Ruining Christmas Is What I Do Best

! TW ! Suggestive language ! TW !

“Oh- no, darling, get that out of your mouth.” Mom rushed over to my three-year-old sister Lily, who had a Hot Wheels car shoved into her mouth. 

“Bertha!” Dad shouted from the kitchen. “Where’s the turkey?” 

“Bob, it’s in the freezer, where it’s been for the past week.” Mom took the Hot Wheels car from Lily and walked to the kitchen. 

Lily started to wail. I sighed. This is going to be a long day. I got up from the couch and scooped her up in my arms. “C’mon Lily-Bear, let’s watch some My Little Pony.” I placed her in the playpen and turned the TV on with a quick click of a button. I pressed the Netflix icon and waited as the slow internet took its time. After a few minutes of waiting, I was told that we had to retry again later. I grumbled. “Mom! The TV isn’t working!”

“Restart the TV then, Lincoln!” I heard Mom’s aggravated voice from the kitchen then a clattering of pots and pans. 

I rolled my eyes and pressed the options button on the remote. Reboot. I sighed audibly and looked at the box at the bottom of the stairs labeled “X-Mas Decorations”. Might as well start decorating. Grandma Molly and Grandpa Jorge will be here in an hour. Grandma Molly and Grandpa Jorge were Mom’s parents, who didn’t really like me. They thought I was a spoiled, incompetent fifteen-year-old. I was the exact opposite. I was not spoiled, in fact. Yes, I had some of the latest video games and gaming consoles… Well… Maybe I was just a little bit spoiled. But I was not incompetent. At least, that’s what my parents said.

“Oh, Bob! That’s not how you do it.” Mom groaned.

“Well Bertha, if you’re so smart, you do it then,” Dad grumbled, storming out of the kitchen. As he passed me to go upstairs I heard him mutter. “This is a disaster.” 

I agreed. Usually, we had Christmas all figured out. This year, we didn’t even have the tree decorated, nor did we have the turkey cooked. Nothing was getting done. 

Lily babbled loudly and my attention snapped back to the TV. It had rebooted and seemed to be working correctly. I pressed the Netflix icon and waited. When it came to choosing avatars, I chose Lily’s. Lily got to have her own avatar on Netflix and I didn’t, which I found to be quite perplexing. A three-year-old has her own Netflix avatar but a fifteen-year-old boy doesn’t. I scrolled through the various TV shows she had been watching for weeks and clicked My Little Pony. I clicked continue watching and set the remote down as the irritating voices of PinkiePoo and FlutterCry, or whatever their names were, removed the silence. Lily babbled excitedly. 

I sighed in relief and walked over to the box labeled “X-mas Decorations” and opened it with little struggle. I found a line of gingerbread men attached together at the arms and feet, followed by three holly leaves, a cranberry, then two popcorn pieces. It was a strange pattern but I didn’t care. Mom probably would flip a shit if she found out this random pattern. She was very precise about her patterns. I pulled it out and set it aside. Lily screamed excitedly followed by a series of giggles. Glass Christmas houses were carefully wrapped in newspaper. I carefully pulled out thirteen of them and set them on the floor behind me. I pulled out various Christmas decorations that I couldn’t identify.

I unwrapped the Christmas houses and strewed them about the room. I had to plug some of the houses into a power strip since there weren’t enough outlets for all thirteen houses. When I was done, I took a few steps back and admired the lit-up houses in the dimly lit room. It was like an old-timey aesthetic. Mom walked into the room, looking frazzled. Her once tightly bun was now loose and amiss, and her apron was loosely tied around her waist. There were gravy and mashed potatoes all over her once-white apron. Those would be hard to get out.

“You like the room, Mom? I only put up the Christmas houses so far, but I’ll be putting the other things up soon.” I rubbed my arm. 

Mom stared at the room and delicately put her hand over her heart. “It looks lovely, Linc. Thank you for being such a big help with Lily. I appreciate it. Your dad’s been pretty frustrating lately.” She chuckled. 

My smile faded. I didn’t like it when Mom talked about Dad so rudely. He was trying his best, and so was I. 

“Grandma Molly and Grandpa Jorge should be here in fifteen minutes if they stick to what they’ve been saying for the past week now.” Mom wiped the sweat from her forehead. 

“Maybe they’ll help with decorating,” I suggested. “It would be such a big help.” 

“Maybe we wouldn’t need their help if your dad helped out.” Mom raised her voice. 

An aggravated sigh came from upstairs. Dad would be coming down soon.

Mom rolled her eyes and kissed my forehead. “Thank you, dear.” She turned and returned to the kitchen. The smells of gravy, mashed potatoes, and the slow cooking turkey filled the air. I assume Mom was making pumpkin pie too, she does every year. I took the rest of the Christmas decorations and hung them on the walls with clear scotch tape. 

When I checked my phone for the time, I realized it was only six-thirty. Only thirty minutes until Aunt Delilah and Uncle Stu would be arriving. Uncle Stu was dad’s brother. I never really liked Aunt Delilah. She was always bitchy toward me. Always telling me I should lose weight or that I should really be focusing more on academics than my electronics. 

The doorbell rang and Dad emerged from his hiding place upstairs and ran downstairs to answer the door. 

“Oh Bob, it’s so great to see you!” Grandma Molly’s voice came from outside.

“You too Molly, please, come in.” 

Grandma Molly and Grandpa Jorge entered the house. Instantly, Grandpa Jorge guffawed. “Bertha! What is that dashing smell?” 

Mom entered the room to greet them. “It’s food, dad.” She laughed at her own, totally not funny, joke. She hugged Grandpa Jorge. 

“Oh, Bertha. You’ve put on some weight.” Grandma Molly observed. 

Mom gave Grandma Molly a sarcastic smile. “Thanks, Ma.” She hugged her. 

“Now, where is that granddaughter of mine?” Grandma Molly walked into the living room where Lily and I were. “Lily-Bear!” She exclaimed excitedly. 

Lily screeched excitedly. “Grandma!” 

“Hi, baby!” She picked Lily up. “Oh, boy! You’re getting heavy. What has Mom been feeding you?” Her attention turned to me. “Lincoln.”

“Grandma.” I crossed my arms.

She sighed disappointingly. “I see you still haven’t gotten a haircut. I can barely see your eyes.” 

I blew my hair out of my face. “Satisfied?” 

She grunted and turned to Grandpa Jorge. “Look at how much she’s grown!”

I rolled my eyes and slid past them and made my way into the kitchen where Mom was. “Hey, Mom. You need help with anything?”

“Oh, no Lincoln, but thank you for offering,” Mom smiled at me. “Did you finish decorating?”

“Yeah. I just finished.” 

“You can keep an eye out for Aunt Delilah and Uncle Stu. Grandma Beatrice and Grandpa Fergus should be here soon.” 

Just as Mom finished her sentence, the doorbell rang.

“That must be them. Go, go.” Mom ushered me out of the kitchen and I hurried to the door. I opened it and four figures stood. Aunt Delilah, Uncle Stu, Grandma Beatrice, and Grandpa Fergus. 

“Merry Christmas, Lincoln!” Grandma Beatrice exclaimed. 

“Merry Christmas, grandma. Come in. It’s too cold to just be standing there.” I laughed.

Aunt Delilah pushed past me to talk to Mom, Uncle Stu sighed audibly, possibly tired of his wife’s behavior, and gave me a nod as he walked in. Grandpa Fergus smiled at me through crooked, yellow teeth. “Lincoln, my boy!” He engulfed me in a bear hug. Grandma Beatrice walked in and gave her husband a pat on the head as she did. 

I smiled. Grandpa Fergus really got me. He was my favorite relative. Whenever he was around, we mostly talked about trains and old cars. I listened to it because it seemed to make him happy. 

Grandpa Fergus finally let me go and examined me. “You’ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you.”

“I mean, fifteen-year-old boys tend to grow fast.” I muttered.

“FIFTEEN?!”Grandpa Fergus bellowed. “Wow!” 

I laughed nervously and slipped away into the dining room. The dining room had three candles. One in the middle, and two on each side. Plates were seated on the tablecloth, and the turkey was in the middle, with various foods surrounding it. Squash, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, caramelized onion and goat cheese bites, and Mom’s family famous pumpkin pie. The wonderful aromas filled my nostrils, making my mouth water.

Mom looked exhausted but satisfied with her work. “Well don’t just stand there gawking, let’s eat!”

Uncle Stu and Grandpa Fergus sat next to each other, rambling on about trains. Grandma Molly, Aunt Delilah, and Mom sat near each other. Dad pulled Lily’s highchair out and rolled it next to his chair. Grandma Beatrice sat Lily in her highchair and sat on the opposite side of Lily. Grandpa Jorge sat on the opposite side of Grandma Molly. The only seat left was next to Mom, which I was okay with. 

Everyone grabbed their fair share of food. I grabbed a single spoonful of corn, two spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, a few slices of light turkey, and a slice of pumpkin pie. I never really liked the caramelized onion and goat cheese bites, but still, Mom made them every year. Everything was silent at first until Grandma Molly spoke. 

“So, Lincoln, how’s school been going?”

I swallowed a spoonful of mashed potatoes. “It’s been fine. I’ve been getting As and Bs.”

Grandma Molly hmphed. “When I was in school, I got straight As. No Bs.” 

I rolled my eyes. “Grandma, do you have to compare everything with something from your own childhood? No one really cares.”

Mom snapped an angry look at me. “Lincoln, be respectful.”

“No, it’s fine Bertha. Lincoln, you better be showing us some respect soon, or your mom might as well kick you out of the house.” Grandma Molly looked to Mom.

“I wouldn’t go that far.” Mom chuckled nervously. She was obviously uncomfortable with the topic.

“Bertha, you have to be showing this kid some discipline. He’s not in his right mind.”

“Right mind? Discipline? I’m a pretty disciplined kid. I’m not looney or anything like that.” 

“Mom, Lincoln, please.” Mom grumbled. 

“I say, Molly’s right!” Uncle Stu announced. “You're not disciplining him enough, Bertha.”

“Bob?” Mom looked to Dad for help.

Dad looked at Uncle Stu with a blank face. “Honey…I agree with Molly and Stu.” 

“What?” I was bewildered. 

“You're always on your phone. You’re seriously lacking on your chores, ” Dad groaned.

Lily babbled as Grandma Beatrice chimed in. “Leave the poor kid alone. You weren’t the best kid either, Bob.” She took a bite of turkey.

Mom put her face in her hands. She was clearly upset. I always hated seeing Mom upset. 

Grandpa Fergus and Grandpa Jorge didn’t say anything. They knew better than to say anything. 

Grandma Molly, Grandma Beatrice, Dad, Uncle Stu, and Aunt Delilah argued back and forth about whether I was a good kid or not. Grandma Molly brought up the time I snuck out once to go to my friend Joe’s house. My parents didn’t ground me or anything but told me to never do it again. And I didn’t. Although, Grandma Molly seemed to have other opinions about my escape. When Grandma Molly and Grandma Beatrice were arguing, another argument stirred about how my parents could be better representatives for me and Lily. Uncle Stu, Aunt Delilah, and Grandpa Jorge. All the arguing was making my head hurt. 

“Enough!” Mom slammed her hands into the table. I flinched and the room went totally quiet. “Can’t we have ONE holiday, ONE, where everything ISN’T a disaster?!” 

Everyone was silent for the rest of the night. As I sat there, eating my food, I discovered something. 

Ruining Christmas is what I do best.