She Put On a Show With No Applause

She thought she was free from all rules, guidelines, and expectations. Nobody knew who she was in this college town, which meant she could make a new identity for herself. This girl had gone her whole life not fully understanding who she was, which honestly was nothing special… because who does? She had always felt awkward and out of touch with what typical teenagers were "supposed" to do, but she knew that going into college would be the perfect opportunity to change that. Her friends and family back in her home state thought they knew her, and she felt pre-guilty for what was to come.

Despite how many people knew of her in high school, nobody invited her to a party. The circle she surrounded herself with didn't search for the immediate thrill of taking hits or sips and, don't get me wrong, she liked not partaking in that. However, she was also curious what was attractive about those sorts of activities. Analyzing song lyrics with friends in her car during lunch or buying ice cream at the grocery store across the street from the school after marching at their football game were what she found most socially rewarding and enjoyable. At the time, she didn't feel the need to experience something like staying out until the sun rose or the nervous yet excited feel of taking her first sip of alcohol.

Now, before we dive deeper into this short story, I’d like to state as the narrator that I am choosing to leave out this girl’s appearance as I view it irrelevant. Here is a character who has been shaped by experience, and therefore, this piece will focus on what this girl realized as she stumbled through figuring out what independence is as a forthcoming adult. I leave it to you, the reader, to maybe see yourself in her experience or however you would like to take this character. The superficial details of how attractive or unattractive, athletic or a couch potato, smart or dumb this character is doesn’t play a role in the internal struggle of the balance between freedom and independence faced in college. At the moment this story is seeming fairly cliché with the sheltered girl and all entering college, but it's a surprisingly more common story than one might think.

In middle school and high school, she grew up under a tight schedule. Throughout her whole life she went from school, to rehearsals, to work, and would finish the day with homework until midnight. There was an unspoken rule that boiled down to if she hung out with friends one weekend, chances were she wouldn’t be able to hang out with them the next weekend. There was no need for a curfew as it was expected she didn't have somewhere to be that would require her to be out that late. It wasn’t like she wanted to be anywhere anyhow, there weren’t many people near her after she moved high schools that she wanted to hang out with. 

Studying for AP classes, rehearsing with her peers for marching band and her school's seasonal shows, and running for the position of an ASB officer were her social time - not being busy felt unnatural. She depended on her never resting schedule to keep her in check, and keep her busy from her equally restless thoughts. She depended on the validation of her peers and family to remind her that she was on the right path, to reassure her that she was a good child with a promising future. However, all that changed after beginning her journey in college.  

“You're too loud, be quiet.” “People who party and are out late have nothing much going for them. You don’t want to be like that.” “You’re so mature for your age.” “You’re not ready for the real world.” “You’re too sheltered, I don’t know how you’ll make it in college.” "Are you sure you can handle being away from home?" "Don't forget who you are when you go off to college!"

All these things she was told in high school reinstilled the “good” reputation she wanted to uphold at that time. For the most part she was a rule follower and saw herself above the noise of a typical high school teenager – she never partied, drank, smoked, or even had sex. While her parents had reasonable expectations of her, she had higher expectations for herself.

It didn’t hit that she had the ability to free herself of all expectations, including her own, until she was sitting in the back seat of her new friend’s beat up Camry, watching the blurry streetlights streaking the college town. She smiled stupidly, looking out to the depths of the dark, starless, Southern California sky. She felt that she had spent so much of her life ruled by what comes next, but for the first time ever, there was nothing concrete to look forward to. She didn't have a major, nor did she have any future plans. The world was filled with endless, theoretical potential, including the night she was experiencing. She didn’t know what to do with this feeling, this sudden release of stress that people were watching and judging her every move. Nobody cared. She didn’t need to ask permission for anything at all.

She could be loud, or quiet. She could run 5 miles or sit in bed on her phone. Heck! (or hell! I should say), she could talk to every person on campus and completely redefine herself as she pleased. 

This newly “independent” child went wild. To fill the empty space in her calendar she joined 3 clubs, the ultimate frisbee team, and volunteered on Fridays before going out to party with her friends. She even auditioned for the university's comedy club because why not? Who's to stop her? At parties she talked to everyone around her, drank until the events of the night faded, and woke up in her dorm jolted by anxiety to clean and do homework in an attempt to dismiss the deep-rooted feeling of self-disappointment based on the night before.

To blanket how disconnected she soon felt from herself and her actions, she continuously made plans as a distraction and greeted just about anyone with a smile to establish a false sense of security and belonging. In the midst of defying the reputation and schedule she was once dependent on, she came full circle and reestablished the same, if not more, busy schedule topped with shallow behavior and fake popularity.

As she fought for her life not to be forgotten, she forgot who she was – and that hurt most of all. Her grades were slipping, as was the trust and respect her parents once had for her. The independence of a college student she felt needing to prove herself worthy of turned out not to be what she had expected. She realized that the whole spiel of "popularity" didn't exist in college, and it was ridiculous of her to believe that it mattered in the first place. She put on an elaborate show to stamp her foot down and declare that she could handle this independence, but nobody, not even herself, applauded this performance.