You See Sir

“You See Sir”

“You see sir, the truth is, I’m a leprechaun.”

As Patrick looked at the small man, thin and short, sort of withered like an old leather belt, he could almost believe what he had just been told. The problem with that interpretation was that Patrick had just come out of the local Irish pub, and the small man was standing in the alleyway just beside it. He pretty much knew what was going to come next – an appeal for money, whatever he could spare, or words similar to that.

“I was wondering, sir, if you had any loose change that you could spare. I can bring good luck to you, but I can’t produce coins out of nothing. I wish that I could, don’t you know.”

It had been a boring night for Patrick, as he knew no one in the bar, he had only been in two for a few weeks, and he wasn’t a fan of the grand old Irish game of hurling that was on two big screen televisions. He was English, you see, despite his Irish first name. His mother had been a big fan of Patrick Swayze. The only entertainment he got in the pub was watching a couple arguing over some matter unknown to him. He could only hear the swear words, and those mostly from the man. That was why he was leaving before last call, so he could still walk out the door, and not tumble out as he had one at least once that he could remember at the particular pub. So he decided this wee man owed him something of a conversation, for the few coins he was going to toss his way.

“So what kind of magic is it that you would be after bringing my way.” He hadn’t intended to speak in an Irish fashion, it just came out that way, so it did.

“As I couldn’t help but notice that you were coming out of the bar alone, I thought that I might throw a little romance your way.”

“Sorry, you’re not my type, too short” said Patrick in rapid reply.

There was a brief pause, before the self-declared leprechaun uttered a somewhat forced laugh.

“So it is a comedian that you are sir. Very good. The ladies like that, so they do.”

“So can you produce a likely woman for me out of thin air then?”

“Not out of thin air, but I can give you a love charm that will help you in your future romantic endeavours.”

“That sounds pretty good to me.’

Patrick placed a few pound coins into the man’s hands, and was just about to part company with him and leave for home, when he heard a commotion. It was the couple that he had heard arguing in the pub. The man, who was rather big and muscular in stature, pushed the woman so hard that she crashed up against the pub wall and fell down onto the sidewalk. Then he staggered his way towards Patrick and the man who claimed to be a leprechaun. 

The big fellow stopped right in front of the little man, and said in a loud, aggressive voice, “So look here. We have a leprechaun. Now tell me, if I pick you up by your two feet and give you a wee shaketty-shake, will gold coins fall out of your pocket?”

“No, they won’t sir. I haven’t got a gold coin to my name at this time.”

“I don’t believe you little man. I guess I will have to pick you up and give you a shake to see whether you are lying to me.”

The loud man moved towards the self-declared leprechaun. But just before he could grab the smaller man with his rather large hands, Patrick moved quickly, and body-checked the big aggressor out of the way. Patrick was English, but he was a fan of hockey, and watched it on those few occasions when it was on the television.

After some stumbling and cursing the big man got up and yelled “How dare you spoil my fun, you interfering bastard. Let’s see if you have any coins in your pocket.”

He lunged towards Patrick, his large hands reaching forward. It looked to the two onlookers, the ‘leprechaun’ and the woman who had managed to get herself into a standing position, that Patrick was going to take a beating. He might even be turned upside down by the much bigger man. 

What they did not know was that before he had moved to Ireland to further his career in computer programming, Patrick had lived for a few years in Glasgow, Scotland. Although Glasgow wasn’t quite the tough town that urban legend made it out to be, he had witnessed a few street fights. So his next move was an obvious one to him, but not to his intended target. Patrick gave the man a ‘Glasgow kiss’, what Mike Myers in So I married an axe murderer referred to as the important first move in ‘Scottish martial arts’. In other words, he head butted the big man straight in the nose. It burst out in a rose blossom of blood. Feeling disgraced and dishonoured, as well as unable to continue the fight, he turned away and stumbled down the sidewalk, but not before he yelled ‘bloody Weeggie” to Patrick, a short form for Glaswegian.

The self-identified leprechaun and the young woman both smiled in thanks to Patrick for getting rid of the threat to their safety and wellbeing. The ‘leprechaun’ was just about to hand his benefactor a small charm, when the woman came up to Patrick, faced him close up and held both his hands tightly in hers. They then both walked away together, closely side by side, each wondering what they should say to encourage the relationship that both wanted to develop.

The leprechaun looked delighted at the romantic scene taking place right before him, and put his love charm back into his pocket, saying out loud to himself, “I guess he didn’t need my charm after all.”

He then walked deep into the alley, waved his arms in the shape of a circle, and then disappeared into a portal, which took him back to