Marley and Me

"Come on, Honey" Mom says. She helps me sits down on the cool plastic chair. "It'll just be a few minute wait. And then we'll meet Maria. She's here to help you. Remember that."

I nod and take my seat. Grabbing one of the magazines from the coffee table. It's about trusting yourself. I flip through it, not really reading just looking for a distraction. I don't want my mind to wander off to that night. That nightmare.

Shuddering, I continue to flip through the magazine. It's no use. My mind will wander back to that night no matter what I do. But instead of thinking about it and letting go of my fears, I look around the waiting room.

It's small. There's a desk near the door where you make appointments. There's also two sofas and a couple of plastic chairs pushed up against the far wall. There's another door where the lady will come out of to call us in. I suspect that she'll only want me to come in and have my mom wait outside.

I gaze out the window, trying to make sense of it all. Why I hadn't I come to my senses before? Why didn't I see the signs? They were there and quite clear all along.

But I know the answer. I had seen the signs. I had just simply ignored them. I tried to be someone I was not. And look where that got me. Nowhere good.

Maybe if I had listened, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if I had tried to be myself this wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't let someone who I was not control me. This wouldn't have happened.

There's nothing I could do about it now. What has been has been done. I can't change the past, no matter how much I regret what I did.

But I can learn from it. I can learn from all the mistakes I made. All the choices I regret. Every moment I can't look back on, without breaking down.

So I will. I'll think about that night. And maybe it will have a good influence on me. Maybe I'll learn from it. No matter how scary it will be to relive it.

Now, let's go back to the night. The night I most regret.

It wasn’t my fault. It was Marley's. Marley was drunk. Not me. It was Marley's party. Not mine. But she didn't get hurt. I did.

I sigh now, thinking about the way the knife had felt. The cold metal plunging deep into my muscle. The way the air left my lungs as blood spurted out of the wound. How I had reached for the cold marble counter so I wouldn't fall. So I wouldn't give in to the pain. So I wouldn't let go.

My hand moves under my shirt, tracing the stitches, up and down. I press there lightly. It hurts. It still hurts. But it reminds me that at times pain can be a good thing. Right now it reminds me of how I had trusted her. I had trusted Marley. She was my sister, after all. My sister that had tried to kill me. The betrayal hurt more then the scar did. The pain of betrayal.

It was weeks ago. A stupid party she had thrown at her boyfriends house. To celebrate their third month anniversary. Stupid. I came, of course I did. I loved her too much to skip it. She didn't love me at all.

I regretted coming, two minutes into the party. She shouldn't have had alcohol out. We're only 17. We can't drink. She shouldn't have been dancing the way she was. Grinding her body against his. We're just kids.

But she didn't listened. She never listened to anyone. But him. Her boyfriend. He was disgusting. Always dragging her into trouble. He was mean. Hitting her when she didn't listen. He wasn't human. No human could have done the things he did to her. He was a monster. And he made sure everyone knew that.

I had taken him to the other room to confront him. Not kiss him. I had told him I knew about the way he hit her. Not to ask him to cheat on her. His lip was swollen because I had punched him. Not made out with him. But she didn't believe me. She believed the lies he whispered in her ear. His eyes menacing as he smirked at me. Taunting me.

I had cried, asked her if she believed me. She didn't. That was it. My breaking point. I left. But she came right behind me. Saying I had to pay. I had cried out when I felt the knife break my skin. It was too much. A sister who hated me enough to give me so much pain. And smile as she tortured me.

I had always thought about how Marley got away with everything. Even though she was basically me. Except I was in control. But Marley blinded me. She told me what to believe. What to think.

That day Marley had almost killed me, so she could take control. So she could be in power. So she could be in charge of me. But I fought back. Because I was better than her. I knew I was. Because there was some good in life, and I saw it. Marley didn't.

"Marley. Marley Mendez." the woman calls. I look up at the sound of my name and climb out of the plastic chair. Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive Marley for what she did. Maybe not. But for right now, I'm not her. I'm me.

"Hi! I'm Stacey, and I'll be your therapist. Now, I understand you had some suicidal thoughts and an incident. Where just here to talk about it, Marley." she says, shaking my hand.

"Wait, please call me Mar...I'm not Marley anymore." I say, smiling up at the new therapist. Knowing that from reliving my past, I might have a better future.