It's All a Bit Different Now

Everything looks a little different, the air feels a bit odd and the sounds are a little muffled and in just a few minutes three hours have passed and the sun is trying to peak from behind the trees to wake the rest of the world. For the first time in my life I realize the dimension of colors that are in sky as the contrast goes from dark to a glimpse of white that fades to a light blue and then back to black, I grab my phone to search for the word that describes what I am just noticing and ’twilight’ appears on my screen “ah yes, that’s what it’s called” gives my mind a break from the dreams that kept me awake. Twilight goes to sunrise where the colors transition back to dark orange at the horizon to beautiful yellows but it doesn’t feel warm and inviting this time. The sunrise almost looks like a flame that will only grow so big that it consumes what is left of any hope but before long the sky is light and I have a few more minutes to collect myself before the alarm goes off but the memories of a childhood I didn't realize I would love as much as I do stay with me. The dances on the toes of your cowboy boots make me think the angles must be currently laughing at your moves or maybe you're talking to the great "Duke" and asking him if he was really like how he appeared in your favorite movies. I can imagine Grandma embraced you harder there in the Heavens than she ever allowed you to here where you are missed. I feel regret thinking that I didn't make the time that I wanted to and I think of the moments I missed taking in your jokes and silly comments about my daughter. You loved watching the sunrise, you often said that it was better than sunsets but I never thought to ask you why you felt that way, I wish I would have valued that over sleep. I wish my child could know you longer than she got to. I hope she remembers how much she loves you, I hope she remembers your beard against her little feet that made her giggle so hard that her belly moved, and the dancing, I hope she remembers the dancing like I do but instead of your boots she will remember the feel of the medical chain that hung around your neck, the one that informed that you were allergic to penicillin. I pray she remembers that she held that necklace so tightly as her other arm flung about to the sound of The King himself telling of stories of the ghetto. I promise to share your dad and grandpa jokes and sayings about our blonde roots running deep and your hopes that our bellies grew as big as yours did. Memories like that bring a smile to my fcae as my heart breaks a little more but I know that I have to stay strong in front of Mom. I think she misses you more than any of us but through her grief she shares her faith, I know it’s what keeps her going. I'm told that I shouldn't question God but trust that HE knows what He's doing. I trust HIM, I do but I also wish you were here to tell me that it's all going to be okay just one last time. I wish I could hear you call me Goof and mess up my hair again because you know that it annoys me but the day must go on as I bake and clean and and continue to do the things that I have to and most moments I keep it together, until I see the mug I drank from during our very last conversation, the one where you asked my view about life and why I thought we were all here. I remember you had this smirk on your face like you were waiting for me to come to some realization but maybe you were just trying to find a new perspective, I wish I would have asked why. I wish I would have asked what you took from the lessons you learned in life, how you became the patient man with your grandchildren and how you found the courage to keep going when I know there must have been so many time you wanted to give up. I can almost here your voice in even the little things I do because though I wonder what your answer would have been, I can almost guess what you would have said. You were a family man so it was us who made you take that next step until you couldn’t, it was us that made you keep breathing until GOD said no more, and it was us that made you keep working because it was us who you lived for. Thoughts like this continue to flood my mind and I can’t help but wonder when they will fade but then again, I don’t want them to yet they always cause the tears to start as I try to swallow the lump stuck in the back of my throat. There are so many things I will never know but there are so many things that I have learned because you took the time to make me feel known. I promise to never let you go, I promise to hold you in my heart for as long as I breathe and to take from your example and be the mom you believed I could be. 

I'm told that little by little things will become normal again but in a different way and as I nurse my little one to sleep the sun seems to agree that it's been in the sky long enough and grants me my wish for the day to end but my mind continues to wander making me wish I had control over my eyes that won't stay closed without seeing your face but maybe seeing your face is what gives this grieving heart peace. Rest in the arms of our savior dad as we learn how to navigate here without seeing your face.