15 comments

Suspense Teens & Young Adult Fantasy

“Isn’t that beautiful? Isn’t this place beautiful?” Daneille says in awe. 


“You could say that, but it’s just a sunrise…” I say trying to sound bored, but that sunrise was extraordinarily beautiful, even through the hotel’s window. 


“I have a question...Who am I? Who are we?” I ask? 


“You should know who you are Ivory...Like you know I'm Daneille,” Daneille says quirky and curious why I asked. 


“Yeah but...that’s our names not who we are…” I say again. Why doesn’t she get my question?


“Oh Ivory, chill out we don’t need to know who we are to live life. It’s no big deal,” Daneille says, a little bit more serious now.


I move away from her and rush outside into the beautiful fresh air. It’s Damp, but a warm type of damp, like it was perfect temperature. It’s strange because yesterday was the same damp temperature and the same consistent breeze. I take a deep breath letting all the fresh air in and the stale air out. The palm trees rush to one side of the tree when the breeze hits at the right angle. Life for me wasn’t always perfect, like Daneille.. I had a family before I moved here… Let me start from the beginning. I am Ivory, I lived in Chicago with my mom, brother and my dad for 10 years before I was stolen from them…I was stolen from a company called...I don’t remember. Danielle doesn't remember her family at all and that’s sad, but she says that she’s completely fine with it. When I turn 20 I’ll be free! This place is divided in age sections, I’m in the section of all 14 year olds.


Daneille joins me outside in the warm air of our prison. She smiles, I wish I could smile. I can’t though, this is a Prison that all the governments can’t find. If the government found us we’d be free. Unfortunately none of the girls and boys have any source of technology. I sit on the doorstep and wave at Daneille to join me.


“Don’t you just love it here? Perfect tropical life, no worries, LOTS of friends. What else could you ask for?” Daneille says as she sits down next to me. I get why she feels this way because she doesn’t remember how much fun having a family is.


“It’s okay here, but I miss my mom brushing my blonde curls, my dad reading bedtime stories to me and my big brother for teaching me to be confident. I would’ve ran away if it wasn’t for him,” I say truthfully, but the look Daneille gave wasn’t supportive, caring or empathetic. The look she gave me was a solid glare.


“Come on Ivory, you need to put your past behind and look toward the future,” she said, like I could do that in a blink of an eye. This is messed, Daneille wants me to willingly forget my life before this happened? That’s impossible for me. My mom always used to take a look in my ocean blue eyes and sigh. How can I leave all these wonderful memories with them? I remember vividly the day I was token.. My mom's face filled with panic, my dad’s with anger and my brother was in his closet hiding from them.I remember pizza nights and family parties. I can’t let go of all these precious memories.


“Daneille? Do you even remember your family?” I ask a little testy.


“Ivory, I’ve told you many times I don’t remember my family!” Daneille snaps. Hearing Daneille snap like that makes me feel a little ashamed that I asked.


“Why are you so peevish? I just asked you because you don’t know what it’s like to be taken from your family,” I say snapping back at her. I feel bad, like I’m gonna be sick. Maybe I’m seasick. I think the damp air is getting to me.


I leave Daneille behind, as I get back in the hotel. I get to my room, number 45 on the 3 floor of the 5 hotel in my age group. Danielle’s room is 34 on the 2nd floor of the 3rd hotel in our group.


I open my room door and WOOSH The air conditioning hits me and shortly after a whiff of my ocean scent perfume. I walk toward the turquoise wall.. I wonder what it would be like to escape this place and go home again? How would I even accomplish that? This place is a paradise to everyone, everyone but me.


I got to escape! I cannot live in this prison for a minute longer. This place is suffocating me, so as soon as I get out I can breathe again. How could I escape though? It isn’t like I can slip in and out whenever I want. I NEED a team! I made a poster saying if they wanna be free join my room at 3am Tomorrow pasted all around the hotel! I hope people are like me and want to leave this confined space. Well? What do I do the rest of the day? Well I guess my age group’s space is by the beach? Maybe I’ll go.


I put on my Ivy green swimsuit, grab my white/green towel then head out. I get to the beach and it’s swimming with people (as always). I make my way around the other 14 year olds. I get close to the water, the sand is burning my feet then walk straight in the water till I’m on my tippy toes. Ivory? Why would my mom name me Ivory? I let that thought slide as I lay back in the cool water letting my hair soak into the water as the water hugs me like a blanket, a cool blanket. I backstroke to shore. 


I wipe the sleep from my eyes and walk through the crowd. I left the beach and let my body take control so I could leave my brain at ease. 


I SNAP back to reality when the air conditioning Wooshed into my face. Ice cream in hand, hair soaking, feet aching and brain fuzzy. How long was I mindlessly walking through? Oh my it’s 2pm! I was like THAT for hours! I’m glad I didn’t get seasick from the air. 


I Check the walls for my posters. Some people took it, so I pasted more of them on the walls of the 5 story hotel. I guess I’ll see how Daneille is doing, but she might try to stop me...I can’t.


I jump onto my cozy bed, as it pulls me in. all my muscles relax from the tenison that was nagging me just minutes ago, I strain to keep my eyelids open, but eventually my eyes give out and flutter close. 


“I’m home!” I scream with joy. I made it, Finally I’m home. Back to my mom's soft hands gently touching my scalp and my hair, back to my dad reading me to sleep and back to my brother and his confident eyes and his muscular shoulders down to his legs. I walk into my house, like I never left it. I see mom standing on my right and my dad standing on my left. They both look at me with love and pain in their eyes. They walk quickly, They’re gonna give me a big bear hug! Mom reaches me but doesn’t stop walking. She walks right through me and hugs dad. Am I invisible? I can’t be, No, No, No!


I gasp awake with fear that I'll never be a part of their lives ever again. I steady my breathing and sigh. That was the worst dream ever. I can’t go on like that. I take a glimpse at the clock and wow! It’s 11pm! I couldn’t have slept that long. That’s crazy. I get up and put on my green tank top and dark blue jean shorts. I need to be ready for people to come.


I spray more of my ocean perfume and turn off my air conditioner. I walk onto my balcony, Will people show up? Yes they will. If I feel like this, other’s are certain to feel the same. I wait and watch in the dark. BING! My alarm went off. People have to be here soon. A moment or so later a group of 13 people come in intrigued with what I have in mind. 


“Hello everyone. I’m Ivory and today we’re gonna make the break for it. We deserve to go back home to our family’s instead of mindlessly walking through town. Don’t ask but I was mindlessly doing that today and that’s exactly why I called this to happen. If you don’t wanna leave this tropical place then you can leave this room.” I say more confidently than I feel. 


I lead these girls outside because it’s more deserted than the hotel. I lead them to a patch of grass that’s swaying along with the wind. There’s a lake in the middle of the field. 


“Sit in a circle around the lake, hand attached to one another,” I say a little jittery because of the wind. We all sit around the lake, fingers laced around each other. I could feel my hands getting clammy but I ignored the sensation. "Look into the lake, see how the water reflects the brightness of the moon. Find yourself calmed by the moon? Look, breathe and move on.”


November 17, 2020 02:08

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15 comments

Lovely story Monica! I just absolutely enjoyed it!

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Monica D
14:23 Nov 29, 2020

Thanks, do you have any feedback?

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Well, the only thing I noticed is after you put the ellipsis, don't capitalize the first letter of the word. For example: "“I have a question...Who am I? Who are we?” I ask?". You see that you capitalized the letter 'w' in the word 'who'? Yeah, there's no reason to do that. That's all I noticed. Other than that, you did an excellent job!

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Monica D
14:41 Nov 29, 2020

thanks for the feedback and I just realized I can't edit it! So sorry. Hope I didn't bother you.

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No problem!! :)

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21:27 Jan 02, 2021

great job! I like the way you describe her feelings at that moment, they're very good! critique would be that in a couple spots you capitalized when you didn't have to, like here: "It’s Damp, but a warm type of damp..." The first time you wrote damp was capital when it didn't have to be. Other than that, when you were describing the floors and hotels, the first time you put just the numbers, not the place, but the second time you fixed it. "I get to my room, number 45 on the 3 floor of the 5 hotel in my age group. Danielle’s room is 34 on ...

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Monica D
00:18 Jan 03, 2021

Thanks for the feedback! sorry about the capitals and the 3rd floor. Glad you liked it!

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00:26 Jan 03, 2021

np!

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Linda Brodsky
21:37 Nov 27, 2020

Interesting take on the prompt, Monica. Happy writing.

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Mustang Patty
11:22 Nov 23, 2020

Hi, Monica, This is a good first draft of a great story. Your idea is almost clear from the writing. I was able to glean most of the idea and I think your writing would benefit a great deal from using some basic editing tips. I am putting together an Anthology of Short Stories to be published in late Spring 2021. Would you be interested? The details can be found on my website: www.mustangpatty1029.com on page '2021 Indie Authors' Short Story Anthology,' and you can see our latest project on Amazon. '2020 Indie Authors' Short Story Anth...

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Monica D
20:16 Nov 27, 2020

Sure ;) Thanks for your comment

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Natalie Dafoe
13:20 Nov 17, 2020

Beautiful story! My favourite part is this: “ I lay back in the cool water letting my hair soak into the water as the water hugs me like a blanket, a cool blanket” it is simply beautifully written. I felt like I was on the beach with Ivory the whole way. Some small grammar / spelling tips like you asked: -bord= bored -in the sentence “ damp, Like it was perfect temperature” Like does not need to be capitalized -“ I wish I could smile. I can’t smile back though” can be shortened to “I can’t, though.” Since you’ve already clarifie...

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Monica D
20:32 Nov 17, 2020

Thanks Lara, I fixed the grammar issues for you so Thanks for letting me know about them.

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Natasha Blewett
05:36 Nov 17, 2020

I love this !!! you can visualize everything, well paced all the way through.

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Monica D
13:02 Nov 17, 2020

Thanks, I really appreciate your comment.

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