Letters I Can't Send

Content warnings: Suicide, substance use

Dear Leo, 

You know I don’t write letters. I’ve always been more into physics than philosophy. Maybe that’s just an excuse. It’s hard to talk about how I feel. I mean, that’s how we were brought up, to keep everything inside. Look at me. You’re–you’re not even here and I’m having trouble writing the words down. What I mean to say is, I am so, so sorry. And thank you. For everything. 

-J

Dear Leo, 

I’m gonna try again. That last letter was bad. Micah loves details. Tina, did, too, you know. I mean does. I promise I’ve moved on. It’s hard, bro. 

I saw your mom at the grocery store yesterday. She was buying oranges in red netting. I almost got the courage to go up to her, but I ducked into the cereal aisle instead. So I’m just there staring at the Cheerios and thinking about what a coward I am. But also how I avoided catastrophe. And also how our parents never bought us cereal. It was always congee for breakfast. Do you remember how badly we wanted Lucky Charms? How the other kids couldn’t believe we never had them? The sugar rush after we finally convinced Sarah to share hers? 

Or how about this: when we stuck orange slices in our mouths to make orange smiles? Probably every kid has done that at least once. 

It’s hard to be grateful without also feeling guilty. But thank you for making my life sweeter. (Don’t judge, man, I know it’s corny!)

-J

Dear Leo, 

Tina and I are on good terms now. I apologized to her months ago, after we first broke up. I mean, what kind of jerk slaps their girlfriend? She had every right to. She has such a big heart. She forgave me soon after, but she didn’t know the truth about you. Did you know she was actually the first person I told about you? I told her that my childhood friend died. That we used to race around the neighborhood on scooters. That you played the violin. It’s all true, technically speaking. It was a big step at the time. But I’ve been talking to Lily and Micah, they helped me set up a dinner with her. Lily came with. Emotional support or whatever. That’s one thing about girls, they usually have each other’s backs. But I told her the truth. I wonder if she ever wondered about it. Probably. Anyway, I hope you don’t mind. I’d like to think you’re proud. 

-J

Dear Leo, 

I’m trying this whole gratitude thing, but it’s so hard to be grateful for your mom. Like what I can be thankful for besides the fact that she birthed you? For years, I thought she was the cause of all your suffering. She pushed you so hard. She made you do things you didn’t want to do. She made home an insufferable place, and then didn’t let you leave. She didn’t care about what you wanted, she only cared what she wanted for you. 

Now that it’s been a year and a half, I can see that she did love you, and she was trying her best to give you what she never had. Security. Success. But why did she never listen? I guess what I’m saying is I can understand her now, but I can’t forgive her. Much less thank her. That will come in time, I guess. Maybe. 

I’m still planning on apologizing for not going to your funeral. I haven’t done it yet, but I will. And that I’m sorry for not being a better friend. She was furious at me after it happened. She yelled at me over the phone. She blamed me–I was a “bad influence.” According to her, it was all my fault. Well, according to me, it was all hers. I’m sorry, dude, she still makes me mad. That’s why I haven’t talked to her yet. I know now it wasn’t all her fault, or all mine either, or all yours. I’m doing the best I can. I just wish you were here. 

But yeah, I’ll start with this. Mrs. Guo, thank you for giving birth to Leo. Thank you for living in the same neighborhood as me. Thank you for letting us play together. Thank you for your soup dumplings. 

-J

Dear Leo,

Did you ever have the chance to fall in love? Maybe that’s a stupid question. Because if you had, I would know, right? I used to think so, anyway. But now I see that there’s all kinds of things we don’t know about other people. Even people who are really close to us. 

I was happy with Tina, but I wasn’t happy on the inside. I mean, I wasn’t happy with myself. That’s not her fault, of course. But now I’m with Micah and it’s nothing like I’ve experienced before. I just feel more comfortable, and more confident. Part of that comes with time, I suppose. 

No, but here’s the thing: for so long, there were so many parts of myself that I was hiding, or that I didn’t want to deal with. I didn’t even realize all the things I was holding inside until I started letting go. Lily described them as a giant dragon all twisted up inside of me. She wants to be an author, but she’d be a good therapist. 

Being with Micah has made me realize there are so many possibilities in life that I haven’t even considered… I’m sorry I’m not making sense. I guess what I want to say is: thank you for always being that person I could be myself around. And for being that person I could try new things with. I hope wherever you are, you’re happy. 

-J

Dear Leo, 

I’m going to try again. With details. I was wondering, were you ever in love with me? You were my first kiss. I’m pretty sure I was yours, too. Saturday after Chinese school. Your hair was ruffled, and I took off your boxy black glasses. You were wearing the red sweatshirt you always had on. 

It was just one kiss. That was it. Yet it confirmed for me something I knew I had to hide. I guess it was the same for you. But we were safe with each other. Was I ever in love with you? I don’t think so. But I did love you. As a friend. Maybe as something a little more. I don’t know. It was all so confusing at the time. 

It’s different being out. All my friends have been supportive and chill about it. It was a lot harder with my parents. But Micah’s been out for awhile now, and his parents were supportive, which definitely surprised me because they’re Korean and religious. Anyway, it’s good for him. And then he was able to support me. We’re all paying it forward. But yeah, it’s different. Good different. It’s not like I’m shouting from the rooftops that I’m bi, but I don’t have to hide it anymore. I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish you got that chance. We both know your mom would have killed you. Or maybe she wouldn’t have. Or maybe she already did. Idk man, I’m still struggling with forgiving her, ok?

Anyway, thank you for being my first. 

-J

Dear Leo, 

I’m so sorry. Will there ever be a point in my life when I’m not sorry? I was walking back to my dorm after taking my physics exam and was just thinking about how meaningless it was compared to things like life and death. Was I really too caught up in my own things to not notice how you were doing? Or once you got to Cornell, to call you up or visit you. 

At first it was just weed. You tried cigarettes but you hated them. They made weed legal so I was like, “Ok, at least it will probably be safer now, once it’s all regulated and everything.” But then after you broke your ankle, you got hooked on painkillers and just never stopped. Man, I tried to talk you out of it. I tried to get you help. You didn’t want it. Stigma, maybe. We’re not supposed to ask for help. When your mom called me after what had happened, she cursed me out for not stopping you. At least I tried to make things better. Was it the doctor’s fault? They prescribed too much. But you were looking for something like that anyway. 

Leo, I knew you weren’t happy. But I didn’t know your mind had turned into such a dark place. Leo, was it always like that? I should have done more. I know I should have been at your funeral, but what really matters is that I was there when you were still alive. And I could have done better. Lily says “no shoulding on yourself.” But I can’t help it. I’m a shouldy person. I don’t know who to be thanking now. 

-J

Dear Leo, 

It’s been awhile since my last note. Not that you’re reading these, or at least that I know of. Micah and I went to the beach after we finished exams. I really needed a break. I’m back now, but I can still smell the salty breeze and feel my arm around Micah when I close my eyes. By the way, do you like this pen? It’s a present from Nainai. 

When we were staring at the sea, I was thinking about reincarnation. The ocean always makes me get philosophical, bro. I was wondering if it existed and in what form, and also if we would see each other again in the next life and how. I asked Micah what he thought about it. He was quiet for a long time (he does that when he’s thinking, he doesn’t rush to fill the silence) and then said, what if reincarnation is the purification process of purgatory. Because it’s never really explained how souls get purified, but the concepts of karma and reincarnation lay it out pretty clearly. And then I was like, “I never thought about it that way before.” And then he was like, it’s just a thought. Recently I’ve been thinking about how to reconcile different belief systems. And then I nudged him and asked, “Have you figured it out yet?” And he said no. 

Micah has been thinking about Catholic missionary work in Korea. That’s how his parents joined the Church, way back when. Most Koreans these days don’t subscribe to any formal religion. Those that are religious but not Christian are mostly Buddhist. His question has been, if my parents hadn’t met those Catholic missionaries, would they (and he) still think Catholicism was true? So far, he thinks not, and he’s not satisfied with this contingency as a basis for faith. I don’t really know what to say, except it’s a good point. Most Chinese people are also not members of organized religion, including myself. Perhaps this proves his point. 

Leo, you probably have more insight into this question now than either of us. I wish I could hear what you have to say. Anyway, thank you for listening.

-J

Dear Leo, 

I finally worked up the courage to talk to your mom. And it was nothing like I expected. She started crying! Can you believe it? Your mother? 

Leo, I didn’t realize she was so lonely. And that she felt so bad. I’m sure you know that your parents divorced after, and your mom’s been living alone. 

I went to your house with a bunch of grocery store flowers. They looked a little floppy, but I wasn’t about to spend more. Inflation has been making everything so expensive nowadays. But yeah, I went up to your front door and rang the bell. I don’t know if I’ve ever done this before. We always went in through the side or the garage. 

When your mom came to the door, she was wrapped up in a robe even though it was the afternoon. I started talking right there on the little front porch because I was afraid she would close the door. All my words tumbled out in spitfire Mandarin, tripping over themselves in the rush. But then she did something that surprised me: she leaned forward and hugged me! When she let go, I could see the tears in her eyes. She ushered me in, and after I took off my shoes, I gave her the flowers and she put them in a vase. 

After that we talked for what felt like a long time. Maybe she had never talked about this stuff before, and maybe didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. That was when she started crying for real. I definitely felt out of my comfort zone, but I’m glad I talked to her. Turns out we both had a lot against each other, but really it was what we felt about ourselves, projected outward. 

Forgiveness seems like too strong a word. But I no longer have the animosity I once felt towards her. I’m going to talk to my parents about checking in on her. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to do it that often, with college and everything. She could really use the support of the community, but she just seems isolated. Is she too proud? Are people prejudiced? I don’t know. But I hope she gets the help she needs. God knows I couldn’t have done it without the support of my friends and loved ones. 

I want to thank you, but I don’t even know what for. So I’ll just say thank you, no strings attached. 

-J

Dear Leo, 

What will happen now? They say time heals all wounds. But I hope I don’t forget you. I don’t think I will forget you. It’s just, the afterlife seems like a long time to wait to see you again. Not that I want to die anytime soon or anything. It’s just, what do I do now? Just keep going, I guess. 

The other day Micah asked me what I thought about getting married. I told him it’s too soon to think about that. But someday, yes. Maybe have a house with a swimming pool, two kids, and a cat. I don’t know. It’s so far away that it feels like a dream. We still have to graduate college, get jobs, and all that. Six months ago I would have thought about the same dream with Tina. But this feels different. And I never asked Tina, and she never asked me. 

I think it’s best to take it one day at a time. I’m starting my summer internship tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes. 

And Leo–thank you for everything. Miss you forever. 

-James