All I Want

“I can’t do it, it’s wrong. Can you imagine how much pain it’ll put him through? Ashley, no, listen to yourself! I can’t be selfish!” She almost lied to herself, she was a very selfish person, and for some reason, eerie reason, she just couldn’t handle the thought of being selfish towards him. “I have to go. I’ve got to go to work.” She mumbled, mind scattered and heart hammering against her chest. She hurriedly ended the call without waiting for a goodbye. She didn’t need Ashley to try and convince her out of her plan. She didn’t need another voice telling her to not do this, her heart was already screaming it out. She hurriedly grabbed her purse and went out of the apartment, down the lobby and into the elevator. She leaned her head against the cool metal of the elevator, she was surrounded by silence, but internally there was so much commotion. Her fingers curled into fists, inner conflict distorting her thinking. The ding of the elevator door knocked her out of the madness happening within her. A couple had entered, teenagers or young adults, she couldn’t tell, everyone in Paris looked young and in love, that was the downside of this place. Paris. The one city where love seems to be a contagious, dangerous disease that affects everyone, worse than swine flu, the Black Plague, HIV and AIDS. They giggled as they stood in each other’s embrace, the sight was so heartwarming, but it brought tears to her eyes. She was thanking God the moment the elevator door opened and she rushed out of there before she broke down into tears. She waited until she was in the confines of her car, her tears were streaming out like a tap just turned on, so effortlessly and so easily. Sadly her faucet was broken, because she couldn’t stop. They just kept coming. It was like every single suppressed emotion was resurfacing and forcing itself out of her. She broke down, head against the stirring wheel, wheezing almost suffocating as she struggled to breathe.

 His smile was what kept her crying, his smile so gravelly engraved in her memory. His scent surrounding the car, his voice almost whispering in her ear through the passing breeze. The rays of the sun felt almost as light and feathery as his touch. 

She could barely get through work, all she kept seeing was red, smiles and hugs. It was valentine, the one day where she should be so excited ,because she has this man who is madly in love with her, but the lump in her throat restricted her from that. As the work day came to an end, the streets filled up with millions of cars readying to get home and surprise loved ones with gifts, treats, hugs and kisses ,whilst  she bitterly walked down the sidewalk as every step she took to the location she was heading to, her soul dreaded her intentions. 

It was like time had sped up only to come to a stop once she stood in front of the door. The old washed out green painted door, number 266. She breathed out slowly, her hand extending to knock on the door only for her to stop midway. She didn’t want to say goodbye, if anything she wanted to disappear and leave without having to face the despair that’ll be expressed on his face. She didn’t want to be the reason he cried or felt a tiny bit of hurt. She thought if she just left without a word said, it’ll be easier for him. But, he deserved a proper goodbye, she owed him that much. Lord knows she owes him more than a proper goodbye for all the love he had shown towards her and given to her so undeniably eager. Loving for him was like smiling, so effortless and easy. A tear ran down her cheek, his smile was in her mind. She’s going to miss that smile. 

And so she took one step backward, then another one, and another until she was close to the stairwell, she wanted her last memories with him to be the happy ones they have shared these past four months. She wanted to only remember him happy, she doesn’t want to contaminate the memories of him with this one horrible memory. So she was chickening out, call it selfish, but she was selfish with him. And she didn’t care. She was almost home free, almost of out the door of the apartment building, almost far away from the man of her dreams with memories that could put every legendary love story to shame. 

Until she bumped into him.

Grocery items fell to the floor, her mind was racing through a million thoughts per second. His scent, his touch on her, his voice trying to reel her back into reality as she could her heart trying to race out of her ribcage. “Lilita! Lilita! Hey, baby, hey...it’s okay. I’m here, calm down, focus on my voice ,okay?” She was having a panic attack, but the feel of his embrace, she felt instantly protected and safe, his voice was like rain, soft and gentle, she breathed slower, almost clinging to him one last time before he wouldn't want to hold her. She breathed in deeply...oh his scent sent chills down her spine. How could she have fallen so deeply in love so quickly? She couldn’t tell you, but she could tell you that she didn’t regret meeting Peter.

 He was exceptional. Even though that one word couldn’t begin to describe this man, I am trying to keep my word count low.

“Are you okay?” He asked gently, pulling away just enough to take a look at her. Her eyes were red, nose red, cheeks red, eye bags darkened. She looked like someone just died. “Come on, let’s go inside.” He said and escorted her back into his apartment. She walked into the familiar environment, memories of their time in here played out like an old school love movie. She felt every moment she had spent here and it overwhelmed her even more. The laughs, the chasing, the tickle attacks, the kissing, the love making, the painting, eating, movies, late conversations, drinking. Every memory they had created was all crashing down on her like a tsunami and she couldn’t handle it. So she decided to end it.

“I’m leaving. I got a promotion and I need to go back to the US. I just came...I just came here to tell you that. I am leaving next week Friday, and I would like you to not try to change my mind nor argue with me nor try to make me feel like I’m abandoning you or the love we shared. It’s hard for me, but this is my one opportunity and I want to take it.” Her words were hasty, stale, harsh, emotionless and void. She was masking her pain to make this interaction as quick as possible. The candlelight dinner he had set up made her feel even worse for doing this. “I’m sorry. I—I hope you have a great life Peter.” She whispered out, her voice already exposing the hurt behind it. She avoided eye contact and didn’t even wait to hear what he had to say before she was out the door. She ran out of there faster than she knew she could in heels. 

“Flight 137. Boarding flight 137.” She stood up with her luggage in both hands as she made her way to the boarding area where an airport assistant was waiting. Her body felt heavy, and achy. “Welcome mam, can I see your ticket.” She handed the ticket, face void of anything. “Thank you, have a safe trip.” The airport assistant says in her cherry tone. “Thanks.”

“Wait! Wait! Lilita! Lilita!” Her ears must’ve been playing tricks on her, was she hallucinating. Her eyes, focused on the ground, looked up to find the facial expression of the airport assistant one of confusion. She wasn’t. Someone was really screaming out her nam—

“Lilita! Lilita, wait!” There it goes again. The voice, it sounded so familiar… it almost sounded like—

“Peter?” She whispered almost in a exhaling motion as she was holding her breath. She couldn’t believe her eyes. There he was, luggage and all, running towards her like his dear life depended on it. Her heartbeat accelerated instantly and before she knew it she was jogging towards him too. Her tears came streaming out, but not because of sadness nor pain, but because of pure joy. Pure, beautiful, amazing, overwhelming joy in every single cell in her body. Their bodies collided into each other as their arms wrapped around each other, they clung to each other. To everything they have ever felt, every moment they have ever created, every kiss, hug, smile, laughter, they held onto each other as if holding onto those precious moments. “Peter.” She said his name again to make sure it was really him she was holding.” It’s me Lilita, it’s me.” He whispered back, face nestled in her neck. He put her down after a moment longer only to smile at her whilst wiping away her tears. 

That smile. She thought. “I realized that I didn’t want to live my life without you. The thought of you being so far away from me, it made me feel empty. As if I’m letting go of everything I’ve ever worked hard for. I didn’t like that feeling. So at that moment I realized that I truly couldn’t live my life without you, nor would I want to. So—“ He said as he began getting down onto one knee. Lilita couldn’t believe her eyes, her mouth agap and heart racing. He looked up at her, eyes filled with joy and pure love. He held out the cubic box. “—will you marry me?” There was silence for a minute too long. “Listen, I know this isn’t the most romantic way to propose, I wish the circumstances were better, but I really need you to say yes to me, because I love you and I don’t want to be with anyone else or anywhere else but right by your side and—“

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes!” She exclaimed once she finally got a hold of her wits. Peter sighed in relief before he smiled as he got up and put the ring on her finger. She squealed before jumping into his arms. “Mam! The flight is about to depart!” The airport assistant yelled. Lilita looked into his eyes asking him if he was ready to leave his home in hopes to create a new one with her.

“As long as I’m with you, I’m home. Let’s go.” He said, grabbing the luggage and rushing to the airplane. For the first time in her life she wasn’t running alone, she was running with someone who wouldn’t be anywhere else, or with anyone else ,other than running here with her to that plane where the rest of their lives awaited them.

6years later.

“I hope you don’t do that again, you know how mommy gets sweetie. Okay?” Peter said softly, the little girl with wild curly hair nodded as she refrained from looking up knowing her furious mother’s gaze will stare back at her. “Good, give daddy a kiss and go sleep. Daddy loves you, alright.” The girl nodded before she kissed her dad and hurried up the stairs. “Goodnight to you too Lisa.” Lilita said back sarcastically as she went back to pick up the glass pieces on the floor. Peter helped her out, picking up the framed photo which was now broken. He chuckled. It was the day of their wedding. He can still remember exactly how he felt that day, and not to be corny , but everyday after that has just gotten better. “What are you smiling about?” Lilita said as she got up, glass in her hands. “Remember when we got married? When we took this photo?” He asked with the same smile he had almost six years ago. It’s still as beautiful as the first day they met. “Of course I do, you threw me in the river after the photographer took that picture only to jump in with me. Crazy man.” She chuckled as she looked at the photo. “This crazy man is your husband and father to our beautiful twin girls.” He says, placing the photo on the table and wrapping his arms around her waist from the back. He kisses the side of her face. “Mhm. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you Peter, father to my now three children.” She said rubbing her belly, his hand as well joining hers. “I love you to baby. I can’t wait for baby number four!” He says cheekily. “You are one crazy man. After your son, I am no longer popping out babies, I think I’ve spoiled you enough with three.” She giggled.