The Past Life Exterminator

My job doesn’t require a website, business cards or the occasional networking event.  I find my clients rooted to the stool of their local dive bar, scowled and hunched over in the drugstore checkout line with drool clinging from their chin, a token of boredom at the company holiday party. Holding onto ones past reveals itself in the way we operate, it’s not hidden in thoughts of the tormented. It’s center stage and will accompany you throughout your life, until you meet me.  

My name is Beatrice Ragtul and I’m a Past Life Exterminator.  

One may read my title and assume I’m a “psychic”, “medium”, or “shaman.”  I’m none of the above.  Clients invite me into their placid existence to uproot what no longer serves them.  I will not be gentle with you. I'll come in with vengeance and no mercy. I’m here to exterminate your past.

I must warn you that I have yet to meet a client that’s not surprised by my appearance.  This journey requires you to embrace your inner hero and I’m your mirror so I dress like one. My multi colored cargo pants, brown utility belt and cherry red belly shirt embroidered with the word “ABILITY” is my uniform. On occasion I’ll wear electric blue tights and cherry red spandex but the shirt remains the same.  At seventy I’m still pulling off “tiny and tight” but that’s beside the point.  It takes courage to eliminate the past.  In addition to an intense one-day curriculum I’m your personal mascot! 

Our day begins Saturday at 5:30am sharp.  No excuses, I already know you’ve been lying in bed for an hour pasted in painful memories.

There is no need for a formal introduction.  I enter with fists in the air, rage in my eyes ready to knock down every wall created to nurture the past. At the end of this session you’ll find yourself with a clean slate, hopeful future and enraged landlord. I ask for payment upfront. 

Every self-help book is promptly removed from the shelf replaced by coloring books from Target.  It’s amazing what coloring books can be found at Target.  Mantras, prayer beads and moments of silence have no place here.  Markers, puffy paint, glitter glue and play dough are my clients access to uprooting an outdated reality to find the creator within.    

We’ll begin with a quick cup of coffee.  There will be no time for discussion; you’ll be drinking coffee quickly. It will be time to get out of your head and into your body.  We do this with a thirty-minute intense dance session.  You’ll DANCE, DANCE, DANCE while I brew TEA, TEA, TEA. 

I’ll have you towel off then begin sipping. No worries on the temperature it’s a little above lukewarm and I do this on purpose.  The point of this exercise is not to embrace the essence of the tealeaf; you can be drinking Lipton for all I care.  It’s to get you sipping and above all getting you obnoxious with it.  I’ll have you sip the most ridiculous sip you’ve ever sipped…is that a laugh I hear?  That’s right, you’re going to laugh your way out of this practice just like YOU’RE GOING TO LAUGH YOUR PAST INTO THE GRAVE!

Then we’ll gather up all the photos of the bitches you’ve been hanging out with the last decade or two. Surprise!  There are always a lot of bitches.  It happens when you carry around a past full of pain.  Conscious of it or not, bitches are bullies.  It’s okay to hold onto these photos, some of them are actually great memories.  But, we’ll take them off the wall and put them in a box. We’ll tape up that box and you’ll give that box all the love and light.  In doing this you’ll seal past pain with positive affirmation and conformation that those bitches aren’t coming back.

And just like that it’ll be noon and time for lunch, which is included in this course!  What better way to remove the old and bring in the new than with “Jack’s Value Menu” at “Jack in the Box.”  This drive-thru food selection is intentional.  When you hold onto what is heavy on your heart you tend to forget the little things.  Like $2 tacos and $3 Oreo milkshakes!  Doesn’t that make you feel better?  It does for me too and basically everyone else on the planet.  Whole foods and balanced meals are beneficial to ones happiness but so are French fries and sweet and sour sauce.  When you keep it light in time you start feeling right (wink).

Judging by the indentation between your eyebrows I’m concerned you’re questioning if this is a logical investment.  But, your investing in you and investing in me is the right choice because I know exactly where you’re at.  

Difference between you and I is I needed Beatrice Ragtul at your age and it took me many years of loneliness before I found her…that indentation’s not going anywhere is it?

All right, maybe you don’t need to invest in me.  After all, I’m starting to get the feeling that this company holiday party knows I’m not your date.  Honestly, I could be your grandmother and there is nothing about my cherry red belly shirt that screams “Ugly Sweater.”  

There’s more to my curriculum but it looks like security is coming this way.  So I’ll leave you with this kid…dancing, slurping tea, removing bitches and the occasional drive thru is really all you need. Everything else will fall into place. I’ve got to get out of here. There’s no way assisted living’s gonna let me back in again if I get caught and money’s tight.  

The last he saw was her cherry red spandex and electric blue tights flash through the parking lot. Security chased after her quickly loosing her from sight due to their shortness in breath. Unaware that a woman in that outfit and physical condition was over seventy.  

He raised his glass alone at a table meant for eight. Before his last sip he said, “While I’m at it I might as well find myself a super hero outfit with a cherry red belly shirt and embroider it with the name “Beatrice Ragtul.”