I walk with a smile on my face and a cloud in my head

Was she even worth it? Did I really waste 4 years of my life with someone just so we could become strangers with memories? These were the thoughts that struck my mind as I closed my eyes and listened to the crickets outside my bedroom. I only slept 3 and half hours that night, I guess I should be thankful, it was more than my usual time. 

Scrolling through social media became my new morning coffee, after figuring out that everyone was doing something, I got the courage to get up and do something myself. Water can heal, yet it also had the ability to get clogged in your ears and give you this sensation of what you would hear if you were drowning. After I finished my shower, I headed to the kitchen for some breakfast. Making eggs in silence is not satisfying at all, so what do I do? I turn on my spotify shuffle. Damn, I am so tired of love songs. I would hear these songs with her, yet they had a different meaning back then, compared to what they do now. Lyrics would stab my heart and rip it into pieces, place them back in my chest for the next cruel lyric to hit. I survived through enough of the pain to eat my pancakes and scrambled eggs. 

I arrived at work on time. 

“Good morning, Alexander”, Dave said waving at me. 

“Good morning, Dave, Are we busy today?” 

“Yeah, man, the boss put a bunch of deadlines at the front so we could finish.” Thank God, I thought to myself. “Man, my fingertips are cramping up so much, I think I might not be able to hold my fork for lunch today”, Dave laughed as he saw his swollen hands

“Make sure to put some ice when you get home, Dave, it’s only Monday after all”

Dave chuckled, “Ain’t that right”

I worked for a writing company that would help create the blogs and articles for brands and big organizations. Dave was not kidding when he said the boss had put a lot of prompts to be done. But anything is better than thinking about her..

By the time lunch came, I had written and revised 3 articles of over a million words.

 I loved writing but you always had to take a break since the cloud of ideas would leave your brain at times. I think I would notice the red flags but I was too attached to the concept of “loyalty” to ever say something. I remember she would get mad when I didn’t invite her to lunch but then I’d try to make up fo it by cooking her a delicious dinner at home. Her favorite dish was spaghetti with light sauce. My alarm went off and  I cleaned up my items from the break room and headed back to my cubicle. It was a successful day at work and my phone had given me notifications that some of my ebay items had sold. I’d guess a treat myself to an ice cream. 

Out of all 7 billion people in the world I had to come across her at the ice cream shop, I wanted the ground to swallow me. I was not ready to see her because I was still yearning for her arms although she wanted nothing to do with me. She wouldn’t look at my direction so I went to her and asked, “hey, how are you doing?” I didn’t know she would reply with words that would swarm around my head and not let me sleep for the next couple of days

“Yea, of course I am. Alexander, its been 2 months..”, she grabbed her ice cream and walked past me, as she did so her golden hair drifted behind her and in front of me. I could smell her cherry blossom scented shampoo, she did leave a small bottle of it in my apartment after all. 

Two months, that’s what it took for a girl to forget and destroy all the memories we had built for years. The kisses, the hugs, the night cuddles were all gone to her but for me, I am stuck in time. I am reminiscing on the same romance movie and I don’t want to leave the theater. Maybe the reason for this is that I do not remember what it’s like to be single, to not have a companion or maybe it’s because without knowing I had pushed most of my friends away. Maybe I even pushed her away…

I ordered a caramel sundae with walnuts and ate it slowly as I walked back to my apartment. The sky was blue with clouds at random spots and I wonder if they got lonely since they were all separated. As I  got to my apartment Ms. Chesterfield was taking her groceries inside, “Oh hi Alexander! Hey, can you give me a hand these muscles aren’t as strong as the used to be.” Ms. Chesterfield was a petite older woman with ginger hair turning white at the ends and tender kind, dark blue eyes. 

“Of course, Ms. Chesterfield I was already planning on it”, I said as we finished carrying the rest of bags up the flight of stairs. 

“Thank you, you’re always so kind, here I have this bag of candy the children left last time they came to visit”

“Ms. Chesterfield, I am not a kid”

“Compared to me, you couldn’t look any different than a toddler.” We chuckled.

“Have a wonderful night, Ms. Chesterfield”

“You too, honey”, as she waved goodbye and closed her wooden door.

 I went up to my apartment, it was empty, missing light, kinda like my mind. I turned on the lights and got ready to go to bed. My bed, the place where I am supposed to fall sleep but all I can see when I close my eyelids are those nights that she would stay with me and we had too much to drink. I don’t want to give my heart to someone new, I won’t be able to move on. 

I took one deep breathe, day 62 without her and I have to make it to day 63…

Night, world 

Goodnight, world 

(2:52am)

“Yea, of course I am. Alexander, its been 2 months” the words rang in my head as the crickets outside of my apartment chirped.