Grandma Beryl’s Sponge Cake

Ingredients

Flour

Eggs

Butter

Milk

Sugar

A dash of infidelity

Many of you have been asking for more of my Grandma Beryl’s recipes from her handwritten cards and I am pleased today to share this good old-fashioned sponge cake. It’s a special one for the women of our family as it was the last cake my grandma made my grandfather before he died.

Instructions

Firstly, you’ll want to wash your hands of anything and everything. I learned that little tip from my dearest husband, who turns fifty years young tomorrow.

Preparation is key. It is always prudent to make sure that you have all of the ingredients and tools you need ahead of time. Wouldn’t want to get halfway through the recipe with flour on your skirt and batter on your fingertips, only to find you have misplaced something important. Especially if that something important was to fall into the wrong hands. Like when I found my husband’s secret second mobile phone.

Next, take a bowl and add your dry ingredients. Feel free to measure out the quantities to ensure a smooth, flavoursome cake, but if you have just laundered your husband’s clothes and found a restaurant receipt for two in the pocket, then silly little details like ingredient ratios cease to be important.

We’ll be using the “all in one” method so go ahead and add the wet ingredients, too. As the keen homemaker will be aware eggs naturally have hard shells which need removing. However feel free to skip this step if your husband has been staying out late to work and yet when you stopped by his office to bring him a microwavable dinner the building was dark and closed.

For those who like to experiment feel free to add flavouring of your choice. Be aware that this can affect the texture and density of the cake if added in large quantities. Popular choices include vanilla, almond or, if your husband has been reeking of another woman’s perfume for weeks, antifreeze can provide a unique twist.

Mixing time. Normally you’d be looking for a smooth, rich batter that delicately drips from the blades of your blender. However, if your husband has been taking calls in the bathroom with the door shut and the sink running to drown out his conversation, may I suggest that a lumpy, uneven batter would be a wiser choice to better reflect the current state of your marriage?

The cake tin can make or break your hard work. Too large a tin and the batter will spread thin and burn at the edges. Too small and the batter will be thick and not cook properly in the middle. A happy medium is to estimate how long your husband has been having his affair, divide that by two and use that as the diameter of the tin you should use. In inches.

Oven temperatures are a contentious issue and many of us default to a medium setting to play it safe. While this is commendable, feel free to turn up the heat as high as it will go. Imagine burning every item of clothing your husband owns as the sides of the cake wither and blacken. In a way, it’s symbolic of the way he has torched your years of marriage.

They say a watched cake never rises, so go and do something nice for yourself while you wait. This could be a quiet walk in the garden, a relaxing bubble bath, or get yourself a Tinder profile and start swiping.

Once the cake is ready the fun really begins – frosting. There are so many colours of frosting to choose from and this will depend entirely on your husband’s preferences, or your level of pettiness. Options could include custard yellow, as a nod to his cowardice of going behind your back. Or jade green to show your envy. My personal favourite is a deep, wine red as a neat yet subtle threat for husbands who already suspect you know their secret.

Sprinkles make everything better. Dust them liberally to improve everything from your cake to your life.

Leave the cake to cool. Many of you will want to use a cooling rack as this will ventilate the sponge cake and ensure that the bottom doesn’t get soggy. But then if your husband has been engaging in soggy bottom activities anyway this may not be of concern.

A warning for those with pets: cats and dogs are curious creatures and if the cake is left unattended they may try for a lick. And remember that moments before that same tongue has probably been washing areas that are unmentionable on this blog or I will be demonetised. So if you don’t want that transferred to the cake, remember to cover your creation. If you do, then leave it out in the open. As a bonus, in warmer months flies are also attracted to the sweetness.

While your husband has been out at work all day some preparation tips can include packing some clothes and toiletries for him and having them ready near the door.

The cake would likely be eaten as a dessert after a wonderful home cooked birthday meal. For those whose husband has a smudge of lipstick on their shirt collar, this apparently attentive treat will lull them into a false sense of security.

Candles can help set the mood but beware of the hot air your husband may spout if you choose to tackle the issue directly over dinner.

Serving suggestion

Take the finished cake with both hands in a firm grip. Ensure the thick layer of frosting is facing your dearest husband so that he can appreciate the full effect of the design.

Now, shove the lot in his lying, pig-headed face.

For extra flourish, scoop a fingerful of icing off his lose and lick it slowly, maintaining eye contact as you inform him that the kitchen is closed, now and forever.

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