The Things I Never Told You

ELAINE’S JOURNAL - ENTRY #1

(Please give this to Griffin after I pass. Thank you, Miss Broch.) 

1/27/2009 

Dear Griffin, 

There are a few things I’ve always wanted to tell you, but I’ve never had the courage to. So, I’m telling you now. At least you can’t embarrass me when I’m dead. 

    The first thing was a memory. Remember the day I came to the hospital to be diagnosed? I bumped into you, and I was so full of nerves that I slapped you on the face. It probably didn’t hurt, but I guess I’m sorry. 

    They found out I had lung cancer, and they immediately started treating me. I stayed in the hospital so they could watch over me. Gone was my teenage years, with makeup and dressing up and going to school. Instead, it was chemotherapy and constantly sitting on a bed. Of course, I never actually got involved in my treatments and whatnot. All I needed to know was that I was dying. 

    And it’s not like I enjoyed dying. No, I very much disliked it. I always felt so weak and out of energy, and at times it was difficult to breathe. Like that moment I saw you in the hospital again, two weeks after I slapped you. It wasn’t just that you were handsome, no, you definitely were. I was just embarrassed. 

    But of course, as luck has it, you were in the room right next to me. 

GRIFFIN’S JOURNAL ENTRY 1 

(Please give this to Elaine when I die. Love you, Miss B!) 

1/29/2009 

Elaine, 

I need to tell you a few things. Here’s the first one. 

I remember the day I first saw you. Walking through the hall, looking absolutely beautiful, and perfect, and terrorized. Of course, you were probably getting diagnosed, so it makes sense that you were scared out of your mind. (I was probably more scared than that at my diagnosis, so take it from the expert.) And, looking at your face, I forgot to move out from the middle of the hallway. So, you crashed into me, and your nerves got to you, and before I knew it you had slapped me. And, quite frankly, it hurt. And you didn’t even apologize! 

    My lust cleared quickly to make way for serious irritation, but you were already gone. 

    But then, I saw you again a few weeks later in the hospital. In fact, you were in the room right next to me. I walked over and told you that bad things happened to bad people. It might have been rude, sure, but you can understand my annoyance, can’t you? 

ELAINE’S JOURNAL ENTRY #2 

(Please give this to Griffin after I pass. Thank you, Miss Broch.) 

2/02/2009 

Dear Griffin, 

    I was seriously horrified that you had said that to me. So, from then on, I swore to make your life miserable. I don’t know why. Maybe I knew I had limited days and I needed to do something that would leave a mark. Maybe I was just bored of hospital life. 

    Whatever the reason, after that day, we started an all-out war. From morning to night, it was snarky retorts, whoopee cushions everywhere, and ruining the other’s clothes. Poor Miss Broch, she had such messes on her hands. She even had to lock us in our separate rooms sometimes! 

    But, no matter how cross we were with each other, we were always there before we went to bed at each other’s doors. Standing in the middle of the hallway, we always said goodnight to each other. And maybe it was the feeling that someone actually cared. But one night, you didn’t say goodnight. Instead, you said, ‘I love you.’ 

    I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to answer. I wanted to say it back. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t love someone in my condition. And then just leave you… it wasn’t possible. That would be even crueler than me ignoring you. And that was the second thing I wanted to tell you. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you at first. 

    And that’s what I did. I promptly ignored you after a second, and went into my room. I felt so bad, so I am saying sorry now. Please know I didn’t mean to hurt you at the time. 

GRIFFIN’S JOURNAL ENTRY 2 

(Please give this to Elaine when I die. I hope no one has taken my spot just yet, Miss B!) 

2/06/2009 

Elaine, 

I was upset that you never said it back. You never said ‘I love you’ back. But I didn’t give up. Remember how many times I asked you to be my girlfriend? Thinking back, I can see how you were a bit annoyed. 

    All the while, our conditions weakened. And soon, your resistance did too. Because that night, I asked once more, when we were just standing in the hallway. And before I could turn away, you grabbed my hand and turned me around, and then kissed me on the lips lightly. 

    And all the days after that… well, sometimes we hated each other, and you pretended the kiss never happened. But sometimes, you would come sit with me and let me get attached to you. 

    I knew why you were saying no before. But you needed someone, I could tell. You had no one, and neither did I. But we had each other. I just wanted to remind you of that.

ELAINE’S JOURNAL ENTRY #3 

(Please give this to Griffin after I pass. Thank you, Miss Broch.) 

2/08/2009 

Dear Griffin, 

We were perfectly fine until one night. You yelled at me, and I yelled at you, and things were said. I don’t really remember, but I do know I locked you out of my room the whole night. When I woke up and checked the hallway, you were still there, slumped and tired against the wall. But you were waiting. 

And a few weeks later. I could feel something shift in my world. Something looming on me like a shadow, refusing to go away. And I knew that it was my last day. 

And so, for the first time that night, I let you come in. I let you lie down next to me. I let you whisper in my ear, saying, ‘I love you.’ Over and over and over again. 

And right before you slipped out, you said, ‘I’ll see you soon, El.’ And then you were gone. 

I’m sorry I never got to see you again. That was the last thing I never got to tell you.

GRIFFIN’S JOURNAL ENTRY 3 

(Please give this to Elaine when I die. I’m officially saying bye, Miss B!) 

2/11/2009 

Elaine, 

I never saw you alive after that night. I got your letters, but you never got mine. But it’s okay, because I know you know everything I never got to say. 

So… what I really want to say is this: I love you. I loved you that day I saw you rushing down the hallway. I loved you that day you locked me out of your room all night, and then apologized rushedly first thing in the morning. I loved you that day when you smiled like a little kid, when you pulled me back and kissed me. 

Love is strange. It’s complicated. It springs up into the light at the darkest of times. It’s light and feathery. It’s heavy and so thick you could drown. It’s beautiful. It’s powerful. It’s a flash of sea-green eyes in the dark, a sliver of words in your ear at night, a light-hot press of skin on skin. 

Love is nothing. It’s everything.

It’s what we had.