Opposite Side of The Same Coin

It always irked me that we had such drastic opposing opinions - as close as we were there wasn't much we could agree upon. I liked my hair short, and she liked hers long. If I wore a tracksuit, she'd definitely wear a dress. Though we always found some sort of a compromise and that's how we've managed to live in our little chaotic bubble that we call a friendship. The one thing we do agree on is that we love each other, no matter what.

On the first day of the year I sat beside her, Anna, staring into the mirror. She had such smooth long legs, mine looked like ever-growing tree trunks.

"Shut up Jen, they do not. I wish I had legs like yours," said Anna, I could tell she was only trying to comfort me but it felt nice.

We used to do this often, sit in front of the mirror and just contemplate things. That day was different though, we stared at ourselves for so long that despite an exchange of any actual words, we came to an understanding that if we weren't happy with something then we should change it.

"Maybe we can hit the gym tomorrow?" I said hoping she'd object but of course she was more willing than me. She said she always went anyway to which I nodded and changed the subject, considering she spends all her time with me it was hard to believe. The goal was to get fitter, to feel comfortable in the way we look. It felt daunting, but looking at Anna it felt achievable. To some degree it almost felt like she had already achieved it, and she was merely my coach, not that I minded much, it was nice to have some support.

We would wake up every morning at eight and go for a run, every other day in the evening we'd try our best to go to the gym, sometimes by sheer force of will. I remember us even changing up our diet quite drastically, from eating fast food on a daily basis to eating salads and home cooked meals, I even picked up a few new cooking techniques.

Though by the time May came around the corner things started to take a turn for the worse, like a never ending tide that was beelining straight for us. Anna decided that she would go down a different route with her workout regime, we argued back and forth for almost a week. There had been a morning after our run that we went to grab a coffee and a couple of guys walking past our table exchanged a glance with me followed by a catcall.

"At least one of us is getting catcalled," she muttered, her face a stagnant frown.

It felt good, that for once I was actually the subject of someone else's attraction but for Anna it meant something else. That she was no longer the depiction of beauty, a standard I and others had once held her to. She stood in front of my mirror, eyeing up her waistline back and forth over and over.

"Anna you look fine, seriously. You shouldn't worry!"

She shot a scowl my way and continued, staring into her dysmorphic void. The next month was hard. I sat beside her as she threw up meal after meal, holding her hair back as well as consoling her from her cold tears. As a form of a deterrent from throwing up, she began skipping meals too. For a while she even started to feel better, she would stare into the mirror in my room and bask in how good she looked, even though at times she was paler than I would have liked and considerably weaker. There were moments when she couldn't even bear to be around herself. We ended up going to a birthday meal for our mutual friend, during the dinner our friends kept approaching me to compliment my weight loss and obvious cosmetic enhancements. I could feel Anna's leg bouncing up and down beside mine, by the time the food came out she sat without an appetite. After a couple of bites, she darted off to the bathroom, me not close behind. There was nothing to get rid off but she dry heaved into the toilet until she could barely catch her breath anymore, her eyes almost bulging out of her head.

I spent many nights on the verge of tears, what good was looking as good as I did now if the person I wanted to share with it most felt the complete opposite, almost like we were bound to remain opposite sides of the same coin.

During the month of August my mother rocked me awake with a hopelessness that filled the room from the moment I woke up, we drove to the hospital without a moment of hesitation. I remember sitting at the side of the bed, stroking Anna's hand as she laid unconscious with a bunch of tubes attached to her. I began thinking back to when we made the decision to feel comfortable in our own skin, was this my fault? Had I pushed her to the edge she's currently standing on?

Whilst I was spending my days shedding as much weight as I could and my body finally swaying in my favour, Anna saw something daunting in herself nobody else could see and took methods I didn't realise were as severe as they quite blatantly were now.

A week later I slept alongside her, having eerie soul sucking dreams. I stood on a podium surrounded by people with conflicting opinions they had no qualms sharing. Between obscenities being hurled at me, there were also bits of food splattering in my direction. I kept looking for a way off the podium that had me vibrating with uncontrollable anxiety. Till a hand reached out to me from the crowd, it was Anna. She no longer looked as weak as she did in that bed, her figure to her entire demeanour seemed like it was coming from a source of pure self love. I stuck my hand out and she dragged me straight into the crowd that fell silent in an instance, and then I woke up.

My eyes felt like they were sealed shut when I woke up in the hospital bed, I surveyed the room till I caught my mother and the doctor talking, "She needs emotional reinforcement from you and anybody else in her life that can provide it - otherwise she's running a two leg race with only one."

My mother snapped around and noticed me awake, she wiped the tears from her eyes and grabbed my hand, kissing it over and over, "Anna, you're beautiful. So beautiful." Her sentence rang in my ear like an angel on my shoulder, singing over the devil sat on the other.

"Anna can you hear me?" she said between sobs. "You don't need to do this anymore, you look perfect just the way you are... Anna?"

In that moment I felt loved, I felt like even for just a second everything was going to be okay.