Warp speed, Mr Chekov

Welcome to Horizon Utilities. For quality assurance, this call may be recorded. Please tell me how I can help you today.

I want to speak to a Representative.

I understand you’d like to speak to a representative. To better direct your call, please briefly describe the reason for your inquiry.

Representative. I’m not describing anything. Just get me to a person.

I’m here to help you save time. Are you calling about your bill, a service outage, or something else?

I just said I want to…Billing.

Thank you. I’ll connect you to our automated billing assistant. Please hold.

Of course.

Hello! This is the billing department. I’m your virtual assistant. How can I assist you today?

You can start by connecting me to a human, Mr Spock.

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Are you calling about a payment, a late fee, or your account balance?

Late fee.

Thank you. I see the issue. The late fee was applied because your payment was not processed by the due date.

That’s not true. I set up autopay. This is your system’s fault.

Payments can fail for several reasons, including insufficient funds, incorrect account details, or technical errors.

It wasn’t insufficient funds Genius, and it wasn’t incorrect details. I know what’s in my account. Your system failed. It was your mistake.

I’m sorry to hear about your frustration. Would you like to make the payment now to avoid further fees?

No, I want the fee waived. And I want to talk to someone who can actually do something about it.

I’ll transfer you to a supervisor. Please hold.

Finally.

Hello, this is Supervisor Assistance. I understand you’re calling about a billing issue.

Yes, and I’m calling because your system is broken.

I’m here to help. May I have your account number, please?

And while you’re pulling it up, let me save you the trouble—I’m not wrong.

Thank you. One moment while I look up your account.

Sure. Take your time. It’s not like I have a job to get to or a kid waiting for me at school or…

Thank you for holding. I see the issue. Your autopay was set up correctly, but the payment was declined due to insufficient funds.

No, it wasn’t! Look, I’ve checked my account. Twice. The money was there. Do you think I’d waste my time calling if I didn’t know that?

Our records indicate otherwise. Would you like to make the payment now?

Sure, right after I win the Lottery's million dollar grand prize of no effing way. No, I want you to fix this. I want you to admit you’re wrong and fix it.

As a courtesy, I’ll waive the late fee. Would you like confirmation via email?

Sure. Fine. Whatever. Beam me up Scotty.

Thank you for calling Horizon Utilities.

Wait, that’s it?

Goodbye.

Welcome to Horizon Utilities. For quality assurance, this call may be recorded. Please tell me how I can help you today.

Representative.

I understand you’d like to speak to a representative. To better direct your call, please briefly describe the reason for your inquiry.

It’s about more than a bill…Representative.

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that. Are you calling about your bill, a service outage, or something else?

Billing. Late fee. Groundhog Day. Again.

Thank you. I’ll connect you to our automated billing assistant. Please hold.

You’d think I’d learn.

Hello! This is the billing department. I’m your virtual assistant. How can I assist you today?

You can’t. You can’t assist me.

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Are you calling about a payment, a late fee, or your account balance?

Late fee.

Thank you. I see the issue. The late fee was applied because your payment was not processed by the due date.

And as I’ve said, multiple times, I set up autopay. This is your system’s mistake.

Payments can fail for several reasons, including insufficient funds, incorrect account details, or technical errors.

Do you know what it feels like to be told over and over again that it’s your fault when it isn’t?

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that.

Of course, you didn’t. Because you’re not programmed to.

I’ll transfer you to a supervisor. Please hold.

Hello, this is Supervisor Assistance. I understand you’re calling about a billing issue.

You could say that.

I’m here to help. May I have your account number, please?

And before you pull it up, know this—it’s not about the fee anymore.

Thank you. One moment while I look up your account.

Do you know why I set up autopay? Because I forgot to pay a bill once, and my ex-wife called me unreliable. She said I was irresponsible, and she wasn’t wrong. So I automated it. To prove I could handle it.

Thank you for holding. I see the issue. Your autopay was set up correctly, but the payment was declined due to insufficient funds.

No, it wasn’t. I checked. I made sure.

Do you know what it’s like to feel like you’re failing, even when you do everything right?

I’m sorry to hear about your frustration.

Stop saying that. Stop pretending you understand.

Your feedback is important to us.

Is it? Because it feels like I could disappear, and no one would notice.

As a courtesy, I’ll waive the late fee. Would you like confirmation via email?

No. Don’t bother. It doesn’t matter anymore.

Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Yeah. You can listen. Really listen. But you can’t do that, can you?

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that.

No, I suppose you didn’t.

Thank you for calling Horizon Utilities.

Wait.

Goodbye.

Hello?

Welcome to Horizon Utilities. For quality assurance, this call may be recorded. Please tell me how I can help you today.

You can’t.

I understand you’d like to speak to a representative. To better direct your call, please briefly describe the reason for your inquiry.

Never mind.

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that.

No, don’t apologize. You’re just doing what you were programmed to do.

Your feedback is important to us.

I hope so.

Thank you for calling Horizon Utilities.

Warp speed, Mr Chekov.

Goodbye.