Oblivious

I know he is mocking me. I feel it in my bones. This overwhelming sensation of humiliation and embarrassment that takes its stride when you bear witness to it happening. It unfolds in front of you like a sealed letter from an envelope. 

You can't help but glance around in haste hoping that nothing is out and it is all still concealed. He hates me. I just know it.

I simply refused to dance with him because I can not contain my feelings very well. I struggle to hide them when I see him, especially when his bright brown eyes linger more than they should. 

When his attention is suddenly caught by something interesting he can't help but be intrigued like a child wanting to know the mysteries of what confuses and charms him.

He looked my way while laughing and my face paled. He noticed the grim look on my face and approached me.

"What is ever wrong Miss Kiza?" He asked with worry in his tone.

"Nothing at all Sir Nicholas." I sarcastically said.

"Did I do something wrong to cause you any displease?"

"Are you not trying to make a mockery out of me?" 

"Do you really think I have ill intentions?"

"I do not doubt so, for the last woman before I who rejected your offer was rumored badly upon." 

"I was a fool back then but now I am different."

"I just saw you laughing with your friends while you looked at me."

"Because I can't help but always look at you Miss Kiza."

"What do you mean?"

"My eyes always seem to land on you, wherever they look."

"Well, I'm sorry I'm such a bother then! I'm not the main attraction in this room. If you want entertainment, you can stare right at the singer over there." I pointed at the young lady with luxurious hair and a phenomenal voice.

"That is not what I meant."

"Do you find my troubles amusing to you, is that it?"

"You not finding another dance partner besides me? Yes."

"Did you just come here to ruffle my feathers?" I glared at him angered and outraged by his hurtful demeanor.

"Why did you refuse my proposal for a mere dance?"

"You clearly would like to dance with much prettier and richer looking girls than settle for….well me." He appeared annoyed by my statements.

"Settling for less is always a virtue."

"So you do not think I'm pretty enough? Am I ugly to you Sir?"

"Not at all." He reached his hand to grab my arm, but I shied away hoping that he did not catch my strong facade slip to reveal my deep tangled roots of a mess I call emotions.

"You did not entirely disagree and also said that I am of less."

"You are enough." He looked away as if embarrassed by his claim. I found his behavior peculiar and unexpected. 

"What are your true intentions? All but good I presume."  

"You do try so hard to draw out silly conclusions." I gasped insulted by his words.

"What do you want of me?"

"How do you not yet understand?" He watched me as I stared back with utter confusion and misconception. He shook his head and clicked his tongue. He sighed and bowed to me.

"I'm sorry to have troubled you, Miss." He apologized before going back to his group of male friends.

My mind has now become distracted with the odd conversation we had. I try to recall if there was something more that I could not quite gather but only to retrieve intense feelings of provocation and hurt.

My heart was still pounding furiously, and my blush grew. I am repulsed by myself, even after our confrontation I was still entranced and could not easily escape the chains I had built from years ago because of my affection that might never be reciprocated.

Love is such a terrible thing. It burdens you with confusing feelings that suffocate you. It tugs at your heart strings loosening threads you have kept mended, destroying you little by little until no thread is left to keep it closed. 

I watched in jealousy how Sir Nicholas went and politely asked a beautiful lady to dance with him. She did not even hesitate. They swiftly glided into the center of the ball gaining attention from the delighted audience.

Of course. This all makes perfect sense. A beautiful lady with a handsomely beautiful man. It clicked inside my head like it was the most logical reason I had ever thought of.

A sense of sadness and loss swept over me and I quickly turned and escaped from the loud music that was playing in harmony with the movements of the dancers. The voices became whispers as I reached the hall leading to the front stairs.

"Where are you going?" A voice called out with footsteps echoing behind.

"I must leave." I gripped my dress and walked more quickly. 

"But why?" He without much effort caught up to my pace and looked at me with amusement twinkling in his earth bounding eyes.

"Why? Why!? Look at me!" I yelled, stopping. 

His eyes began examining my face then roaming my body in concern. 

"Are you hurt?"

"I am." My lips quivered, and my eyes brimmed with tears.

"Where?" 

"Right here." I patted at my chest.

"Y- your breast?" 

"No you buffoon, my heart! It aches in knowledge of how oblivious you are." His eyes then widened in realization.

"You say I am oblivious yet I've approached you multiple times in pursuit of your affection. And you had always denied me...us."

"I did not know…"

"Or maybe you didn't believe, but hear me when I say, Miss Catharine Kiza, I am infatuated with you. I adore your curly rags of hair, your dimpled smiles, and your obnoxious laughter." He confessed. I raised an eyebrow at his questionable phrases and couldn't help giggling.

"I too, Sir Benjamin Nicholas, without doubt have fallen madly in love with you." He gave me one of his most charming, lady killing smiles that blind your eyes and your heart.

Love isn't as bad as I had claimed and imagined. My reckless behavior had actually opened the door I had always feared yet desired. And to think it all began with a misunderstanding.