Validation

Char went to the tanning booth. Trying to improve herself because she thought the better, she looked, the more validation she would get from the people she wanted attention from most. She thought if I just looked a little better, they would not choose the next person for sure, or if I am the chosen one, surely getting my hair dyed would keep my partner from leaving because at least it was not frizzy like hers.  

When she realized that her efforts were thwarted, she focused on how she did not tan enough or how the hairdresser most certainly messed up while doing her hair.  

Char started recounting the things she had done for him from day one, and the things she had lost. This by far was something that infiltrated her thoughts, feelings, and actions. Just as she was obsessing over him during the chase all her energy was also being used up trying to figure out what she had done so wrong. 

Totally missing the point.  

You see Char had always tried to make people feel the way she wanted to feel, not realizing that doing things for them was not necessarily the way they would do for her. Communication was almost non-existent way as well have been a relationship with herself with the security of strong arms to hold her through the night. Char was the kind of person who would overdo it. If she were hungry, she would make something to eat for herself but also make sure everyone else had eaten, if someone else was hungry and she was not she would still make them something to eat even if they had started to make it themselves, not realizing that she was more like being a mother than a partner. She also could not see outside of her own realm and if she did not like it then no one else could. If someone liked something she did not, it was ignored. So, she ran herself into oblivion, with no boundaries leaving herself wide open for things to adversely affect her.  

She spoke in a material language. There are some people who understand honorable deeds and others who only feel validated and accepted when something money is presented to them by another. Char, seeing things and people through that lens, worked tirelessly to make the money she needed to buy things for the people she loved to make them happy and more importantly happy with her. Unfortunately, the people she loved most saw it as her buying their love when all they really wanted was for her to be there and spend time with them. She thought the whole time that they were happy because she was buying them things and giving them money. She wondered why their respect only lasted if the money did. If she did not have money when asked for it, she felt bad, and they were mad. She had unwittingly made this situation herself and would never see it.  

She has checked the inventory of everything she has given out and has gone over these many times. Still trying to figure out what went wrong.  

She saved the receipts from her hair and tanning appointments and wrote down how much money she spent on each person she simply wanted to be loved by. When she added up all of her receipts she also right along with it tallied up the times she had helped someone otherwise to free up their time this included the times her help was not warranted or wanted and ended in frustration and usually a verbal argument about how she helps and then throws it back into someone's face, She, had added these moments as them being ungrateful.  

She spent her money in all the wrong places for all the wrong reasons and this nearly ended in homelessness. Char thought that the cost of living was ridiculous, and this left her in some very scary situations. She thought that since she did not use too much energy in a home nor spent much time there that she should not have to pay, making it impossible to avoid resentment from those who knew that this was a very warped way of thinking and that the people who had helped her when she was down were not appreciated because they did not need anything from them. Would she make someone pay if they lived with her, you bet your ass she would have no doubt about it and people knew this about her so why would she think she was exempted from this rule.  

She would think this way because she always has, but could it change, would she change? Change is always scary and taking the plunge had never been one of her fortes. She had always stuck to the things she knew to be true. Since, she has always had a tough time understanding her own feelings it would be no surprise to know that on the off chance she did take the plunge she would mistake her excitement for fear and pull herself away from anything that would ever make her happy, she always thought it was someone else's job to do this. She has always thought that prince charming exists, and they are until they are not. She will always be thinking or obsessing about how she can make herself better to make others happy. The thought of making herself happy was never one.  

Char, could be a very loving person, she just projected all of how she would feel validated on her actions towards others, and because they do not reciprocate back the same way she continues to go on in life with the same system that has changed nothing, each time something goes wrong, if she would just see or even ask someone how she could make them feel validated she might be surprised to learn that they do not need any material items to feel this way and that her expectations of them could be understood if she just asked.