Take Your Mask Off

How can a child be so afraid that everyone around them was given a guide to life that they seemed to miss out on. Well that’s how it feels. As a child, everyone told me the way I acted was incorrect. I feared that at any moment, someone would catch me for being different from other people. I can’t read between the lines like others can. I sometimes forget what to do in social situations. I say the wrong thing. 

As a child, I feared being disliked. I feared doing or saying the wrong thing. I masked the parts of myself that others might not like. When I forgot what the world could be like at times, I was a bright child with a light inside that could make even adults feel like they are capable of anything. I liked to make my parents, siblings, and friends laugh. I liked to be brave and courageous. When you’re a child you think you can do anything. Most kids don’t feel self conscious or scared to mess up. I did though.

So many times as a child I was told that something was wrong with me. My teachers and coaches in sports told me I had a bad attitude when I didn’t know how to respond when they were giving me feedback or directions. I had a hard time making friends. My fear of being undesirable as a human being led me to harmful situations.

As a kid I found myself going through obstacles and jumping through hoops thinking it might make people like me more. I remember one time a girl told me she liked my shoes and said we should trade shoes. In the back of my mind I thought to myself “my parents have minimum wage jobs and do everything to give me the things I want even if we can’t afford it”. My shoes were these brown sandals with flower detailing and a thick heel. I looked at my classmate and she was wearing white thin chanclas that looked like they were from the Old Navy. I switched shoes anyway. When my mom picked me up from school she began to question me about where my new shoes were. I didn’t know how to tell her that I traded shoes because someone told me to and I wanted them to like me. It became this whole thing where she finally got the truth out of me and made me march to school and ask for my shoes back. I felt so humiliated. I didn’t understand why I traded shoes just because someone told me to even though I shouldn’t have. I didn’t want my classmate to hate me. I was only 8 years old.

This fear has followed me into adulthood. It started with me thinking that maybe I was just defective. Maybe I was just a little awkward and didn’t develop proper social skills. I either talk too little or talk too much. I always attributed it to so many different things. With my family, I could say maybe it’s because I didn’t speak fluent Spanish and just got shy. At school, it was, maybe I just talked too much and got in trouble. On sport’s teams I thought to myself maybe I really do have an attitude problem. In general, I thought maybe it was just because of my queer identity among my family and peers and I have trouble ever talking to them because they wouldn’t get it. Or maybe I just have trouble internalizing everything I feel and opening up.

Here is something I didn’t realize until I was a full adult. My brain works differently. I was so scared that maybe everyone else just knew something I didn’t and maybe I was an unlikeable person. The truth is they do know something I don’t. It’s almost the opposite of what you think someone would want to hear. Most people do know the right way to act or can automatically navigate social situations. It was never going to be something I magically learn one day. I simply just don’t have that in me. The second thing I learned is I’m not an unlikeable person. 

I have love and I have light within me. I can be a good friend, good daughter, good sister, and good person. My fear followed me into adulthood, but it turns out what I was feeling this whole time was true. I don’t know how to act or what to say most times. To be honest, that’s okay. Sometimes people point it out to me. Sometimes people find me odd. Most of the time though, people like being around me. They tell me I’m kind and positive. They tell me I know how to be a really good friend. They tell me I’m capable of so much and do lots of good. 

I got diagnosed with Autism at the age of 22. Latina women are some of the most under diagnosed groups of people there are. People have told me I don’t look autistic or act autistic. People have told me I have an attitude and am just assertive due to stereotypes. At the same time, people have told me I’m one of the most dedicated people they have ever met. They have told me that I do everything for the people I love and don’t stop until justice is served. I am still so terrified of being rejected. I am scared that people won’t like me or get me.

 I am more scared though that I will never let myself be who I am. I am more scared that I will live life wearing a mask. I wish I could go back and tell myself as a child that I am beautiful inside and out and capable of more than I know. I would go back and tell her that it’s okay to be scared. I would tell her that she brings so much creativity and passion into everyone’s life. I would tell her to by herself.