No one man is an island

*Day 23: Alone again...just where is this alien mothership everybody is on board?

A lot of my life I’ve spent being alone, it comes to reason that God would punish me in the most humorous way. I don’t think everybody is truly gone; they can’t have. But none of this makes sense, was there an emergency breakout? Zombie Apocalypse? Alien invasion? If so, wouldn’t there at least be some fucking signs?

I’m trying to stay positive, though I have started to realize the potential in being completely alone, for instance, just the other day as I was going to grab some change on my way to the store, I realized, I don’t have to, there isn’t anyone I can pay? And no one can say I was stealing because there isn’t a single bloody person out there. Then I started to do some more thinking. If I am out here, truly alone, I need to come up with a schedule, ways of making me preoccupied. Video games are the obvious choice, but I feel like I can take this opportunity to really start being healthy again. Don’t need to pay for gym memberships or healthy food.

Which brings me to my next point. Grocery stores are a bit of a problem, especially fresh food. It’s been two weeks and I can see that already some of it has started going off. If I was to preserve specific types of food for me in the future, I am going to have to math this shit out. I did a little research on how fresh food gets preserved before it gets delivered to the grocery stores. The trick is pretty obvious and common sense, put it in a bag, then put it in a freezer. But how do you transfer that much food? Where is an industrial-size freezer? Well, I found out.

Not too far from where I live there happens to be a said industrial-size freezer, however, the transport is a bit of problem. See, the easiest answer is just a truck but I don’t know how to drive one and I’m not going to try. I could end up destroying all the food if it is not fully tied down. On the flip side of that though, I do know how to drive a van, ‘one’ a particular kind neighbor down the street is “letting” me borrow. Using birdcage trollies I found at a nearby hotel depot and playing figure-me-out with a forklift, I’ve managed to successfully load this van whereby I will be making trips back and forth a few hundred times.

Mission report? Success and failure. I was able to store most of the organic food after a couple of trips. My original planning did not encounter the idea though that the food I left out in a regular hot transport lot would start to spoil after I made my fourth trip. However, I still have the success of rendering fresh fruit and veg outside of cans for a short while. Next up, cakes and spring rolls!

I have to admit, I was seriously enjoying myself for most of the day, until I realized, after this, what do I do? And ever since then my day has been really sour. Today I had a task and a purpose, the novelty of “survival man in isolation” made me feel happier than I have in two weeks. And yet, now I realize that it isn’t always going to be like that. That there are going to be inevitable moments like now when I am just lying in bed wondering where the rest of the world went. I feel alone, perhaps, for the very first real-time in my whole life, and I just can’t shake it off…

*Day 33: No man is an island

My time spent here at the library has helped me to become more efficient at finding useful ways to use my time productively. From nutrition, mental health, sport science, and even philosophy, I’m figuring out all the ways to be healthier, smarter, and wiser, all the elements of living a decent life…but nothing on enjoying it. Since a week ago, I’ve been lost in this line of thinking and the truth is, I don’t know what to do with it. I have all this time, but no one to enjoy it with me, there is no motivation to learn something new unless I can’t talk about it to someone else. Creative thinking is telling me to find more sophisticated ways of reaching the same levels of communication, like using online bots or even playing pretend with mannequins. But at the risk of going insane, there isn’t much I can do to afford myself comfort in the absence of other people. I think back to how “no-one man is an island” or “the world inside you is only a reflection of the world around you” and think to myself, why didn’t I? why was I comfortable being alone? I obviously wanted to talk to other people, So why did I keep finding ways to dodge them?

The truth is, I wanted to be alone so someone could find me. Lost in my own ego, I thought someone would find me interesting enough to go out searching for me. I know it’s only been a month or so, but I feel I am learning very quickly just how the world really works. You can’t expect someone to find you, you have to be a participant as well.

I’ve been reading a lot of existentialism recently, it’s the only thing that seems to talk back to me at the moment. And it got me writing some of my own quotes “A true philosopher is one that is able to sustain themselves on what they have accepted as true till their death”. If there is anyone out there, I am going to try and find them, I need answers before I can accept that this is what is going to be true for me.