that it was oh so shameful to feel this happy, but he did anyway. His insides protested against being so relaxed, his legs already started feeling numb, and his head was spinning.

***

He was 5 steps away from the chair, bolts of electricity were shooting all inside him, his brain firing all kinds of impulses, he felt as if he could pass out from excitement. He felt frozen, looking at the chair with wide eyes.

He took the first step and the room disappeared, only the chair and fireplace were left, snow and the forest was all around him.

Music started paying after he took the second step. The music was the combination of all his favorite songs playing at the same time, but it sounded pleasant, not cacophonous.

The third step slowed the snow storm down to a usual snowfall, but the snow itself was unusual, big cartoonish flakes fell down. They felt as gentle as a mother's touch him, and were not cold at all.

The fourth step transformed the armchair into a Throne. A Throne of Joy. It was a merry sight, just looking at it brought happiness. It was decorated with ornaments from all over the world. Gingerbread cookies were hanging from it’s handles along with bright red caramel apples and cinnamon sticks. It was a huge seat and it turned towards Ae. I am the King of joy and smiles, the bringer of laughter, and my mugs are my Royal Regalia. Bow down before me and bask in my presence and feel the merry go through you.

He took the last step and felt himself levitating, he closed his eyes and let this invisible force move him, bringing him ever closer to Heaven….

And then there was a loud, awful noise. The loudest and the most awful noise. The noisiest noise of all the noises. As loud as ten airplanes taking off. He fell to the floor, standing like a peasant as his throne transformed into a petty old armchair. The snow started falling faster, as fast as it ever did. Is the world ending? Ae thought, bewildered. Then the pleasant music became unintelligible over the noise and the walls came back.

The noise was the doorbell. Ae was shocked, but he dragged his feet towards the door, mugs still in hand. Opening the door was a challenge, but somehow he managed.

His girlfriend stood outside, she was covered with snow. In her right hand was a cage for a cat.

“We have a problem” She said “Will you let me in?”

Ae moved to the side, still not coming to terms with reality.

“But I’m the king of joy” He said, turning towards Christina.

“Huh? Help me with the cat, and close the door, honestly. Put the mugs down, why do you have two of them?”

“They are my regalia… I am the king of joy, people should bow to me.”

“Are you high or drunk? I need you to get a hold of yourself, we need to go to the city, our office is on fire

“Office…" Reality finally hit Ae in the head. A thousand of curse words and a million screams went through his mind and everything went black. Then he found himself driving through the snowstorm. It's good that he had a cinnamon stick hanging in the car, it was enough to keep him sane.

July 28, 2021 09:22

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