Dear Friend…

Dear Customer service,

Please stop sending me your product. I never ordered it. Don’t use it. Won’t pay for it.

Hello? Is there a person there at all?

Your website says ‘contact us.’ Is there an ‘us’ to contact? Or do my letters end up in some digital version of hell, never to be seen, read, or answered by another human being?

Do you have any concept of what customer service is about?

Sincerely,

Eugene Knox

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Dear friend,

Thank you for your robust interest in subscribing to our transformative, patented and cutting-edge skin care product, Lait de Sirène. Our dynamic and innovative team tries hard to address the ever-evolving concerns of our vital and invaluable customers as we face the challenges in today’s fast-paced world.

Our team of professionals at MG Laboratories, appreciate your outstanding loyalty and vibrant interest in sharing feedback to facilitate our unlocking and implementation of our supercharged transformation of the skin care landscape.

Your input is invaluable to us as we unleash our exceptionally nuanced skin care products. We would appreciate your exemplary review of our product. We promise to utilize your feedback by integrating it into our absolutely unbeatable product.

Yours truly,

The MGL team

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Dear customer service,

Wow! I actually heard back from you. I finally get a form letter that completely ignores all my complaints after umpteen phone calls and leaving like a gazillion messages.

Who is the ‘we’ who thanks me but ignores my pleas? You respond but don’t act on my requests. You haven’t addressed any issues I raised.

First off, I am not your loyal customer. I have no use for your glop or whatever you call it. (Lait de Sirène? Are you kidding me? Learn to spell – ought to be Lady Siren. Right?) I never ordered it and demand you to stop sending it to me. Despite numerous attempts to stop the deluge of this stuff into my mailbox, you insist on sending it to me daily. This should be no more than a monthly delivery. That is, monthly, to someone who actually wants the product. But not me. I am not that person. I never ordered it. Don’t want it. Want it to stop. Now!

Please take my name off of whatever customer list you have. Stop torturing me! You promote this product as skin care for women. I’m not a woman. I don’t use products like this. You are wasting time and effort on the wrong person.

I promise you don’t want my review of your ridiculous product. If I wrote it, you wouldn’t post it. I should review your glop and post it on every social media site on earth. That would kill your product and company with the negative attention.

Also, I canceled the credit card you’re illegally adding bogus charges to. I never ordered and do not want this product. How dare you charge so much for so little?

Must I resort to legal action to protect myself?

Stop! Now!

Sincerely,

Eugene Knox

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Dear friend,

Thank you for sharing your concerns. Our customer service department works tirelessly, meticulously and enthusiastically to address any and all complaints our esteemed customers may have occasion to express.

Your satisfaction is paramount to our team. We are legendary in the industry for providing unmatched, and unparalleled customer service. We’re sure you agree.

Please accept, by way of apology, a free delivery of our game-changing product, Lait de Sirène. It will maximize your glowing skin all year around.

Yours truly,

The MGL team

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Dear customer service,

Thanks to your inability to respond to a simple request, my home is jammed with your product. Your weekly deliveries were a problem before. Since you have increased the frequency of deliveries, my medicine cabinet and apartment are overflowing. (But are, BTW, not glowing.)

Space is an issue. Boxes of your goop have filled my closet. Your jars are small to the point of being ridiculous. You charge how much per ounce? And you’ve sent me months and months of this stuff that I cannot, do not, and will not use. Now you’ve doubled my non-orders despite my numerous requests, no, pleading to cancel.

Please attenuate, cut, end, stop, desist, refrain, halt, withdraw, retire, arrest, check, freeze, stall, brake, abolish, erase, delete, squelch, snuff out, quash, complete, close, finish, extinguish, conclude, close, settle, reduce, suffocate, strangle, kill, sink, scuttle, choke, stop, quit, cancel, cease, desist, eliminate, liquidate, annihilate, terminate, and delete any and all imagined orders for your product, in my name.

If these words mean anything to you, please double down on them and stop sending me your useless product.

Sincerely,

Eugene Knox

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Dear loyal customer,

We were extremely thrilled with your request to double our deliveries of our remarkable Lait de Sirène. We embrace every opportunity to cultivate and enhance our customer’s synergistic experience of smooth, glowing skin.

We adhere to the highest standards providing loyal customers with the most effective product. Your words of support resonate and ultimately underscore our success as we endeavor to provide proven solutions to the public.

Shine on!

The MGL team

~

Dear customer service,

Your astounding inability to respond to humble requests to cancel future deliveries of your product leads me to make a confession.

Your incessant deliveries of a product I had no use for overwhelmed me. In desperation, I offered some jars to my then girlfriend. She immediately took offense at the suggestion that she needed such a product. She threw the jars of your glop at me and slammed her door in my face.

I then took some of your product to my work and offered them to anyone in the office who might want them. Silly me, I fancied myself a point man for your sales department.

Imagine my shame when I was called into HR for ‘hitting on and harassing’ one of the secretaries in the front office. This never would have happened were it not for the ocean of your creams stacked in my apartment.

I tried donating it to various organizations to no avail. No one wants it.

Finally, in desperation, I dabbed a little Lait de Sirène on my own face. I couldn’t believe it. My skin became so soft. I wanted to kiss myself!

Later that week, when I accompanied my new girlfriend to a fashion show, the paparazzi swarmed me! Me! Having tried your product, I wasn’t surprised. But tell me a humble computer programmer, like me, shouldn’t be pleased. Imagine what it’s like getting the star treatment.  

I owe it all to you.

Thank you so much!

Eugene Knox

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Dear loyal customer,

Thank you for your interest in our product, ‘Lait de Sirène.’

Due to changing demographics, our marketing department recently decided on a change of course. Consequently, we have discontinued production and distribution of the product Lait de Sirène.

However, may we interest you in our new product - ‘Mega Magic Glop’? Our chemists are always working to optimize their research into unbeatable products. We are especially proud to announce their newest concoction, ‘Mega Magic Glop.’ Arguably, it is light years ahead of our previous releases in its unique ability to deliver the utmost in satiny skin to our loyal customers. No ironing required.

Please find a free sample, due to arrive any day in your mailbox. Feel free to utilize Mega Magic Glop to enhance and restore your skin’s natural balance.

Yours truly,

The MGL team

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Dear customer service,

If you are going to use my terminology, ‘glop,’ at least give me a cut of your profits, or a discount on your over-priced slime.

I look forward to your response. If I am not completely satisfied, expect to hear from my lawyer.

Sincerely,

Eugene Knox