In the Back of Your Mind

In the Back of Your Mind

By Heather Ann Martinez

If you think about it, your life is a series of choices that can take you in so many different directions. There are some choices we make that can change the course of our lives and others that we know will only result in a stomach ache the next morning. There are some choices that linger in the back of your mind. These are the ones that cause you to question your faith, your abilities and many of your other decisions. Sometimes, we allow ourselves to imagine what it would have been like if we had made an opposite decision. Would it have truly been better or would it have been worse for those I love?

Sometimes, we do not know how our decisions will impact the lives of those around us. If you can imagine bumping into someone spilling hot coffee all over their suit when they are expected to be in a meeting in an hour. How will missing that meeting affect them, affect their career? Was there a chance meeting we miss due to a cold or flu or a lingering pandemic? Do we dare to take risks when we live with so much uncertainty in the world? Do we really make time to stop and smell the roses or prick our fingers on the thorns? What if we just want to take some time out?

“No!”

“No? Why no?”

“No, just because, no!”

“You can’t just say no and start walking away.”

“No, because I said so. You can’t just take time out of your life to what? To go find yourself in the woods? No, you have responsibilities. You have commitments here. This is where you need to be and what you need to be focused on.”

“I can go any time I want to, you know. I make a decision to stay here every single day. I go to a job. I go to a gym. I pay the bills. I wax the cars and fix the sink whenever it starts leaking. All I am asking for is some time out. I don’t know if I’m going to go to the woods or a retreat center, but I do know if I continue living like this, I’m going to fade away. My soul will die.”

“Well, before that happens Justin, fold the towels or fix Maggie’s costume or make dinner.”

Justin and Stella had been married five years. Maggie is their four year old daughter who has her first dance recital in a few days. Stella works from home as a customer service representative. Justin works in an investment firm. He has told Stella in the past that his job has become dry in the last couple of years. The firm has changed management staff a couple of times and Justin doesn’t feel as though anyone listens to him there. His co-workers often complain about the weather, the traffic and whichever baseball team lost the game the previous weekend. Justin used to engage in conversations with them every day but he felt like he was missing something. There was the something in the back of his mind that kept eating at him. He questioned his major life decisions. Was Stella really the woman he should have married and be raising Maggie with? Should he really be working for this firm or is the one on the other side of the city a better fit?

Stella held up Maggie’s costume to Justin. It was full of pins and plastic feathers and beads. Maggie was playing with her toys on the floor as Justin was asking Stella for a time out. He felt like a bear in a cage and couldn’t wait to get out. Stella looked at the jar of spaghetti sauce and packaged noodles on the counter. She then looked back at Justin. She wanted to know what he was going to do to help her. The dryer dinged. The towels were ready to be folded. Justin stood silently. He felt trapped by these mundane tasks that he did not feel deserved his time or attention. He didn’t know if Maggie really liked dance classes. Stella put Maggie in them because she saw other mothers put their daughters in dance classes.

Justin was paralyzed in his thoughts, in his own desires to get out. He grabbed his keys from the coffee table and walked out. He couldn’t believe Stella told him he couldn’t because she said so. Those words were what his own mother had said many times throughout his childhood. As a child, Justin wasn’t allowed to wander in the woods by himself, go hitchhiking, eat dessert past eight o’clock or watch scary movies all because his mother said so. Justin drove to the diner a few blocks from their apartment. He ordered pancakes, eggs and hash browns. He knew Stella would not approve of eating breakfast food at dinnertime. He was trying to remember a time when he felt she approved of any of his decisions since they got engaged. Stella had planned their wedding, their honeymoon, their daughter’s life from the moment she was born. Stella didn’t think Justin should have been bothered with these decisions and often excluded him from most of them especially decisions revolving around Maggie.

For the most part, Justin appreciated the way that Stella took over. He didn’t like to confront her about things he disagreed with her about. He wanted the time to think and he stole that time in the diner. He felt some guilt about leaving Stella to take care of everything but also felt like he couldn’t be helpful to her. He knew he would burn the pasta or fold the towels the wrong way. He liked sitting in the crowded diner without Stella jabbering on about something that happened at her job and Maggie tossing food on the floor. He felt trapped and unappreciated for what he did do. It was a prison in his mind and all he had to do was leave. He didn’t have to go back, he thought. He didn’t have to go to work, pay any more bills, tuck Maggie in or kiss Stella goodnight. The thought was overwhelming. It was very tempting. Then, he looked up. Stella was standing in front of him. Maggie reached out her arms and fell into Justin’s embrace. Tears streamed down Justin’s face. Stella put a piece of paper on the table. She hand wrote the words: Take your time Out but come back to us. Come back home.

Stella knew Justin hadn’t been home for a while. She wanted him back, and she knew she had to let him go in order for him to come back. The thought of leaving was also on the back of her mind.