Dearest Neighbor

June is upon us dearest neighbor. It often feels like new beginnings for some of us, be it weddings, graduations or simply the start of summer. It seems that with the arrival of summer, many think there isn’t much to happen in our small town. Joining neighbors in the stands as our high school team plays whatever sport in season is over. Youths roam free, no longer restricted from the eight to three schedule. But just because school is no longer in session, doesn’t mean that the gossip of this town ends.

Where should this curious neighbor begin? I, of course come to you in complete anonymity and a non-judgmental place. This is just what one hears when taking a Monday morning walk behind the three church ladies that like to talk about Sunday’s findings. Or perhaps at the brewery as we discuss some local mischievousness’s. And there is the ever faithful and completely trust worthy group chat that at least one family member of this town is a part of that discusses power outings, suspicious sightings of outsiders and of course the plans for a fast food restaurant that keeps being turned down due to the type of people it will bring in.

This edition I feel will be talking about one person in particular, our mayor. Yes, it may appear that this neighbor is not a fan of said mayor but I beg to argue. Because as I already stated, this is just the talk of the town. And of course, if you lead our town you should lead by example. This mayor, in the eyes of this neighbor, is leading even the most Christian neighbor astray. But of course I don’t judge…just report.

Perhaps to start with the most recent. I should bring the attention of the all out fight between the mayor and one of our fellow neighbors in his front yard. If you missed it, it’s been uploaded to the online community thanks to part by a security camera. Seems our mayor has taken a rather strong stance on our properties daring not to let our lawns grow above three inches. So much so that he’s known to walk around town with a ruler, sticking them into other’s yards. This led to the security camera catching the mayor measuring a fellow neighbor’s grass which directed to some middle aged swings. Without the mayor fighting diligently to rescue our town from the forbidden length of grass, well…he’d be forced to focus on the rising drug issues among our youth, the constant rain flooding issues in our ditches that overflow and block our roads, and the small group of unnamed gentleman who use our Friday night celebrations in the park to get drunk in public with no consequence. This neighbor begs you to not let the mayor travel outside to the outskirts of this town, the story goes that the grass there is something you could get lost in, not even his ruler is big enough.

Of course we could focus on this town’s most recent award. Safest town to live in. Awarded to us by the state which in tandem put a giant target on our back. No sooner did the ink dry on the newspaper and the online article submitted was this town hit with several burglaries. The mayor has yet to retract the photo or the award that sits in city hall. Perhaps city hall is the safest part of our town, for the sign has yet to be stolen.

While we may be the safest town to live in, there isn’t an account for many brain waves that float through this town. Many of us have heard of the alpaca that is on the loose. Our finest sheriff department deputies can’t seem to catch it. Reports have been made of varies sightings of small farms to the front yards inside the town. Despite the many calls, it hasn’t been caught. It has been deemed the white bandit by many in the town. It’s has the very makings of the cow slaughter house escape of ’05. Sadly the mayor did report that the cow was captured after months of being on the run. Although some still say they sight it in the apple orchard but no one seems to be able to capture a picture of the beast. And there was a time where there was a helpful supply of burgers at the local diner back in ’05 so this neighbor believes that the cow was indeed captured. This time, this neighbor is rooting for the alpaca.

Lastly dear neighbors is of course the uproar over the only brewery in this town hosting drag shows on celebration of pride month. The news of this has made many church folk unhappy about this. As we know the mayor is the assistant pastor of the church that happens to be located down the street from the brewery. And in great response, the breweries solution is to host them on Sundays as the church folk can protect their folk inside the church walls. Because even this neighbor knows how virtuous church people are, why look at our very own mayor/assistant pastor. This neighbor, however, will be sipping on mimosa’s and watching our local Queens, perhaps walking down to the yoga studio the same church goers tried to ban because it wasn’t Christian. As we all know dear neighbors, everyone needs a good show and a good stretch once and a while.

Summer has just begun and I plan to sit back, relax and enjoy the show. But don’t fear, this neighbor will come out with next month’s issue and gossip soon. Because small towns may have little to do according to the towns folk but there is always something to talk about. So raise a glass dear neighbors and wait for the next issue where my direction will be turned elsewhere. But for now, I’ll be toasting my Sunday mimosa to you dear mayor.

Sincerely,

The Town’s Neighbor