Marigold

Depression and trauma around pandemic type crisis

July 3rd

It's summer the sun is shining and we have been working on our garden. Mona is so excited to have fresh tomatoes and vegetables.

Saturday

That last entry feels so long ago we were happy. Planning so many things. I do not plan to add dates to my writing. I started to and I could not think of anything to write. I just sat and stared at the blank space.

Today I'm sitting on the roof. Its beautiful up here. Mostly because I can look at her. I see the glint of her golden marigold necklace sparkling in the sunlight against her dark ebony skin. It was a small token, a symbol of our love for one another. She said she would never take it off. She never did.

Funny how you remember and miss the little things. I miss her smell. She always smelled of coconuts and hibiscus. Her laugh was warm and so lyrical. It torments me as I see this twisted version of what once was my love reaching with outstretched hands. Her mouth in a twisted grin where lips were once sweet and soft. I watch her and the others from the rooftop of our home like needy hatchlings waiting for the feast. I look out at the streets of our once average neighborhood. It's tragic to know what was in store after the pandemic. We thought things would get better. For a while they did.

Sunday

When she got sick I hoped she would pull through. In a twisted way I got my wish. At times I think to myself maybe I'll go down there and kiss her one last time as they rip me apart. It would be poetic, devoured by love and finally ending this nightmare. Sometimes I wish I'd gotten sick too.

Monday

The last newscast was 3 weeks ago. It said what you'd expect "military blah blah blah…. Really help is really coming”. Who am I kidding...the power and water will go soon, food we stored will dwindle. If hope and wonder are still possible maybe someone somewhere will fix this. Maybe they will just find my blood stained journal. Maybe they will read the days and weeks that it took for the world to fall apart and maybe life will survive. I'll be a piece of it even if I'm not there. Then again...maybe I'll read it to my children.

I would tell them about both of their mothers and how they met. Our first date in the park admiring the gardens. When Mona pointed to a golden marigold flower.

I would tell them of our decision to try and have them. How we both chose insemination and each of us were trying.

How we both started throwing up the same day. We found out we were pregnant and the other was sick. At the time we thought no big deal, maybe sympathy symptoms. Things are better now we had the vaccine.

Ill write this for you, our children my children.

Tuesday

It was hard to figure out where to start. About two months ago people kept getting sicker and sicker. Many people died and many people went into comas. We thought they would also go peacefully and in the beginning they did.

As time went on though people… no not people… things started to wake up in their place. They became what she is now. We were trying for you both while this started not fathoming what could happen.

Wednesday

Im going to find a safe place for us. I know we cannot stay here. A safe place you can be born. I hope that we can all get through this. That I will have you both with no complications. Its not safe for us if there are.

I worry that after you come… I'll lose this fight, like I lost her. If I die we all die. Somehow I feel like if I could just have a moment with Mona she would tell me what to do.

I want to get the golden marigold necklace and save it for you. I want you to know what life was like before. What she was like how she would say my name. She would call me Jo.

She was a nurse and she cared for so many people and in the end only I was there to take care of her.

Thursday

I'm about 4 months along now not that it matters. I don't know what tomorrow brings so today I'll watch the sunset and reinforce the barriers on the windows. I’ll try to sleep and see where tomorrow takes us.

Friday

My name is Joanna. I realize I never wrote who I am. Mona was my life and now it's just us. I hope we live to read this together.

Saturday

Its harder to get up on the roof so I just watch from inside. Inoticed Mona lost the necklace. I'm going to watch and see if I can figure out where. I really need something some piece of us. I heard people the other night or maybe I am losing my mind. Either way it's hope for us right?

Monday

I could not function yesterday let alone write. I've packed our bag and when I looked outside today Mona lay in the street. A few of our neighbors also our there. I cannot say what happened but I heard a commotion in the night. I think whomever is here put them out of their misery. I am still unsure if it's safe to try to leave. I worry whomever did that will hurt us.

Tuesday

I have to try. I saw the necklace in the bushes it was sparkling from the sunshine. I havent seen any sick for days. I heard noises across the street but could not tell if it was sick or people like me. I plan to go out and see. I just have to work up the courage.