Blanket of Snow

(TW: passive suicidal ideation)

Lucy sat on the windowsill, staring out at the late March snowfall. Wintery weather at this time of year was not at all unheard of in Cooke City, Montana. Especially up in the mountains. Lucy absentmindedly wondered if the lake a few yards away from her parent’s vacation house was still completely frozen over.  

No, the date that the calendar happened to show had nothing to do with the way Lucy felt captivated by what she was seeing. The snow was silently falling, delicate as the breath of a newborn who’d just fallen asleep. But it was also heavy, as if it may slowly suffocate you if you fell for its innocent presentation long enough. There was a morbidity in the way that the idea of snow being a siren luring Lucy to the grave hypnotized her. 

It wasn’t exactly that she wanted to be gone. It’s just that there was someone else she felt deserved to be here infinitely more than she did. 

It was 5 AM. Five hours since Lucy had attempted to fall into the relief that sleep gave her. Now, there she sat, curled up in her windowsill, dragging her knuckle absentmindedly back and forth across her window. Something about staring out at this snowfall helped Lucy’s agonizing thoughts slow down better than any human had managed to since her brain started to betray her. That certainly wasn’t because of any lack of trying on the part of her family. Her dad had proven that he was willing to rip the earth apart in order to find a therapist who knew how to help her properly. Her mom sent her texts throughout the day whenever she was at school, in what Lucy assumed to be a desperate attempt to make sure she smiled at least once a day. Her two older brothers stopped making OCD jokes and started calling out those who did—which was sweet—but also embarrassing. Even her eight-year-old sister seemed to notice something was off and went out of her way to hug Lucy more often. 

The way her family reacted to the mess in Lucy’s mind made her feel loved—so loved. But see, that was the problem. She did not believe that she deserved the fierce love that was being poured out on her on a daily basis. She believed she was a monster. Even after the therapist started explaining to her why that was a lie. 

“OCD,” she said. “Your mind is torturing you, not trying to hurt anyone else. 

So, no one would lock her away. They watched as she begged them to, the terror of who she thought she was exploding out of her until her throat was raw. But instead of locking her up, their own eyes welled with sympathetic tears. They clung tightly to her while she shook and sobbed. Her brain screamed that if she didn’t get out of their loving embrace, the secret demon that lived inside of her would come barreling out and she would end up the killing her comforter with her bare hands.  

By the time she got her diagnosis, her brain had been screaming at her for five years. Convincing her with every waking moment that she needed to be locked away for the safety of everyone she loved so dearly. Every time she tried to recall the explanations of her therapist. The kind face appeared murky, and the memory of her voice seemed like an invention of the part of her brain that still believed she deserved peace. 

“They’re called intrusive thoughts. Everyone gets them from time to time it’s just that you assign more meaning to them.... worried... exposure therapy...” 

If they won’t lock you up, you’re going to have to kill yourself. 

“... Other people have gone through this too... terrible thing... to be afraid of yourself is... Recovery... time...” 

You really want to take a chance? What if they’re wrong? 

“These thoughts are contrary to your values--” 

You’re a monster. 

“--that’s why they’re so upsetting--” 

You shouldn’t be here. 

“You deserve peace.” 

You don’t deserve anything. Kolbe should be here. 

It’s that last thought that washes over Lucy as her brain shifts back to the present and her eyes once again focus on the snow coming down in the dark hours of the night, during which it felt as if nothing really existed. She always thought about Kolbe when she saw snow. The thought that he wasn’t here and that he should be was a pain that made more sense than the never-ending circle that was her fear of herself. Thinking about him and who he might have been gave her peace. Or at least, something akin to it. 

It’s a lonely grief, one you have for someone you never met. Someone who hardly ever was. Lucy had not yet lost anyone who she was extremely close to in life, but she imagined that grief to be much sharper. The grief that she used as a twisted escape from her own torment was dull but heavy. It formed in the pit of her stomach every time she let it, and sometimes when it wasn’t welcomed, and it wouldn’t go away until it wasn’t enough to keep the war in her head at bay for any longer.    

Lucy threw her legs off of the windowsill and made a sudden dash towards the stairs that would lead her up to the front door. She tore her winter coat down from the hook it resided on and put it on. Then she shoved her feet into her brown, beat up snow boots. Then she abruptly slowed herself down, straightening back up carefully and deliberately as if about to face someone she had gone out of her way to avoid for years. She took in a rattling breath and opened the front door; the creak of the old hinges sounding ten times louder than usual because of the fact that her entire family lay in blissful sleep.  

Or, so she assumed. 

Lucy gingerly stepped into the silent but strong snowfall, closing the door behind her and instantly feeling as if she had been transported into a world where only peace and beauty existed. The mountains loomed on every side of her. She continued to walk, with no real sense of where she wanted to go. She tilted her head upwards and held her bare hands out to receive each unique snowflake as if they might seep into her bones and cleanse her of all the pain she’d known. She closed her eyes and imagined Kolbe was standing where she was. 

She’d always imagined he’d be tall. He’d have inherited Dad’s bright red hair and sunny disposition. He’d have mom’s hazel eyes and organization skills.  

See, it was confusing. Being what they call a “rainbow baby.” That is, being the baby that was born after your mom’s previous pregnancy ended in a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Kolbe had been stillborn. 

Then came Lucy.  

“Light.” 

The “miracle” baby that gave hope to her parents after such a devastating loss. But it left her feeling like she was a human that was never really supposed to have happened. 

Miracle? her thoughts hissed. How awful for them. The human embodiment of their hope turned out to be a disgusting monster... 

The supply of ugly insults her own consciousness was ready to strike her with was as vast as the ocean. So instead of giving them space, she tried to manifest a world where Kolbe was here instead of her. A world where her grieving mother would have no need for a “miracle” baby—because the first being she’d housed in her body survived long enough to be held in her arms.  

Long enough to take his first steps. 

Long enough to discover his passions. 

Long enough to find himself stepping out into the snow alone, at 5 AM, on his parents’ land in Montana, just so he could breathe in deeply and marvel at the beauty that there can be in being alive. 

He deserved to be alive.  

I don’t deserve to be here. He deserves to be here. 

Lucy opened her eyes again and took in a shaky breath that then traveled throughout her body and caused her to shiver violently as if it were the last thing keeping her alive. Her hands were bright red and slowly becoming stiff, but she hardly realized it. The cold wasn’t biting her. No. It felt more like it was kissing her—the kiss of a partner whom your mind knows is bad for you, but your heart hasn’t allowed itself to realize it.  

Lucy’s gaze fell to the earth around her. The snow was piling up, covering everything on the ground in a blanket. 

Blanket. 

A “blanket” of snow. 

Lucy always found that metaphor incredibly ironic. She understood it, sure. Looking at the deep snow was intoxicating. It looked inviting. It looked... warm. Safe. Every time she saw a snowfall deep enough, she wanted to throw herself into it. Hide for a moment. Find comfort and believe herself, for once, to be a part of something beautiful. But she had certainly been around long enough to know that if she did jump into a snow drift, she would abruptly find herself coated with an icy chill. She’d still be longing for the warmth that she was briefly hypnotized into believing she could find in the ever-admired blanket of snow.  

Lucy was running this scenario through her mind, even as she slowly found herself sitting down on the ground and then lying down, immersing herself in the very blanket she was acknowledging would surely betray her. The cold hit her neck the fastest as snow fell into her hood. Her hands were already too cold to notice much of a difference. Another violent shiver ran up her spine. She allowed the cold to seep through her pants and even start to work its way through her winter coat. She loved staring up into the cloudy sky; watching the flakes gently fall upon her face. 

She wondered if Kolbe would have been as intoxicated with snow as she had always been. 

He should be here. 

She wondered if he would have grown to love the mountains. 

I don’t deserve to be here. 

She wondered if he would have liked pumpkin pie as much as mom did. 

He should be here. 

She wanted to know who he would have been. 

He should be here. Not me. He should be here. Not me. 

He should be here. 

He should be here.  

Not her. 

An unusually bright star stuck its face out from behind one of the dark clouds and at the very same time a thought crashed into her. It was so foreign and hit with such a ferocity, that she sat up straight, wondering for a moment if it had been said out loud: 

Yeah. He should be here. But he’s not. And you are. 

Lucy leaned back on her hands, breathing heavily and slowly scanning the area. Accepting that the thought came from herself and not another person, she shook her head rapidly and felt her stomach begin to turn. It wasn’t with dread though. It was... confusion. She was overwhelmed.  

Her mind was offering her kindness. Hesitantly, but it was doing so, nonetheless. 

I’m here. I’m here and I’m loved, even if I don’t understand why. Even if I believe I don’t deserve it. I am relentlessly loved... 

Yes, if Kolbe was here, chances are Lucy wouldn’t be. And she was confused and hurting deeply. She was petrified of the one thing she couldn’t escape—herself. But she was also loved. And she was here. In the snowy mountains of mountain. A tiny speck in a rather breathtaking world. She found herself believing that she deserved to let herself discover why. Maybe one day, she could add herself to the list of people who loved her. 

Kolbe never got a chance to become who he was meant to. That was, and forever would be, a piercing, numbing reality. Lucy was allowed a chance to write her story, despite everything. A chance with a family who loved her beyond her comprehension. 

Perhaps there was nothing deceptive about the snow being both cold and beautiful. Life was a little like that. 

Lucy was crying before she realized it. She gathered snow into her fists and threw it into the sky, laughing as it came crashing back down. It was as if a damn had broken and everything that her family and her therapist had been trying to express to her came flooding out at once. In the darkest corner of her mind lingered the thoughts that told her she was worthy of nothing but hell, and the cynic inside of her begged her not to get used to the feeling of joy too quickly.  

But those voices were the smallest they had been in what felt like eternity. Despite her own best judgement, Lucy kept laughing. She threw herself up to her feet and started to skip. She briefly wondered if this is what it felt like to be high. She wanted to sing at the top of-- 

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!!” the shrill voice pulled Lucy out of her ecstasy so quickly she almost face planted right back into the snow. Her voice caught in her throat for a moment as her mind attempted to process what she was hearing. 

“Piper...?” she croaked, still hoping that she had somehow hallucinated the sound of her little sister’s screams. But the sound came again, as if she were being tortured. “MAAAAAAMAAAAAA-A-A!!!” 

“Piper... Piper? PIPER!!!” Lucy started sprinting towards the voice, screaming her own voice hoarse as she did. It didn’t take long for her to find herself at the edge of the lake, her sister standing, petrified, 15 feet away from solid ground. She was wearing nothing but her nightdress.  

Lucy scanned the lake quickly. It seemed to be mostly frozen but there were certainly patches farther out that would break under a minimal amount of weight. She took a closer look at the ice between where she stood and where her sister did. A long breath of relief escaped her lungs and gathered in a cloud around her mouth when she failed to spot any cracks. 

“Piper!” Lucy called, attempting to keep the strain in her voice unnoticeable. 

Pipers big eyes shot up to meet Lucy’s. “LU!” she cried. “LU HELP!” 

There were a million questions slamming around Lucy’s brain at that moment. The top two being, “How?” and “Why???” But there was no use in slamming Piper with questions that would likely come across as scolding to her. Lucy wracked her brain for what she knew about ice safety. 

“Sweetie, are there any cracks in the ice around you?” 

Piper looked down and scanned the area surrounding her. “N-NO!” and though this was good news, she still wailed the answer. Lucy’s heart snapped. She hadn’t even allowed her mind to consciously acknowledge how violently Piper was shivering until that moment. 

“Ok, Piper! Ok, can you walk toward me then???”  

Even from where she was standing, Lucy could see Piper’s eyes get bigger. She hugged herself and shook her head wildly, loose strands of her hair falling out of her ponytail as she did.  

“Please, Piper. You can do it. I’m right here!” Lucy begged, unable to hide her desperation any longer. The mountains began to seem more ominous than comforting. 

Piper hugged herself even tighter and started to inch herself forward on the ice. She might it about five feet before suddenly letting out another blood-curdling scream. Lucy nearly jumped out of her skin.  

“It’s ok, Piper! You're almost to me! You’re almost--” 

“NO!” 

“Baby, you’re almost--” 

“LULU NO!!!!” she pulled her arms up and buried her face in them. 

The adrenaline racing through Lucy’s body was beginning to shut down her emotions in order to put her problem-solving skills on overdrive.  

Ok. Ok, ok. There’s no sign of any cracking in the lake. At least the part we’re concerned with. 

She looked down and scanned the area between her and her sister again.  

Yeah. That seems incredibly solid, actually. She doesn’t seem to know how she got her so she’s just, naturally, terrified. Ok. Ok. 

Lucy looked down at her feet. Then she looked out at the shivering form of her sister. 

“PIPER! Piper I need you to slowly get on your stomach and spread out your arms and legs, ok?” 

Piper hesitated for a moment. She didn’t look up before obeying. 

I’m going to have to go out and get her. I just can’t be an idiot and somehow manage to get both of us drowned.  

An unfamiliar, and rather untimely, shot of joy coursed through her veins as she realized her brain was cheering for her to make it out of this safely too.  

Taking in a sharp breath that caused the cold air to stab her lungs, Lucy put one foot out in front of her and tested the ice. Oh, yeah. It was solid. Now confident in her safety, but still cautious, Lucy took one step out on the ice towards her sister. She could have sworn she felt a hand gently squeeze her shoulder. She didn’t feel as heavy as before.