Freedom in Foolishness

The old days of school were nice, back then classes were composed of only modern tables, wooden chairs, and a blackboard. 

Kids came to school to study, at least most kids. Some, like myself, would rather spend all day working in a ditch with our best mates than sit in a classroom all day watching a boring teacher teach boring teachings. That is exactly why I decided in 1998, at age 13, that I would stop wasting my time in school.

My parents didn't agree with my judgement.

We were at the dinner table when I brought up the idea…

"… You know, dad, I have been thinking…"

Dad chuckled. "You think now, son?" My mom and two elder brothers laughed with him.

I continued unperturbed. "… I have been thinking, can't I come work with you guys instead of going to school?"

The laughs stopped altogether once, and my dad's face became serious. "You fool," he pointed his finger at me. "… You have no idea what I would sacrifice to be given the opportunity to go to school and get an education. I am sending you to that school, so you don't have to work in a ditch like me and your brothers." 

He reached across the table and grabbed my neck. "Don't you dare say something that foolish in my presence ever again."

I struggled to keep my tears inside, knowing that I was cursed to be born in such a miserable family.

School started soon enough, and I found myself in a maths class being explained things that I would never use in my day-to-day life and being told that I am wrong for thinking that way when everyone knows that is true. So I decided, I would get myself expelled.

"Mark, place surely is printed exercises with the class." Mr Pillsbury was a man early 40s who was unusually skinny, had a massive head and wore very baggy clothes, his most distinctive feature was his bald head which reflected badly the light of the sun coming in from the windows.

A tall young man with flowing blonde hair stood up and went up to the teacher's desk to pick up the stack of paper which is chiefly distributed to each of his 20 classmates. I was one of those classmates, and that day, I felt like getting in trouble.

To my left and right there were my two best friends, Jamie and Darren, who agreed with me that school was a waste of time, but had never mustered up the courage to tell their parents.

After being given the piece of paper by Mark, it occurred to me that Mr Pillsbury had his back to the class and was solving some of those exercises on the blackboard so that we, the students, could match our own answers with his. Mind you, I was never troublesome student, in fact I was among the top of the class. That's why Jamie and Darren were shocked to see me crunch the paper into a ball and stick it inside my trousers, pull it out, smell it and go, "bleah."

They both shook their heads. "That's disgusting, man.”

"Watch this…" I whispered.

I held up my left hand and stared at the spot between my index finger and my thumb to triangulate for the back of Mr Pillsbury's neck while Jamie whispered. "… You won't do it…"

And Jamie would have been right if this had happened before my conversation with my father, now my care for school had been zeroed out. Before I could realise my hand holding the ball of paper was speeding up to throw and in no time the smelly capable kit the back of Mr Pillsbury's head.

Before the teacher got around, myself, Jamie and Darren had swiftly put our heads down pretending to be busy doing the work, but I had nothing on my desk which immediately made me the prime suspect.

"Mr Dent, I don't know what has got into you... How dare you disrespect me in that manner? TO THE PRINCIPAL!!!"

I have to admit, although this I was shitting myself just thinking about the beating I will receive when I got back home, I couldn't help but giggle. In fact, I left the class with a smile printed on my face.

The next day...

"Oh my God… Look at that…" Jamie tried to touch my black eye, but I slapped his hand away.

"You earned it, mate." Darren was munching on a large serving of potato chips and chicken.

Jamie grimaced. "Close your mouth when you eat, you filthy pig."

"I-I know it weird to say, but it felt good…"

"What, getting beat by your dad?" Jamie tried to poke into my eye, I slapped his hand, harder this time.

"No, you dimwit! I mean, throwing paper at Mr Pillsbury."

"Well…" Darren was swallowing a fistful of chips. "You better not do that again, I have never seen Mr Pillsbury so pissed."

"I'll do something bigger next time, you'll see… Ouch!" Jamie had finally succeeded in poking my black eye. I grabbed his index finger, squeezed it and pulled down to make it arch backwards, leaving Jamie screaming in pain. Meanwhile, Darren had shoved a full chicken wing in his mouth and was beating on his chest to try to make it go down more easily.

About two or three months passed from that day, since I had struggled to find something bigger and more epic to do to put myself in trouble. 

If I was going to pull another prank, it had to be bigger than the one before, but I was sure it’d have to be on Mr Pillsbury. So I watched him for weeks and realised that he was always the last teacher to enter school every day.

Now, the only way inside the car park was a narrow gate at the back of the school. That gave me an idea…

One day doing reasons I ran to the gate making sure I wasn't spotted by anybody looking to get up and down I found the perfect spot there was a gap between the hinges of the gate which were just inches away from any car which passed by.

My brothers used to own a dagger with a thick gummy soft handle, and I believed it was just long enough to do what I wanted it to do...

"Ollie, why are you going this early?" Mom had just finished cooking breakfast for my little brother when she saw me sprint out of the door. I was gone before she had any chance to force an answer out of me.

I got to school at the same time as kids whose parents had to go to work early. They looked at me weird but I didn't care. I hid between in some bushes in the school garden, near the gates where teacher came in.

The last person to come in before Mt Pillsbury was usually the principle and, after I watched him enter the school, I ran to the gate and fixed the blade between the hinges of the gate, then I heard a car approaching. I left the blade near the bottom of the gate protruding about 5 inches in the direction of any incoming car.

I don't think I've ever ran as fast as I did the day, in order to reach the other side of school without anyone noticing where I just came from. And in the mists of parents kissing the children goodbye I was able to somewhat be unnoticed.

"Why are you so sweaty?" Asked Jamie coming out of his dad’s car.

"It's not sweat, I just had a later shower…"

Jamie's eyes lingered on me a little too long, so I just walked away without saying anything else.

I have to admit, I was a little nervous as I was in class to see Mr Pillsbury's reaction. And then he entered the room…

We all stood up as normal and immediately whispers started going around.

"… Look at how red is…"

"… What's with the veins on his forehead…"

"… Maybe his wife didn't suck him off right last night…" This last comment was Darren’s, and he said it loud enough for Mr Pillsbury to hear, yet the man didn't say a word, which prompted the whole class to stay quiet, lest they become the target of this anger.

If you had looked at me at that moment, you wouldn't have been able to tell that within was smiling little devil, proud of what he had done.

It was in fact during recess that the others found out what happened via whispers which went across the school.

Mark had overheard, that someone scratched Mr Pillsbury's car. "… And I don't think the small scratch either. From the way the principal was talking about it, it seems like something serious."

"How serious?" Jamie asked.

"I heard the principal say ... do not worry, Andrew, whoever did this will have to pay for the damage and will be thoroughly punished.'"

And I laughed on the inside.

Someone snitched on me. I was thoroughly questioned all day and they concluded it was me after showing the dagger to my dad.

“YOU FOOOL!!!” Was the last thing I heard before a smack across the face distorted my senses.

When I came back to school the next day, I was questioned again, this time by all the classmates.

“I’m shocked you’re still here…” Said Darren.

‘I’m shocked you’re still alive. If I had done such a thing my dad would have eviscerated me. How much do you have to pay in damages?”

I shrugged. “I got no idea. They didn’t tell me and I don’t even want to know.”

Mark who sat nearby overheard and commented. “Are you trying to get yourself expelled or something?”

“Yup.”

My newfound confidence, was exhilarating and scary. I had to do something else, it would have to be bigger and better. The knockout punch.

I thought about it for months, so much so I wondered whether it was worth pulling a prank on Mr Pillsbury alone, or to pull a prank and the entire school… So I decided to do both…

Well, I started stalking Mr Pillsbury again and noticed that during recess, he was known to go to the teacher's lounge's toilet, where he would stay until the students went out to play in the yard. (… I suspected, he was a little antisocial and wanted to spend some time alone…)

I had something in mind that would not only be epic, but might actually get me kicked out if I got caught this time.

To do what I had in mind I would need a lot of ants… I spent the next month digging up ant colonies and picking up as many ants as could to drop them inside the plastic bottle.

Soon enough, this bottle was filled with ants' corpses. I kept that bottle in my bag at all times, just waiting for the right opportunity.

That came about two weeks before the end of school…

I asked Mr Pillsbury if I can go to toilet, to which he responded. "Don't go roaming around school wasting time. If you are not back within 15 minutes, I will call your parents."

I could feel his eyes lingering as I went out the room. If only he knew was about to happen to him…

I roamed around the school corridors until I found a door which had written, DON'T ENTER. 

The door led to the school pantry. I opened it, peeked in to make sure no one was there and sneaked in without looking behind me. I could hear the russian school's cook's voice.

"… How many times I told you, bring out potatoes and peel before 11 o'clock. Now they are going to be undercooked. What have you been doing?"

A younger voice. "Sorry Berta... I-I have been making the salad. It's in the fridge…"

"Bring it out, let me see it." A door open and light entered the room. As if driven by adrenaline itself, my body found the nearest hiding spot within the second and round to it even faster. Before I knew, I found myself behind the fridge and steps moving towards me. I have to admit, my legs were shaking, I felt like even my eyes were sweating.

"Please God, make it good enough…" The woman whispered to herself. She left the room and the door open, so I didn't move.

"Mhm… It doesn't look that bad, kids eat anything anyway."

"Thank you… I think…?"

I heard her steps approach the fridge again, this time to put the salad back inside. As soon as she closed the door, stepped in front of the fridge, opened it up and pulled out the bottle with ant cadavers out of my jacket's pocket. In a rush, I raised the lid of the large bowl containing the salad and poured nearly half of the bottle's insects.

I didn't have time to do more damage, so I left crossing my fingers hoping my diversion would work. I ran back to class, where Mr Pillsbury said in a relatively calm voice. "A couple minutes more, and you would have been in trouble, young man."

All that was left to do, was wait.

During recess…

"Where's Ollie?" Asked Darren.

Jamie shrugged. "Probably doing something stupid."

And Jimmy was right, I was patiently waiting in the corner between the corridor that led to the front door and the corridor where you could find the teacher's lounge and the cafeteria. It was just a matter of time until…

The lady who made the salad was now bringing it out to students, waiting for them to raise their hands if they wanted some. The first one to raise a hand was little Anita, a girl from year 2. The woman came to her as fast as she could and after pouring some salad, both her and Anita noticed something wrong.

"Ahhh!!!" Anita screamed in a way only a little girl can. 

Upon looking inside the bowl, the woman screamed and dropped it, pouring the dead ants all over the cafeteria floor, which lead to dozens of scared little girls jumping on top of the table to stay away from those "things" - as they called them. 

I watched every single teacher dash out of the lounge and into the cafeteria, all except Mr Pillsbury – everything was going according to plan.

I ran to the door with transparent tape, the small type that kids use for school, and tasted across the bottom of the door as an improvised trip wire. Then I ran back to my position and waited.

"This is what happened to everyone…" Mr Pillsbury stepped right into my trap. In fact he tripped so hard, he didn't even cover his face from hitting the ground so when he raised his head, his nose was bleeding. I swear I tried, I tried, not to giggle, but I just couldn't help it. I did and he heard me.

"Who's that?"

I stayed quiet until I heard his heavy steps approaching, then I sprinted towards the front door, hoping I could run out before he reached me. When I got to the door, I found it locked. 

"You're so naive, Mr Dent, to think we leave the door open after students come in. We close it in case impertinent students like yourself decide to leave without permission."

He grabbed the collar of my shirt and dragged me to the teacher's lounge, where he pushed me on the sofa and waited until the other teachers came back. 

"We have our culprit." He smirked when they came back.

My dad had to come, and after a long and intense scolding by the principal, he declared that I was expelled. My dad maintained a straight face all the way through, in fact it didn't say a word during the ride home.

When we got home, he opened the front door (which he had never done), went in before me, held the door open and waited for me to come in. Once I did, he closed the door, locked it with key and yelled.

'YOU FOOL!!!'

I wasn't sure whether I'd be alive by the end of that beat down, but there had never been a happier day in my life. Something about doing whatever we want makes us more human. Sadly, that ALWAYS comes with negative consequences. Freedom is a blessing and curse.