Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl

By Alice Sampson

“Just say it.” You tell yourself.

“I still love you.” No. Goddammit you’re such a cliché, fucking hell. What she gonna say to that? “I love you too.” I don’t think so. She broke up with you man. Helen loved you but she wasn’t in love with you. To think that you really believed you could keep a girl like that. You just got lucky. You met her before she blossomed, when she was inexperienced and young. But from the beginning you could see who she’d become – there were glimpses. Like the time she went and bought a whole chocolate sundae on a night out, not caring what anyone thought. Or how she spontaneously sang ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ at karaoke, alone.

But she’d also laugh at all your jokes and listen to you prattle on about your favourite basketball team. She actually listened, it was rare to find someone who would actually listen. You’re the clown no one takes seriously. You’re the guy that is always invited to things – as long as there’s enough space in the car. You’re the guy that girls go to when they need relationship advice. You’re pathetic but suddenly she was there and you didn’t feel so pathetic anymore.

“Just say it.”

“I’m dating Tilly.” She’d laugh in your face. No she wouldn’t – but she’d want to. Everyone else is laughing behind your back. If you weren’t so weak you wouldn’t have given in to her flirty messages. I mean that was a red flag, days after Helen dumped you and Tilly’s already there? Why can’t you get your shit together? Do you really need a shag that much?

And of all the people, Tilly? Sure she’s hot, in that conventional kind of way. But she’s a fucking bitch – spoilt, lazy, stupid. If you were trying to make Helen jealous you’ve done a shite job of it, all she’ll be thinking is how much of a step down you’ve taken. Yeah Tilly will suck your cock and text you back – but you know you’re keeping her around mainly just because you want to get a rise out of Helen. You need something, anything, a sign that this is killing her as much as it’s killing you.

Tilly doesn’t even listen to you – not that Helen did too much of that in the end either. Other things took precedent and you were slowly but surely moved down the priority list. She wouldn’t see you during exams. Then she wouldn’t see you during weekdays. Eventually you were lucky to see her once a month. But you clung on.

“Just say it.”

“I cheated on you.” Well if you want no chance of being with her ever again, then sure, say that. Fucking lucky she never found out. You can’t even control yourself when you have your dream girlfriend. When you realised things were going down the drain with Helen, what did you do? Try and make things better? Work things out? Nope, you got blackout drunk and fucked your housemate. Great call man, really smashed that one – not only became a cheat but you ruined a good friendship.

But that’s what you do isn’t it? As soon as things get a little bit hard you dive for the bottle. Goddammit you’re such a cliché it ain’t even funny anymore. Gonna be a worthless alcoholic, is it? Gonna follow in Daddy’s footsteps? You’ll end up marrying Tilly and spawning another generation of emotionally repressed little fuckers who you’ll come to despise because they remind you too much of yourself.

Helen was your way out. She was going to make you better. She was joy itself. That week you spent at her place over Christmas was one of the happiest of your life. Her parents were warm and welcoming and you couldn’t understand why Helen complained about them so much. Agreeing on one present each was a lot of pressure but it meant so much thought had gone into it. That homemade card she made you. She told you she loved you. Safety, that’s what it was. You felt that no matter what happened, you’d be safe as long as she was by your side. Because she supported you.

“Just say it.”

“I hate you.” Oh my god, we’re back here are we? Are you gonna 10 Things I Hate About You it and tell her that you hate that you love her? I’m not saying you don’t hate her. Like, she disappointed in a lot of ways. The bedroom side of things was less than exceptional. And you hated that she seemed to care more about her own dreams than about yours. And how she told you to stop talking to her about basketball because she didn’t care. Honestly she was moody so often. She changed. That free-spirited energy seemed to leave her. And back to the bedroom stuff, like was she even trying? At least Tilly sucks your cock.

But you were willing to overlook all that. You were happy to put all that aside because you knew that was all just her going through things. That the real her, the girl you knew from the beginning was still in there and she’d come back. She’d change back. You couldn’t blame her for going through problems. You thought you’d have a chat with her about it after her exams – tell her to put more effort into the relationship – into all sides of the relationship. Got a bit ahead of yourself there, didn’t you? Couldn’t even bring up the cock-sucking before she dumped you, could you?

So, what are you going to say to her? The dream woman. Are you going to try and be friends? Try to get back together? Call her a fucking bitch?

But you know this whole situation was your fault, right? Because you thought a girl like that would want to stay with you. That you couldn’t see she was going to realise how brilliant she was and find someone twice as attractive as you. Despite all your hopes that your jokes and personality could keep her, your ugliness was always going to lose her in the end.

You’re just not what quality women want. Go on then, tell her you love her, why not? It’s probably the last time you’ll have the chance with a worthwhile woman. After all, she is a dream.