Bear with it

Come on, get in. Drop the stuff; we’ll move it later. I’m wet— it’s either too hot or I’m old...

You’re rushing, Emeth. Don’t push the river, and you won’t sweat.

Oh, shut the fuck up, will you?

Can we open the windows? Any other way out of here?

What’s up, Bane? Scoping out escape routes?

It’s so stuffy here. I can’t breathe.

Did your mom smoke while she was pregnant with you?

I don’t know. Why are you asking?

She definitely did; that’s why you think you’re suffocating.

It’s the sun— I’m afraid. It’s too damn strong today.

You’re afraid of the sun?

Not literally afraid, but it makes me uncomfortable. The other day I went to the store. I felt heatstroke coming, panicked, and ran back home, pulled out every blanket and sheet and covered the windows.

Great, Bane! Meanwhile, while you were sharing that story, I carried the bags into the room, opened the windows, plugged in the fridge and the stove, and now I’m replacing a lightbulb and testing the switch.

Leave him alone. He needs to vent.

This isn’t venting; it’s verbal diarrhea.

Jesus, what a guy! I’m listening, Bane.

Forget it; I get it.

Alright, enough bullshit. Take out the food and beer, and Bane, make some coffee.

Meat, potatoes... I don’t know how you’re still alive!

And I don’t know how you’re alive when all you eat is fruits and vegetables.

Meat fills you with the animal’s negative energy at slaughter.

That’s grim. Just imagine how those poor animals felt in that moment.

I feel fantastic when I eat a pig’s head. That probably means the pigs are thrilled to leave this world.

Well, that actually makes sense.

And have you ever eaten an orange, smartass?

Nope.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You don’t like it?

How would I know if I’ve never tried it? Is the coffee ready?

I made it just for you guys. I can’t have any; I already had one this morning. Coffee makes my blood pressure drop suddenly.

Doesn’t coffee raise blood pressure?

It does, but only briefly. Then it crashes twice as hard. Just drink water, Bane, when your pressure drops. Sip it, slowly.

And coffee all at once, right?

Don’t be an asshole.

Relax! We’re on the mountain.

It’s good that we came. Two days here, and we’ll feel like new people.

I get dizzy here- must be the thin air.

Try breathing, Bane. Might fix your head, too.

If he believes it works, it will.

And if I believe I have a yacht?

Want it enough, and you’ll get it.

You two are fucking idiots.

So? Do we have a plan, or are we just going to hang out here for two days?

I’m going fishing at dawn. You two do whatever you want—come with me or stay and do something else.

I’m not waking at 4 a.m. to fish. I need 8 hours of sleep.

Me neither. It’s not for me. I don’t get how you can sit still for hours, staring at a float.

That’s the beauty of it. While you’re watching the float, no thoughts enter your mind.

Bullshit! If I knew how to turn off my thoughts, I wouldn’t have any problems.

Oh, what problems do you have? You’re just overthinking it.

You don’t know what panic attack is like- heart racing, room spinning, and you’re sure you’re dying over nothing.

I know what your problem is.

What?

Your problem is that you’re looking for a solution to a problem you don’t even have.

What the fuck?!

I get what you’re saying, Emeth, and you’re absolutely right.

So my problem is that I don’t have a problem?

Exactly.

You’re screwing with me. Let’s just go to sleep—it’s late anyway. And Freud, if you’re planning to fish, you should get some rest.

...

Who is it? Who the hell’s there?! Speak up!

Bane, calm down. There’s no one there.

There is! I’ve been hearing something outside for a while now, but it’s so dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face! And we don’t have a signal! The nearest house is miles away!

Take it easy, man. Breathe. Emeth, give me a paper bag. Here. Put the bag over your mouth and nose and breathe... Feeling better now?

Fuck no! Call an ambulance, for God’s sake! I’m having a heart attack!

Bane, there’s no ambulance here. Two hours from a town- you’ll calm down.

I don’t give a damn! Call them—even if they’re in Tokyo! Call an ambulance!!!

Why did  you just splash water on him and slap him?!

To snap him out of it.

That’s not how it works, you idiot. In the Anxiety Elimination Handbook, it clearly says slapping someone in this state only makes them more anxious. Their subconscious reacts as if they’ve done something wrong, triggering a fight-or-flight response. But if you step on their foot, it distracts their mechanisms and calms them. Look. How are you feeling now, Bane?

Soaked, slapped, and stepped on. Idiots.

Jesus, what’s this...?!

What do you mean, “what’s this”? I’ve been telling you for half an hour that something’s out there, and you just hit me!

Dude, this definitely doesn’t sound human.

Shut up. Wait... It’s gone quiet.

I can’t see anything.

It’s pitch black- I nearly died of fright.

Maybe it’s just some bored hillbilly messing with us. These mountain folk sit around drinking all day and pull pranks when they get bored...

Bro, go outside and check who it is.

You go first—I’m too busy laughing.

What are we going to do?

What time is it?

Almost five.

It’ll be dawn soon. We’ll see who it is then.

Do you have a flashlight?

No dear, do you?

Let’s light something and throw it outside.

Grab a rag. Got a bottle... wait... here, I found one... Lighter... it’s on the table... Rag, rag... Okay, here’s the rag! Put the rag in the bottle. Bane, light it. No! It’s out.

Soak the rag in oil first dumbass.

I can’t see anything... There’s no one out there...

Quiet. It stopped.

And you were saying it’s just hillbillies?

Guys, what if it’s... the Yeti?

The Yeti is lives in the Himalayas. This is hillbilly bear country- worse.

Do you two even know what a Yeti is?

No.

Of course not. Half Bane, half Stillman.

What?

Half ape, half man.

Great. I’m the ape again.

Shut up already, damn it!

Do you have any weapons here?

Oh, Mr. Pacifist wants to play with guns.

I wouldn’t shoot him, stupid, just scare him off, whoever it is.

I don’t.

Oh my God, what a roar! Guys, what the fuck is that?!

Dawn is breaking!

A bear!

...

For God’s sake, what are you swallowing now?

Xanax. But it’s pointless—I never know when it’ll hit me.

So what’s the point, then?

The point? Well, I always wonder—what would I be like if I didn’t take all this crap? If even with it, I still have panic attacks and depression... You know, once I had to go to a colleague’s birthday party. I thought I took my meds, relaxed, and I had a blast- but when I got home- they were still by the fish tank.

That’s all mass hypnosis and placebo, man.

What does mass hypnosis have to do with my meds?

For example, Xanax. Since the ’90s, every Hollywood movie shows someone taking Xanax for stress. And through mass hypnosis, it seeps into your subconscious. The good news is, panic attacks are out of fashion now. The new trend in movies is bipolar disorder. So, look on the bright side—if you hadn’t developed panic attacks, you’d probably have bipolar disorder by now, which is a real nightmare. The only thing I can’t figure out is what the hell these vampire movies are trying to tell us. That they’re everywhere? That maybe our neighbor’s a vampire? Hell, what if it’s not a bear out there, but a vampire? Or worse—a vampire bear?!

Oh, shut up and help me push this dresser against the door.

I always end up in these shitty situations. Barely managed to be born—got stuck during labor because I didn’t want to come out. And now this—I go into nature to relax and run into a bear. Only me. That’s just my luck. I go to the beach, step on a greater weever fish in shallow water, and it paralyzes me with its venom. Meanwhile, the locals laugh and say they thought that fish was just an urban legend. It’s always my fault. Always bad luck.

That’s a pretty self-centered view. Does that mean I’m screwed because of you? That everything revolves around you? I’d say we’re in this mess because of Emeth, who doesn’t give a damn.

Why me?!

Whose idea was all this?! "Let’s go to the mountain! We’ll feel reborn!" If you hadn’t insisted, we wouldn’t be stuck here with a bear outside.

First off, you’re not “stuck” with the bear. The bear is outside. Second, did I force you at gunpoint to come? I wanted to leave early in the morning and return in the evening. But nooo, Mr. Energy-Saver didn’t want to “waste more energy than necessary,” so he decided we’d sleep here.

So now it’s my fault?

Alright, alright, cut it out! It doesn’t matter who’s to blame. Let’s just close everything up and try to sleep—we didn’t get a wink last night.

Bane’s right. We shouldn’t take anger personally in this kind of situation.

Okay. Let’s sleep, and stop philosophizing—it’s exhausting. We’ll figure out what to do later.

...

Ugh. I think I’m drunk... Hey! If I make it out of here alive, I’m going to change my entire life. I’ll eat regularly, start exercising, go out for coffee with friends, and try to socialize.

Oh, my dear friend, it’s too late for that. We’re not making it out of here alive. Whatever life you had, that was it. The beast outside is just lying there, and after two days, it’s starving. What about you, Emeth? If we get out of here alive, what will you do?

I’ll work more and earn more. That’s all.

How about reading a book, watching a movie, going to the theater, or a concert?

If it takes those sacrifices to survive this, I’ll even go to ballet if necessary!

And you, Stillman? Quiet as usual. Is there anything you regret not doing before dying?

Yes... I’ll propose to my girlfriend. It’s time. Or rather, time is slipping away. I’ll marry her. She’s the only one who understands me, and I hope I understand her. There’s not much passion between us, not much romance, but at least she’s my best friend. I guess that’s enough for a happy marriage, isn’t it?

More than enough, my friend! My wife and I only had sex when it was time to make a baby. She cooks for me, does the laundry, irons, takes care of our son... That works for me. I work so much; I’m tired all the time. Phones ringing all day, and then I can’t even relax to sleep. She occasionally flips out, starts complaining—no romance, no passion—but she’ll calm down once I accomplish everything I want. I bought her a house, a car, we have everything. Once I open a factory, buy a yacht, and get that relaxation chair, she’ll be happy as a Japanese teenage girl studying in America.

I couldn’t live like that. If I can’t talk to my wife about art, philosophy, life, if we don’t hug and kiss all day... if I don’t grab her buttocks every time she walks by... I might as well live alone. I need love, I need magic. I’m tired of making love while worrying about a thousand things—does she like it, how do I sound, is it too small... I just want to merge with her, to stop moving and feel like we’re one. To whisper sweet things and tell her fairy tales.

That’s why you’re still single, buddy. Because you believe in fairy tales. You talk about everything with your friends, but your wife gives you kids. Wake up, man.

Ugh, I’m sick from the booze! I’m gonna puke! I need air!

Then go out, man. No one’s stopping you.

...

Whew, that was refreshing. The air out there is incredible.

Yeah, if only we could keep breathing it. We’re gonna die here, and some hillbillies will find our bodies in a month, stand at the door laughing: “Stupid city boys! Couldn’t even last two days in the wild.”

I always thought I’d die peacefully in my bed. Oh well. If the bear’s looking for me, I’m in the bed.

...

Come on, man, stop crying. We won’t have enough water to keep you hydrated.

Why bother? We’re bear food anyway… What happens after death?

Nothing. Lights out.

Bullshit. Your spirit comes back- just no memory of this crap.

Then why should I give a damn if my spirit lives when I think I’m dead? Don’t give me that shit, Stillman. Go to sleep.

I always liked the idea that you live as long as someone remembers you...

Then you’re already dead, cat-boy. Since you don’t socialize, have no wife, no kids, and your parents forgot about you.

Damn... That’s possible... What if I’m not even alive? What if none of this exists? Then you don’t exist either, cruel bastard.

Now that’s an interesting thought, Bane. But if you dwell on it, it’ll drive you straight to hell. I’ll be a flower in my next life. Someone will care for me, water me, I’ll sprout, grow, bloom, and so on. And I’ll have massive thorns—anyone not careful will get stabbed hard.

I’ll be myself again in my next life, but with a gun. I’m not going anywhere without a gun—not even to the store, just in case the cashier’s a bear. I’ll fuck him up in the next life.

Dude, can a bear even get depressed?

Hell no. A bear gets upset and thinks, “I’m gonna go catch some tourists.”

I like that, man. I’ll be a bear in the next life.

You mean, again?

Screw you. I did alright- job, kids, money, travel. No regrets.

Meh. Life’s just phases. Ride the waves.

Man, my life was just a good phase.

Not me. Mine was all bad.

Oh, Bane... Then you’ve got nothing to regret. It can’t get worse.

You’re absolutely right. Why should I suffer? Death is the solution. This bear is my salvation.

...

Alright, here’s the plan: table leg, blunt knife, and a flaming rag. Distract it, disorient it, and pray it doesn’t eat me first.

Disorient it by throwing a dead goose at it, maybe... Grab it by the neck and swing it over your head with all your might... It dies, you throw it to the bear...

Keep joking, but that’s actually not a bad idea. Too bad I don’t have a goose. Okay, I also have window cleaner—maybe I can spray it in its face... And that’s it. Alright, now for the plan. Who does what? Since you’re both cowards, I’ll voluntarily fight it. But you two need to create a distraction—confuse it.

I’ll lie on the ground and play dead. That’s my contribution.

I’ll climb the nearest tree. I read that you’re supposed to make it circle around you.

Okay, that’s something. Now, we have to think about its condition. After two days without food or sleep, it must be exhausted—that gives us an advantage.

But on the flip side, after two days, it’s starving, so...

Good point. We know nothing about bear psychology. So, whatever—may God help us.

What if we attack it, weapons out, scare it off?

Oh sure, it’s been starving two days, waiting to chat about fair bear treatment. Here’s one more thing: if the bear attacks one of us, the other two should use the opportunity to run as fast as they can. Do we agree on this?

Agreed.

Guys, I’m so happy to have had you as friends...

I wouldn’t have been alive without you. With you, maybe I won’t be alive either.

Alright. Get ready; we’re going out... It’s knocking! What the hell?!

No way...

It’s still knocking, damn it...

What do we do?

We can’t open the door for a bear!

Hey, city boys! Why aren’t you opening up? Bear scare you? Don’t worry- Buck wrestled it two days ago. Bare hands, no big deal. You held up well! Didn’t even flinch, huh? Hats off to you, cowboys!

...

We are the true hillbillies!

Hahaha!

Next time, I’m wrestling the bear myself. Buck can take a day off.

Hahahaha!

Sure, right after you panic and call Tokyo for an ambulance.

Hahahahahaha!