Forgetting Fame

10...9...8...7…

Counting down helped.  There was always such an intoxicating rush when she did this and it helped her to have this simple routine.  She was focused and ready.

6...5...4...  

She shut her eyes, but not too tight.  She didn't want to get crows feet, after all.  Her appearance was everything.  Her makeup had been applied artfully, and her outfit chosen with intent.

This would be it.  She could feel it. 

3...2...1..

She smoothed her long red hair, took a deep breath, and clicked "post".

The next few seconds were her favorite part.  Forget flowers and poetry, internet gratification was her love language.

"Come on..." she urged the phone screen.

All she wanted was for that number next to the heart to climb...and it did.

She watched intently.  Refreshing the page every 3.7 seconds.

100 likes...200 likes..now 250 people had liked her picture...

"Kayla!!" her brother called through her bedroom door.

"What?!" she yelled back, not taking her eyes off the screen.

"It's dinner time.  I made it myself.  Come and get it!"

Kayla looked back at her phone. She sighed and stuffed it into her pocket.  If it was anyone else, she would've had them wait.  This post was important.  This was the best she had looked in any photograph ever… she thought.  James was special, so she could take a little break.  He really took care of her and plus, he would roast her for skipping dinner to watch the "likes" flow in.

James and Kayla ate dinner together, like usual, at the kitchen table.  Their parents were somewhere.  Kayla wasn't sure where, but she was very adamant not to talk to them about it when they finally did get home.  She was determined not to talk to them at all, actually.  Especially not after the lecture her mom gave her the last time she came home.

Kayla couldn't remember much, but she did vividly remember hurling an insult at her mom that caused the pair to avoid eachother for the last three weeks.

"So what were you up to up there?  Posting something I see.." James grinned and wiggled his phone at her.  There she was, posing for the camera.

"Come on Kayls...you're way better than this.  All the girls your age pose like this on instagram, and you are way too good for that.  It’s so...what would you call it? Basic"

"Those girls are also super rich and can support themselves so I don't see anything wrong with that." She snapped back.

"Is that what this has been about? Kayla I know we don't live in a palace, but this place is nice.." he said soothingly

"It's not about that" Kayla interrupted. "I don't want to feel dependent.  I am going to be 17 next month and I can't stay here forever with mom and dad like a hermit"

James was silent.  He looked down.

"That's not what I meant.." She said apologetically. "You're doing great. I'm glad you're still here."

"No no... I understand.  23, still here, no degree. I've thought about it too." James said, his eyes hollow.

Kayla turned back to her pasta.

"James I could help you post on your instagram, for fun?" she smiled trying to lighten the mood. She wasn’t too hopeful, however.  His answer would be a resounding "no".

"Okay, sure." he smiled softly.

Kayla leaped from the table. "Really?!? You James Crowley, active on social media?!"

"Don’t get too excited.  It’s not that special." he shrugged.

“This is the best day ever...I will show you how to filter and caption and use those hashtags to get some extra views” the excitement was pouring out of Kayla.

He held out his hands, calming her down. “Hold on a second” he said, “I get to decide what to post.”

She was loving this "Okay that’s fine… what are you thinking?"

James paused.  He put his hand to rest under his chin.  He sat like that for a minute and Kayla felt like she was going to explode.  Slowly, a smile spread across her brother’s face.

"So..” he started, “I actually did take a video of you recently. But uh...you didn't know. I want to post that"

Kayla’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped "Whaaaaat?! You spied on me?"

He laughed. "No Kayla! The other day you were singing in your room, and it was really good so...I filmed it"

Kayla stopped. 

“Absolutely not.” She stated, her arms crossing in front of her.

"Think on it, we will decide tomorrow" he said, and picked up her plate to put in the sink.

Kayla thought about it alright.  She thought about it so hard that she didn’t sleep, and that couldn’t be good for her complexion.  She was gonna wake up with bags under her eyes.  If she had a stress pimple...oof.  She would come after her brother…

Kayla started calculating in her head.  Her brother didn’t have that many followers, he had only posted one picture, afterall.  He probably had only about 200 people following him, all of which were years older than her and only a couple that would be connected to people she could know.  

It couldn’t be that bad… she thought to herself. What is the worst that could happen? 

“Fine” Kayla said when she came downstairs that morning. “You can post it...but if it gets less than 100 likes it’s coming down.” 

“Deal” James said. “You are so talented, Kayla.  People are going to love it.  Then you will be recognized for something other than how you look.  You’re beautiful inside too, sister. Alright, I am posting it….now!”

Kayla smiled.  Usually she would watch the “likes” flow in, but she couldn’t watch this time.  She felt sick to her stomach.  This was the most vulnerable thing she had ever done.  She wouldn’t have let anyone but her brother post something like this.  He was worth it, and she loved how excited he looked replying to comments on his post.

While James was glued to his phone, Kayla went upstairs and got her guitar out.  The song he posted was an original.  Kayla was working on it since the fight she had with her mom.  It was extremely personal and pretty raw.  She hummed lightly as she strummed, feeling the music overtake her.  She worked through the verses, changing some words, perfecting the melody.  She wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but she missed her mom.  All she wanted to do was make her proud.

Suddenly, her phone started buzzing in the corner...that couldn’t be good.  It wasn’t just buzzing, it was ringing.  Was someone calling her?

“Hello?” she said, picking up the phone. The caller ID said it was Chantel, her best friend from school.

“KAYLA!!!” Chantel’s voice came through sounding excited and out of breath “I didn’t know you could sing?!”

“I don’t sing…” Kayla responded.

“GIRL.  You are blowing up” Chantel squealed 

“No” Kayla said, eyes wide.

“You’re at 3,000 likes, and someone shared your video on facebook, its circulating.” 

Kayla ran downtairs….

“Kayls...is that you?  Uh...not sure what happened, but..”

Kayla tore her brother’s phone out of her hand and went to his facebook.  There she was, singing.  “Nothing that special”, she thought. She looked down at the “likes” and “shares”.

13.4 K likes. 9.7K shares.

No way.

She picked it back up and looked again.

100 K likes. 30K shares.

She refreshed the page.

500K likes. 200K shares.

Kayla put her brother’s phone down and slowly sat on the couch.  This didn’t feel like she expected.  She thought she would be laughing and smiling and texting all of her friends.  She thought that everything would be fixed with this many likes.  Kayla was excited and in shock, but she knew what was missing.  She knew what she was craving.

“James, I think I have been missing mom.”  Kayla whispered, tears welling up in her eyes.  “The first thing I thought when I saw those numbers was that I wish mom could see this.  Do you think she is proud of me?”

“Of course she is, Kayls...she is just going through something rough right now, I know she doesn’t mean it.” James sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulder.

Kayla looked down at her phone...flipped to her contacts and scrolled to see the contact titled “Mom”.

“I think it’s time we make up.” She said through the stream of tears.  Kayla rubbed her eyes..horrible for her makeup..but she didn’t care.  She took a deep breath and clicked “Call Mom”.