ARE YOU COMING TONIGHT?

Are you coming tonight? Is not an invitation; it is a simple question. I don’t know whether you’re coming tonight, I am not forcing you; I am just confirming that you may be swinging by to see me. GROSS!

What category of boy asks such a question to a hot red dress damsel in a party; when they have been close dancing for a good 1 hour. Yes, you got the word write ‘AN INTROVERT’. But that was before this life enchanting turning point took place in my life that landed me in a mental asylum by this simple question.

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Hi, I am Manav and I was confused about, being an introvert is a blessing or a curse?

Often being introverted lands you up in an aggressive or thoughtful state whenever you are surrounded by a bunch of extroverts. Aggressive, because the latter one’s talk so smartly that they feel no hesitation in talking about the topic they barely know of. Thoughtful because, I am a person who, even if known to all ins and outs of that topic, would not be a spokesperson in front of that confident frauds. Doing and expecting everything with perfection is my forte; it’s a quality, right? But I come with one more quality (figure quotes) associated with it and that is, getting irritated if people around me don’t do the same but pretend, but can’t objectify them too and landing raising my blood pressure.

I am having a lot more qualities like this, but some great person told: ‘SELF-ABUSE IS A CRIME’ and frankly I don’t want to go to jail haha at least before sharing this life-changing experience that came as God’s answer to me.

Sometimes it feels like “PERFECTIONISM IS A SELF-ABUSE OF HIGHER ORDER”.

I was very happy in the period of lockdown. The brighter side of that span for me kinda people are, we can spend quality time with those people who accept you as you are irrespective of the target of finding out ‘JUST FLAWS’ in you; OUR FAMILY. I was very happy playing with my kids, spending time with my parents and wife. Gossiping about and remembering old moments at evening tea together were the favorite pals of that time. I used to do some hobby-derived unhealthy, mouthwatering cooking on which my wife used to fight on, but kids used to relish expressing that with a compliment of DAD IS THE BEST. Things were awesome before this relaxing span between the first wave and second wave of COVID came.

People got relaxed so a sudden plan of the most awaited friend’s wedding hit.

With kids obviously, it was not recommended to travel as the disease was still not terminated.

So finally a stag entry at marriage was the consented conclusion.

The trip commenced with all the COVID precautions being taken care of, boarded the flight, and reached the destination. All of them had arrived and we're so very excited and relieved from this partially-opened lockdown phase. I was as accustomed to not being able to go Dutch my share of jolly experience of lockdown, as I was the minority one in my experience. Some usual get-together boozing stuff started, where we all were just pulling the groom's leg to still think to marry or not to marry, by terrifying him with our marriage know-hows. That was fun, more of an old bosom buddy’s reunion. The next day was the most anticipated event, at least for me as I was a married bachelor there; THE BACHELOR’S PARTY NIGHT.

The pool party was deliberate at his penthouse on the outskirts of the city. I was damn thrilled that we all friends would be partying together. Rather I should precisely say that I was feeling quite secured as no strangers would be there (strippers are an exception, obviously; they are not strangers, right?) and I can freely do some baloney stuff too. But! But! But!

We reached to party ground and witnessed that our friends were just broccoli in salad and believe me there was some extinct variety of salad too. The troop was enormous and mad. Firstly it was getting not comfy at all then some real-time hot girls entered, and it converted worst as I was getting more vigilant now. F..k I have so many merits but still why do I get so conscious with strangers around, they are not concerned about me, they barely know me, they are not going to judge me. Yes, I know all these facts, but how to get out of this self-orientation program going on in my mind? Answer in the party is, hold one of your old friends and booze man; what else.

IT WORKED; frankly, it’s an offense to say this for booze in front of an introvert, because this always works dude.

After a good cocktail session, now it was my party, what the heck is the meaning of the word introvert; sorry heard this word for the first time!

The next moment I caught myself in the pool with a lot of strangers, dancing and inviting friends to come inside. This was the moment when my eyes got wedged on the girl in a ravishing steamy and exposing, shimmery red strapless dress, entering the house. She was gorgeously hot, and there were a lot of model-looking build guys around, and I was not one of them, so out of my league.

Huh not again! I cannot be in my senses so early. She kicked all my drunken senses into the water with her simple mascara cat eyes look. Have to again go and refill my tank with some ethanol, esters, carbonyl compounds, etc.

Went to the bartender in my wet dress, to get a refill where some bunch of so-called model-looking studs was behaving weird with some simple girl there. Couldn’t resist taking a stand for her, so went for her rescue and with some verbal fight scene, and was able to fulfill the target. Again went for a refill and a mesmerizing sound just tempted my ears with the words ‘BYE ME A DRINK GENTLEMAN” and appreciated my gesture for that girl.

Unbelievably she was the same hot girl I saw arriving. Recovering from an experience of a blackout state of 2 min., I noticed that girl is waiting for an answer and giving a weird look, and I may lose this opportunity. Suddenly the ventral flow to my brain rushed in the back and with the stammering voice I replied ‘yes sure, totally my pleasure '. She was pretty frank enough to continue chatting freely and drag you persuasively to open up yourself into a coziness zone. At the same time flirty enough to hold your hand towards the dance floor and making you dance into her arms on her steps, holding her tight for the moves she wanted to make. The moment was getting insanely hysterical, to stop yourself from getting pleasured into go with flow wave, that was ought to get you willingly drowned.

Suddenly a wake-up alarm came as there were some time constraints for music and party as per rules, which we already had over crossed. People who came unaccompanied were moving out as couples to their place. She went to the loo to freshen up when I contacted my friends about the next plan. They all voiced, man that’s your night, the hottest girl of the party is with you, and you ask us about the next plan. The groom offered his car and told him there’s a guest room for him at home, take her home man.

Ahhh now that’s the hard-hitting part again!

She appeared, held my hand, and told me please drop me home. I replied ‘yes sure’.

Friends were continuously giving me signals to ask her for tonight together. Escorted her to the car, opened the door for her, made her be seated, and started driving towards her location on navigator. In the meanwhile, she just kept her head on my shoulder praising me about the time spent with me and kissed me on my cheek, which gave me a dare to ask her and I finally with my mind shut down asked her:

‘ARE YOU COMING TONIGHT WITH ME AT MY PLACE?’

What? I was confirming in doubt? I was not inviting? Seriously man I am nuts.

The girl started laughing in a funny tone on this decently asked question for her consent. I suppose she didn’t have that wild desperate vibe from me, what she was expecting, and sarcastically told me I am not looking for a business meeting and left with some other boy.

The whole night, I like an insomniac, was thinking about and cursing my introversion. Above that when I reached home early alone and told the whole event to friends, they started making fun and pulling my leg. For once life seemed an ugly truth that I didn’t want to accept. It somewhere shattered my ego damn badly. Thoughts were demonic and were making me dreaded for myself. Maybe that was the warning of destiny. I had to decide between; carrying on with my cosmos by cursing myself and god or fighting with it and at least giving it a try for the first time to get fruit out of it.

This time I was not ready to give up on any of this affront, in the name of destiny, I was prepared to combat for it, and frankly, the girl seemed to be the safest Guinea pig for that. I was dreadfully waiting for the girl to arrive at the marriage premises. The moment she arrived, that yesterday’s sarcastic smile just flashed in front of my face and the very next minute I approached her and offered her a drink. Initiated with a next-level flirty tête-à-tête, held her hand, took her for fag, and with some hint in her eyes took a step onward to kiss her. She was already attracted or it was casual for her, I have no goddamn idea and I didn’t want to have one. That aggression of mine made her so seduced that the very next moment we departed for the room and had the best time, as I was not ready to be an introvert in any of my acts and positions.

The thing didn’t stop in there that night, it was just a beginning of a new JOY RIDE that was about to get underway.

The next day was the travel back to the home day, obviously which got canceled as the rollercoaster had not yet crushed me fully. This was the day that changed everything in my life.

She took me to her house as her parents were going out for 1 week. She invited up a few of her friends for a bash that night, where I landed up in a consented Polyamory with three girls. It was my first-time fo that experience. It offered me, such a pleasure that daily we were into some of the other combinations of different people into this game. I fail to recall what I was, I have to go back somewhere, have to hold back to my responsibilities, the family, the kids, where suddenly vanished out of my mind. It was a real-time fantasy of what I was living. But finally, you have to reach back to reality. So the day derived when I went back to home sweet home.

This time things were not the same, I was not the same man. Those reminiscences were working like forcing magnets on me. I wanted to rush back to that phase and hold on to every piece of it and never let it go as if that was a marijuana addiction to me.

I started trying hard to be away from that thought process but after an ample pressured time, one day I lost it and started calling escorts to fulfill my brutal desires. And then it didn’t halt, it went on and on till my wife caught me red-handed one day. I tried to make her comprehend and finally got the first and last chance for rectification of my mistake. That also didn’t last long as I was not able to control any of my acts. She left me and being alone made me cross the threshold.

But everything has got its expiry date. I started exhausting all my time in pleasure-taking, so business got shattered which lead to bankruptcy. Affording high paid escorts was getting problematic, so I shifted down my level to red light areas but was into the imaginary world of foreplay, and not just sex. Slowly it passed away so much into my head that I started getting involved in street fights at those areas as they were not able to satisfy me so I would not pay them.

Finally got diagnosed with ‘COMPULSIVE SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR DISORDER’ which lead to depression and anxiety to that level that I had to in conclusion get admitted to a mental asylum for psychiatric treatment.

I wonder sometimes that usually introverts are people who are quite good observers and smart action takers in comparison to individuals with oral diarrhea and mental constipation defined as flaunting extroverts. What is just lacking in us is a courageous step, and slight mind training towards expressing ourselves without hesitation and fear, coz qualities are something which we are already blessed with. Is that so difficult for one silent lion to stand in a bunch of barking dogs?

Hi, I am Manav and I am still confused about, being an introvert is a blessing or a curse?