A Forced Reflection

A Forced Reflection

“And don’t forget this little ‘holiday’ is for a reason Abby. You need to think about things – your behaviour, attitude to others, especially your mother and me, and just your overall behaviour. You know we love you and this will be for the best”. Abby’s dad started to walk towards her to give her a hug before leaving but before he reached her, he got told….

“Don’t think you can hug me when you’re leaving me in this Godforsaken place, and all on my own. What if something happens to me? It will be your fault. I don’t know how you can do this to your own daughter? Mum didn’t want me to come here, I know she didn’t” Abby’s voice was slightly hysterical by now and her acting lessons had paid off as she grabbed a tissue and wiped away big glistening tears.

“Your mother and I are in complete agreement about this young lady. Goodness knows you’ve had enough warnings and chances. This will do you good, so stop crying and start acting like a grownup” he said angrily to her.

“Shut the door on the way out” she yelled.

He turned to say something else but thought twice about it, said “I love you” and left.

“No you don’t” Abby yelled after him. She heard his car drive off so opened the door to watch the tail of it snake around the corner. Looking around outside gave her an empty feeling. “I’m all alone here and I hate my parents” she shouted to no one. It was really cold outside – the forecast was light snow, so she came inside and closed the big wooden door.

A small woolly dog wandered in from one of the other rooms – happy to come out now that the yelling had stopped and the place seemed peaceful enough for a lie down on the huge soft couch. Tufty had been to this cabin many times and remembered how comfy it was to stretch out on the dark green cushions, the velvet material keeping him warm. “Hello Tufty my beautiful. You’re my only friend here – it’s just you and me. It’s a wonder that they let me bring you for company” she said in a much more composed voice as she sat down next to her dog and ran her long fingers through his soft coat.

It was a comfortable cabin – clean and with comfy old furniture. But there was no electricity. Whenever the family came here for a weekend or holiday the only light they used were torches or candles. In the corner of the kitchen bench sat a small gas stove. This was the only means of cooking – and with only two gas burners to use, it could take quite a while to cook anything. When they were younger, Abby and her sister would look forward to the fire that her dad built outside in the half tin barrel. They would put on coats and scarves to keep warm, and would go off to find sticks to put their marshmallows on, poking them into the bright fire, and pulling them out when they were lightly toasted, and soft and gooey in the middle. They could eat a huge pack of marshmallows between the four of them.

Abby’s dad and mum opted not to have the electricity connected, preferring to live as close to nature as possible when away from the big city where they lived.

“I can’t watch television, I wasn’t allowed to bring my phone and I can’t just heat up a pizza in the oven when I feel like it” Abby told Tufty, but he wasn’t listening, instead little snoring noises were coming from his mouth probably from dreaming of chasing and cornering a monstrous tabby cat. “But they must think I’m stupid or something – I have a mobile phone with a sim card in it, tucked away inside my bag. I couldn’t live without a phone for a week”. Abby unzipped the inside section of her holdall bag and started rummaging around for the hidden phone. “It has to be here” she murmured as her calm checking of pockets turned into a frenzied digging around in every section of the bag. “What’s this?” she yelled ripping open a plastic bag. Inside was a book and on the front a note had been attached. She snatched the note and unfolding it, read….AS IF WE WOULDN’T CHECK YOUR BAG…DO YOU THINK WE ARE STUPID? IF YOU’RE AT A LOSS FOR SOMETHING TO DO – WE RECOMMEND THIS BOOK…in bold capital letters.

The book got thrown against the wall as a loud angry yell came out of Abby’s open mouth. Tufty woke suddenly from his snooze and immediately hopped down off the couch. ‘I can’t stand that yelling’ he thought to himself as he sleepily climbed up onto the bed in the next room.

She didn’t know what to do with all of this time on her hands, and silence, broken only by the occasional bird chirping outside. She felt isolated and cut off from all human contact, as Abby slumped in the wide armed chair and looked around. There was no heating - so unless she gathered some small sticks and some firewood soon before it got too dark, she wouldn’t be able to see anything outside, and there would be no fire lit. One of the things about being in the country was that when night time fell, it was as if a black blanket had been thrown over everything, but with tiny holes cut for the hundreds of bright stars to shine through. She remembered sitting outside in the freezing cold with her sister, a blanket huddled around them, just looking up at the sky to the bright twinkling stars, and trying to find the star they had picked to remember their Grandma by. It always seemed so much bigger and brighter than the rest.

The wood basked was filled – skinny sticks and newspaper to start the fire with, and the bigger, thicker pieces of wood for when it got going. The temperature had dropped a lot since she arrived, so it certainly wasn’t too early to try and light the fire. It only took a couple of attempts before the dry sticks and tightly twisted pages of the newspaper were alight. Tiny orange flames reached up trying to touch the brick chimney, sending crackling sounds and tiny puffs of smoke out into the room. Abby stood and watched for a few minutes until a couple of the larger pieces of wood were alight too and then put the metal fireguard around the fireplace. “I’m not as useless as they think” she said aloud before going off to find some candles before it was too dark to see anything.

She found them in the cupboard under the stairs, along with a load of hobby craft stuff they used to enjoy doing years ago. Abby took out the knitting needles and balls of different coloured wool, decided she might ‘give it a go’ and shut the old cupboard door. Tufty had followed Abby on her mission for find candles. He had his head cocked to one side and a quizzical look on his face as if asking her what she was going to do with the needles and wool. “Well I have to do something while I’m here don’t I?” she asked him?

“Ok Tufty – fire lit, candles flickering, so it’s time for dinner”. Abby hadn’t really thought too far ahead about what she would eat while here on her own. She had been too angry to think straight when her parents had told her what their plan was for her. She remembers opening the pantry door and throwing cans and packets into a cardboard box, not caring at all about food at that stage. But now she cared and it was a bit late as she rifled through the box to see what there was. “Well it looks like two minute noodles, rice and canned tuna might be on the menu…every day! Her Mum had put a large bag into the boot of the car just before Abby’s dad drove off with her in the passenger’s seat. “Good old Mum eh Tufty?” She pulled out some apples, oranges; cartons of ‘long life’ milk, teabags and much to her delight some chips and biscuits. “I won’t need much more than this” she said to herself.

The wind had picked up outside and whistled through the side of the window. Branches of a tree tickled the pane of glass very softly. The fire was well and truly alight and gave off good warmth, the glow silhouetting the tall skinny lamp stand against the wall, looking like a thin person wearing a very large hat. Abby had never been a timid child and nothing much scared her so the noises and shadows didn’t frighten her at all. At one stage the back door started rattling loudly as if someone was trying to get in but it was only Tufty who started shaking and looking around, before quickly jumping up beside Abby for protection. “It’s only the wind you big baby” she laughed at him.

She thought about her friends and what they would be doing tonight. “We would be at the pub now Tufty, drinking, laughing, having fun……but you know what? I actually don’t mind being here. Sometimes it’s a good thing to break a habit and do something totally different. And I had been thinking lately about some of the guys I hang around with – a bit predictable and boring. Some time away might benefit us all – but I’ll never admit that to Mum and Dad. Or tell my friends that I’m talking to my dog now like he’s human!”

The next day after a ‘sleep in’ Abby decided that there was no point in wasting time sitting around when she and her dog could be out exploring the woods. There was the hint of what had been a snowy winter. Along the paths, the snow was no longer white and fluffy but dirty and brown where the melt had begun, and had mixed with the earth and stones. It was still very chilly and the wind was sharp but walking warmed her up as she strode quickly, stick in hand, pushing prickly bushes aside.

“Do you remember walking here when I was a young girl Tufty?” she asked her only companion. “Well you didn’t walk beside anyone then, you just ran and ran, and brought back all sorts of things including a shoe, sticks and once a huge rag doll that you ripped apart as your head shook from side to side in excitement”.

When they got back to the cabin Abby picked up the book that she had bad temperedly thrown the day before and read the back cover. “Looks alright I guess, and what else am I supposed to do?” she asked herself, settling down into the softness of some cushions to read.

It was one of those books that was difficult to put down once you had started reading it, like an addiction, until the last word had been read, and then you felt as if you would never ever find a book that good again!  Abby had often had that “I don’t want this book to end” feeling about the many books she would read in bed each night using a torch to keep reading long after she was supposed to be asleep. She actually loved to read, but other things had taken priority in her life and she really had forgotten how relaxing and enjoyable reading was.

The next day it was raining. Not just a sprinkle but a loud, dark and mesmerising thunderstorm. Flashes of light pulsated through the dark sky, lighting it up for a few seconds before disappearing behind clouds. The booms of the thunder were so loud that the cabin seemed to shake each time it clapped. Abby manoeuvred the couch so that it faced the window and here she sat, the heavy rain banging on the glass. Tufty sat safely behind her, watching her knitting , the different techniques coming back to her as if she knitted just yesterday.

Click, click went the needles, the soft yarn pulling through her fingers and forming neat stitches, the scarf gradually lengthening and falling on to Tufty, keeping him warm.

Putting the knitting down, Abby began to think about her life and the things that her dad has said to her when he left here, how he had told her that she acted like a spoilt brat and didn’t think of anyone else but herself. “The world doesn’t just revolve around you Abby” were his last words he had yelled at her after their last argument just before they left home”.

“He’s probably right in what he said Tufty. Come on boy – let’s go outside and walk in the rain. We might find some puddles to run through” she told her silent companion as she pulled him off the couch and then pulled her wellington boots on.

The rain had a soothing effect on Abby, as if it was putting out a raging fire built from all the selfishness that had been ruling her head and heart. The tiny droplets of water hitting her skin and running down her face somehow cleansed and refreshed her mind, washing away the build-up of negativity that had formed over time, and somehow making everything more transparent and clear. It felt like needles pricking her skin, hurting but at the same time revitalising her.

The rivulets formed a tiny stream slowly meandered down the side of the road, picking up speed on the downward slope of the hillside and gradually splashing into river.   

Abby towelled Tufty dry and then herself. She felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and that life would be better from now on. “Our last night here Tufty” she said while patting his still damp coat. “Have you had a great time?” she asked her faithful friend. He looked up at her and wagged his tail. “I think that means yes - and I have had a great time too. I feel that I needed this although it will be good to get back home, see my friends and get on with life. I might not tell Mum and Dad how good it’s been to start with – but hopefully they’ll see a change in me. I’ll tell you one thing my friend – I won’t be eating two minute noodles for a long time.