Visiting the Dead

Mom drops me off at the door. “I’m going to the office for a while, okay, sweetie? I won’t be gone long, I just… I need something to keep me busy.”

“Fine.” I shut the car door and go inside. As soon as I’m in my room, I trade my suit for a t-shirt and shorts. The sun is shining and the sky is unbroken by clouds. And I thought it rained at funerals.

I know I’m supposed to lock myself in my room and cry or something. That’s what you do when your other half eats a bottle of Tylenol like it’s candy, right? But if Courtney were here, she’d be begging me to go for a run with her. So that’s what I’m going to do.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t even a little bit mad at her for leaving. That’s why the run is short.

When I get home, I shower and throw on pajamas. Then I go to the kitchen and start pulling out pots and pans. Mom gets back at that moment.

“Oh, sweetie, you really shouldn’t do that. We have so much--”

“I thought you weren’t going to be gone long.” Mom sighs. 

“I’m sorry, Zach. I just got a little caught up. Dave needed me to--”

“I need you here.”

“I know, sweetie, I know. If you’re hungry, please just let me heat up some of Mrs. Radley’s lasagna. Linda says it’s absolutely heavenly.”

“Courtney liked it when I cooked.”

“Well, she’ll understand if you take a break for a while.”

“And I guess that’s when we stopped talking.” Aidan nods. She takes my hands and squeezes them. I jerk away from her and pull my textbook into my lap. “So, Henry VIII’s first wife was Catherine of Aragon, and he wanted to divorce her because he believed she couldn’t produce a male heir.”

“You said that half an hour ago.”

“Oh. Um. Sorry, it’s just--”

“You miss her.”

“Yeah. I’d give anything to talk to her again.” After a moment, I clear my throat, breaking the silence. “So, back to Henry VIII and Anglicanism--”

“I’m psychic, you know.”

“Yeah, sure.”

"Really, Zach. I can put you back in contact with Courtney.”

“Uh huh. And, pray tell, how do you do that? Ouija board? Tarot cards? A crystal ball?”

“Every house has a portal to the land of the dead. I’ve been able to sense yours since I got here.” I laugh and roll my eyes.

“Wow. How long did it take you to make that up?” She glares at me.

“I didn’t. Come on, I’ll show you.” I follow Aidan out of my room. My vision is slightly red at the edges. I can’t believe she’s taking things this far. I can’t believe she’s torturing me like this. And I can’t believe--”

We’re in the bathroom. Aidan moves the mirror from the wall and knocks three times, chanting in a strange language. 

The portal opens in a swirl of gray and black. Aidan smirks at me and holds out her hand. I take it hesitantly, and she leads me through. Goosebumps rise on my arms, then Aidan’s the only thing I can see. “Hello,” she calls. “Courtney Lawrence?” Incoherent whispers echo around us. “Your brother’s here to see you. Zach. He misses you. Do you want to talk to him?” The whispers stop, and then Courtney emerges.

“Zach?” Her small voice barely reaches my ear. “Is that you?” I nod and walk towards her. As I approach, she screams and falls to her knees, clutching her stomach. “Why does it hurt so much?” Her shaking shoulders slip through my fingers when I try to hold her. Her round brown eyes plead for help that I can’t give her. I turn and run.

In about five seconds, I’m back in the bathroom. I trip over the mirror and fall in front of the toilet. The contents of my stomach empty themselves into the water as I sob.

Her strawberry blonde hair is a mess.

She’s bent over the toilet, clutching her stomach.

She looks up at me when I try to comfort her.

“Zach? Shouldn’t you be at cross country practice?” Even though it’s five PM.

She rests her head on the cool bowl.

“Make it stop. I thought leaving would hurt less, but it hurts so bad.”

Her voice is only a whisper. 

I call 911.

I hold her hand in the ambulance.

The next time I see her, the light in her eyes is gone.

I rip myself away from the hand on my back. The sudden contact makes my body tremble even more. Aidan helps me to my feet and guides me to bed. I black out as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Aidan and I are working on our Shakespeare project in English. He’s scanning my finished drawing of Prince Hamlet when I say, “I need to go back.” Aidan sighs, eyes on his screen.

“Zach, telling you about the portal was a mistake. I should’ve played it off as a joke when you gave me the chance.”

“Please?” We stare at each other for a moment.

“Fine. I’ll walk to your house with you after school.”

Aidan is quiet. His hands shake slightly and he scratches his face a bit every now and then. “Did Courtney wear makeup,” he asks suddenly.

“Not much. I’ll see what I can find.” As soon as we get home, Aidan disappears into the bathroom and I dig through Courtney’s drawers. When Aidan comes back, all I can give her is an eyeliner pencil and some root beer flavored lip balm. She thanks me anyway, and we go back to the bathroom after she applies the makeup.

This time, when Aidan opens the portal, I walk in ahead of her. “Courtney Lawrence,” she calls. “Zach’s back.” Courtney appears almost instantly this time.

“Where did you go,” she asks. My heart is as broken as her voice. “Everything hurts still.” 

“Sorry. I was so surprised to see you, I didn’t know what to do.” Courtney smiles a bit before wincing in pain.

“I missed you.” That’s all it takes for me to run to her, screaming her name. Courtney’s icy, intangible fingers slide through mine. She beams at me, but her eyes are glassy and far away.

"What have you been up to,” I ask.

“Eh. Being dead is kinda boring. I just float around and whisper to the psychics who come here. How ‘bout you?”

“Nothing, really.”

“Did you finish the manga?” I shake my head.

“You didn’t finish the script, remember? And I’m a rubbish writer, so….” I can’t help myself. “Why did you do it?” Courtney stares at the ground.

“I’m...not really sure anymore.”

“But there has to be a reason you left! People don’t just up and kill themselves, Courtney. Did someone hurt you? Did--did your friends know?”

“Zach, I’m cursed like everyone else here. The Tylenol still stabs at my stomach and makes me throw up. And sometimes, it makes me so confused I don’t even remember I did it. I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you.”

“Please, Courtney. I just need something.”

“I can’t. But I wish I was still alive. I thought being dead would hurt less, but I’m in as much pain now as ever.”

“Is there anything I could’ve done?” Courtney shakes her head. Aidan places her hand on my shoulder. 

“Zach, we should go.” I nod and stand up.

“Bye, Courtney, I love you.”

“Love you, too.” I follow Aidan out of the world of the dead. We walk back to my bedroom. This time, when Aidan tries to hold me, I collapse into her touch, tears pouring down my face. She rubs my back gently and whispers soothing words.

Aidan’s mom calls around five and tells her to come home. I grab her hand to keep her from going. “Is it my fault Courtney’s dead?”

“It was her decision, Zach. Even if you had seen what was happening, you wouldn’t have been able to stop it.” I nod. She squeezes my hand before walking out the door.

I make dinner and wrap some up for Mom after I eat. Aidan calls me half an hour later so I won’t be alone. And, for the first time in months, I know I’m not.