A Imperfect Mom

James, David and Claire are doing their homework in the living room. Mom is nowhere to be seen. She knows I need to finish my essay. I told her I need a good grade on this. Why do I even bother anymore?

Irritated, I drop my backpack by the door. This is why I stay up late finishing my homework. Sometimes, not all the time, just the hard days, I wonder if it would be worse if mom had given us up for adoption. Some people aren't meant for parenthood. Like James and David dad, who left when things got hard. Claire's dad bolted as soon as he found out mom is bipolar. They weren't the first and probably won't be the last.

Hiding my feelings, I check on my brothers and sister. Claire jumps into my arms smiling. She tells me her teacher is impressed on how good her writing is getting. James and David say hi without looking up from their homework. I sit on the floor with Claire on my lap, listening to how her day went. I push her hair aside from her face.

When I found out mom was pregnant, also with a different guy again, I was more than angry. I was furious. I did not want to take care of another little sibling. It also didn't help that the baby and I would be twelve years apart. I was extremely pissed off at her that I didn't talk to her for a whole month. But the moment I saw Claire's chubby face and big brown eyes, I loved her. I can't imagine life without my baby sister.

I kiss the top of Claire's head. I check David's math. I show him which ones he got wrong. I glanced over towards James, he got his history textbook laid out on the coffee table and bent over his notebook.

Claire looks up to me and asks me when is dinner. I sigh heavily as I shift her off me. I wrinkle my nose and roll my eyes, pretending to be annoyed, but the smile escapes me.

It's after nine does mom finally come home. She swung the door wide open, letting the cold in. She announces loudly that "mom is home." She looks around, puzzled. They all went to their rooms when I asked them to. I wanted to talk to her alone.

She skips over towards me and tires to kiss my head. I pull away from her. I do not want her to touch me.

"Lucy, what's wrong?"

She really wants to know. I'll tell her. I whirl around to face her. "You mom. You are what's wrong," I snap at her "I asked you to make dinner tonight, so I could finish my essay at the library. Instead James texts me telling me you're not home."

She stands there confused. Then it hits her. Her hand shifts to her forehead. "I'm sorry sweetie. I forgot all about dinner," she says with an apologetic smile.

I know it's not all her fault. I know I shouldn't blame her. Mental illness is a struggle for everyone. I know she is trying really hard with her bipolar. Yet, it's always heartbreaking when she loses the battle.

I get up from the couch and cross my arms. "Where have you been and don't say work because I called your boss and he said you left at six o'clock. I've been calling and texting you."

"I got a coffee after work and stayed." She saunters to the kitchen. She grabs a plate from the cabinet. She starts surveying herself spaghetti.

I am not finished. "What do you mean you stayed?"

"What I said. Then I went for a walk in the woods. I walk over here. I left my car there. I'm going to have to get it before work tomorrow" She plops down on the couch. She starts shoving food in her mouth.

I look away. I'm grateful everyday that I didn't inherit her illness. I wish the same for my siblings.

"Mom. You shouldn't do that. It's too cold to walk in the woods for hours. And what if you got lost and your phone died?"

She smiles at me. Her eyes are full and bright. "It's fine sweetie. I'm okay." She goes back to eating again.

Nothing is serious with her. Everything is fine. She could do whatever she wants. "You're off your medication again," I accuse her.

"I'm sorry. It's only been four days. They make me feel weird." She set her plate down. I watch her as she gets a glass of water.

This time I followed her. "They make you feel weird because they're working. They make you a mom. You're the mom. Not me." I slam my hand on the counter. She jumps and stares at me shocked.

"Why can't you be more responsible. Why do I have to do everything, take care of my brothers and sister, clean the house, buy the groceries. Worry about you," I gesture towards her.

I may not be the best mom, but I know when something is bothering you. What is it?" She reached over to touch my cheek.

I back away. I turn around. I walk back into the living room. My voice is barely a whisper, "Why didn't you tell me my father has been living here for weeks now?" I turn around, hot tears spill down my face. "You said he left when he found out you were pregnant. When really you never told him."

Instead of looking shocked or sorry, she looks betrayed. She shakes her head and mutters under her breath. She finally acknowledged me. Her eyes grow bigger, accusing, "Have you been talking to him?"

I look down at my feet, then back up. "Why are you mad? I've been lied to my whole life. By the person who's supposed to protect me and be honest with me."

"I did it for us, she stepped forward to comfort me.

I step back. "For us?" I laugh angrily. "You mean for you. You did it for yourself."

I wait for an answer that'll never come. "You're not going to say anything? Not even to say sorry."

She starts to cry. She covers her face with her hands. What! Why is she crying? Another annoying thing she does. She's the victim.

"Why are you crying," I yell at her.

She looks up at me. "I didn't want him to take you away from me. He could have, it isn't that hard considering my mental health. I didn't think, I was off my medication then. I was afraid. And stupid. I didn't want to lose you."

I stand there with my mouth open. I remember when it was just her and me. The times when she hugged me and told me she loved me. All the kisses on the forehead. All the bedtime reading. Making cookies when I'm sad. Sure, there were times when it was bad and grandma had to stay over to help, but afterwards she would be fine. She fought for us. I hate what she did, except I could understand why she did it.

I put my arms around her. She stops crying long enough to look me in the eyes. "No can take me away from you. I love you too, mom." I rest my head on her shoulders.

"I'm so sorry Lucy," she cries. "I was scared. I should have never done that. I was wrong to keep you away from him. I know now Ben would never do that. I made a stupid wrong mistake and I don't expect you to forgive me. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay. I do forgive you. However, I'm still mad." I pull back to look at her. "Things are going to change. Ben is going to help out here."

I pull her towards the couch. I take a deep breath. "I want to go to college. I already applied to some. I'm only waiting for a response now. I want to be a pediatrician."

Her eyes look elsewhere in thought. She plays with her hair, twisting it around.I squeeze her hand. "I'll go to a college near here, so I could check on you all."

She is still processing it all. Then her eyes light up her face. "I could tell people my daughter is going to be a doctor now." Her grin shows her pride for me. She quickly hugs me. I hold on to her. My mom might not be the best, but I could always count on her love.