Secret Love

To Whom I Loved,

     There are a lot of days where I regret that I loved you. There are some days where our memories bring the biggest smile on my face, but my heart hurts and my eyes are burning because of the aching pain in my heart; yet no tears. When I see tears there is a smile on my face. I fell in love with a girl and I’m a girl myself. It is forbidden in my religion and looked frowned upon by my culture. Although our love is forbidden it never stopped me from loving you. Your fake love uplifted me.

   Your beauty mesmerized me, I couldn’t stop looking at you. I regret not expressing my feelings to you directly. I regret not holding your hand, kissing your lips, your forehead; mostly holding you in my arms and telling you that YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. I was always afraid to lose you, also afraid to look away. My eyes were always filled with love when I took a glimpse of you. Unfortunately, I wasn’t enough for you, I don’t think I will ever be. I’ve had many crushes but you weren’t a crush you were love. I realized you were love because everytime you were in pain, I felt your pain. Whenever you were sad my main focus was always to make you smile and resolve your issues. Your problems become my problems as well. Everytime you were happy I was happy. I loved seeing your smile, that smile was amazing and it shined my world.

   Falling out of love with you made me realize all the red flags, how I was such a fool thinking that you loved me. You used your manipulative, beautiful, cunning ways to get into my broken heart. Your charms worked, your beautiful smile will always be my biggest strength and weakness. I missed you so much, but now thinking about you pierces my heart. I missed seeing your beautiful eyes, your beautiful smile. You yelling at me, advising me. Although some of your advice didn’t make sense, I just loved hearing your concerns. 

   I miss our like jokes, us flirting and arguing. You lead me on and instantly backing out. I always loved your irrationality, it made you cute. You were different; you had no regrets expressing your mind. I loved that about you. You took care of me well, I never had anyone like that. 

  When I first saw you my heart skipped a beat and it was throbbing. I was like WOW SHE'S CUTE. You were wearing a blue lace dress with your auburn hair opened.You looked beautiful that day, everytime I think about it brings the biggest smile. I always loved seeing you with your beautiful hair opened. Your glistening brown eyes always made me have butterflies in my stomach. Everytime you looked at me with your flirtatious eyes and smile I couldn’t stop staring I was always in awe. But, reality always hit me why would a beauty like you fall in love with a beast like me. Your outer and inner beauty made me lead to you more, not were you only beautiful but smart. You weren’t afraid to share your ideas and definitely not of the world. You were a strong, powerful queen. A queen who knew how to handle things: the one true ability of a perfect queen. 

I wanted to see more of you, I wanted to get to know you. I prayed to God that I hoped this wouldn’t be our last meeting. I’m glad it wasn’t our last meeting and I got to know you and developed a friendship with you. My heart always throbbed when I saw you, you brought peace to my little heart.

  My family didn’t want me to love you, they disliked this part of me, they disliked that I was chasing after a girl but I didn’t care. You meant so much to me, you were my world, my everything. When I used to be upset I always thought about your hugs, your warmth. Your hugs always made me feel better, I never wanted to let you go. I wanted your warm body close to me. But I knew we would never work. Lord knows how much effort and love I put into this one sided love.

  A part of me wishes I’ve done things differently. Last year I yearned for you, you were sad I didn’t feel good. It used to hurt me that the person who I loved the most was feeling pain and wasn’t happy. I still wish you nothing but happiness. I used to pray every morning and every night for you. You were the remaining pieces to restore my broken heart. My heart was in shambles before I met you, you healed me. For once I had a reason to live, for once I believed everyone can find someone. For once I felt like I could spend my life with one person and won’t regret a minute of my life. I would love every second of my life with you. You were the person I was always looking for. You were the perfect love. 

 I never confessed my love properly to you. If I had a time machine I would time travel to when we met and re-do everything but this time I would do it properly. Although I did my best to show you my love. I chased you and you chased me. I was happy with the exclusiveness but always craved more. I wanted all of you, even your flaws. Your imperfections made you perfect.

 But, now I feel agony towards you. There’s anger, there’s pain, there’s brokenness. But my foolish heart still wants you so bad. My foolish heart still yearns for your happiness. I prayed for your happiness, I prayed that your magnificent smile would never vanish. I prayed that all of your wishes would be fulfilled, even if it meant that I had to part from you. There would always be love for you no matter what. You will always be my first love. I can never forget about you. But at this moment I don’t want to see you or speak with you.

 Lord knows how much I craved you, your voice brought peace to this innocent heart. It’s funny how you brought back the pieces to my broken heart, but then you smashed it; my heart hasn’t been sane and not the same.

I Love You my beautiful girl, you’re a dream that can never come true. You’re a wish that can never be fulfilled.

Talking to you meant the world to me

Now my heart aches when I see your name.

I promised myself I won’t speak to you again

Can’t handle the pain; can’t handle the agony

You see at first when I use to hear your voice or get a message from you.

It was the happiest thing in my life.

When I had you, I didn’t need anybody else

You were everything to me.

You were perfect.

You’re still perfect but not for me.

My heart was restless; it use to a skip a beat

Now it just hurts.

I don’t want this pain anymore

I’ve stopped loving you, I’ve stopped caring about you.

It was the most liberating feeling

My soul feels lifted.

But some of its still there

It’s work in progress

I use to pray for your happiness; for your wellbeing 

Now I pray that I let my mind and body be over you

I still wish you the best, but I just don’t want you to be a part of the circle

I’ve moved on from this one sided confusing love of yours

I’ve moved on now, but you moved on a while ago.

Sincerely,

The person who loved you the most