The Storm Inside

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t betray them like this,” Raine said, hands trembling where they clutched at his phone.

“How dare you talk back to me?!” the voice on the end of the line snapped. “You know your mission!”

“I can’t–” A sob caught in his throat. “Please father, I can’t do this to them.”

“You worthless child. Have you forgotten who owns you?! You will kill their leader or I will destroy you. Do you understand?!”

“Sir, please,” Raine whispered.

“I said do you understand?!”

Raine stiffened in fear and he inhaled sharply. “Yes…yes, I understand…”

The line went dead and Raine shoved it into his pocket, his breathing picking up. Hands found their way to tangle in his hair, the pain on his scalp barely registering as he crouched low with tears pricking at his eyes.

“I don’t want to be tortured,” he whispered to himself, tugging at his hair harshly. “But I don’t want to hurt them.”

He was spiralling, unsure of himself, unsure what he should do. What should he sacrifice? His life and sanity or the life of his father’s enemy?

He knows his father is the one in the wrong. He knows that it is not right for his father to manipulate and throw his money at innocent citizens, destroying their lives and ordering kill on sight for the leaders, wanting to imprison everyone else.

But… he’s scared. He’s been hurt and used by his father his whole life. He’s selfish. He can’t bring himself to even imagine the pain he would undergo if he were to fail this mission.

“Raine! Are you here?” A voice called out and the boy startled, shooting to his feet and wiping away his tears hurriedly.

“Y-yes. I’m here.” He said, hoping he didn’t look as though he just had a mental breakdown.

“Ah, there you are! We’ve been looking for you.”

“Sorry Calen. I was just-uh…” Raine couldn’t think of any excuse to give as he stepped out into the light embarrassed.

Calen blinked. “Were you crying?”

Raine’s hands flew up to his face. “No!” he denied vehemently, face turning red.

The taller boy’s eyes softened, and he reached out to gently pull Raine’s hands away from his face. “It’s alright to cry you know…God only knows how often I cry myself.”

Raine looked up shyly. “You mean it’s not pathetic?”

“Gods, no. Everyone cries. There’s nothing wrong with it. We do have emotions after all.” Calen said gently.

Raine was speechless. His whole life he had been told that crying is pathetic and only for weaklings and yet here, Calen, his supposed enemy is telling him that it was ok to cry?

“Do you need a moment before we head back to the others?” Calen asked and Raine shook his head.

“No, no. I’m good. Thank you.”

They headed back to join the group of other refugees and Raine’s eyes drifted to the leader, a stern man by the name of Murdo who could surprisingly be a softy to them; letting them enjoy themselves as much as they were able to under the circumstances.

Watching them laugh, Raine wondered if he will have the courage to sacrifice himself for them or will he be a coward and betray them.

“Raine? May I speak to you for a minute?” Murdo called the young boy over when the next day dawned.

Raine nodded, motioning for Calen to go ahead and he followed the leader to his small office. The minute he sat down; he could feel the mood turning serious as Murdo locked the door.

“Sir?” Raine asked, fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie.

“Raine, I want you to be honest with me. I am going to be very blunt here”

“Yes sir?”

“Were you abused?”

Raine blinked. “What?” That was not what he was expecting. He thought Murdo had found out who he actually is.

“Were you abused? I know that might be a very private question as all you told us if that you couldn’t take it at home and ran away but if it’s true, I would like for you to maybe meet our counsellor? If you are willing to, of course.”

The raven-haired teen was frozen for a moment, trying to process what was happening. He hasn’t figured it out?

“Um…” Raine hesitated. What should he say?? There is no protocol for this situation! “I-I don’t think I need it at the moment, sir?” he said cautiously, not meeting the adult’s eyes. “I mean, I think I’m doing better?”

Murdo regarded him and Raine shifted in his seat under the piercing scrutinization. “I see. Well that is entirely up to you. I won’t force you.”

“Thank you, sir.” Raine whispered.

He got up to leave but just as he unlocked the door, Murdo spoke again. “And Raine?”

“Yes sir?”

“Whatever you have to do, please think about Calen and the kids.”

Raine stiffened. “I-I don’t understand, sir?”

“I think you do.”

The teen raised his eyes to meet Murdo’s knowing ones and suddenly it was all too much.

He knows! He knows who I am!

The walls were closing in on him and all the air was trapped in his lungs, his breathing picking up. He had to get out. He had to leave.

Raine thew open the door and ran. His feet pounded against the ground, mind whirling. His heartbeat thundered in his ears and he couldn’t hear the shouts of people calling him worriedly. He couldn’t hear the concern in their voices.

All he felt was the terror that pulsated within him, rising in his chest and choking him.

He didn’t know where he was going. He just needed to leave. Phantom pains of his previous punishments battered his body and as soon as he found a dark alcove, his knees gave out.

Darkness was safety. Darkness was security.

The dark meant his punishment was over. He doesn’t want to be hurt again. But he screwed up. He always screws up. Why can’t he do anything right?

But what is right?

How can he decide? He has never once had the chance to make his own choices. His actions have always been dictated.

His arms wrapped tightly around his knees as he buried his face in them. What should he choose?

If he obeys his father, the refuges and rebels will lose their leader, motivation, maybe even their lives.

If he disobeys his father, they will be able to fight back against the injustice and make a change. They will all be safe and uninjured.

But… he won’t.

‘Don’t be so selfish,’ he chastised himself but he couldn’t shake off the fear that gripped him. It felt as though chains were wrapped around his heart, pulling taunt and threatening to crush him.

Whatever you have to do, please think about Calen and the kids.

Murdo’s parting words were like salt on the burn. The children’s laughter rang in his ears as they found joy even after the tremendous loss each of them personally have suffered.

It’s them or him. Why was he hesitating so much?! It’s the life of one sinner to save dozens of innocents. There is no comparison. He deserved the pain. They didn’t.

Raine felt a sudden calm fall over him, his mind clear for the first time since he had infiltrated the rebels’ hideout. He knew what he had to do.

Beep, beep. Beep, beep.

“You better have good news, you worthless excuse of a son.”

“I’m not doing it.”

Silence. There is always silence before the storm arrives, before the pain submerges him.

“What did you say?”

“I’m not helping you kidnap or kill the rebels’ leader.”

Subconsciously, he knew he shouldn’t be this still when only minutes ago, his body was shaking. But in the eye of the raging storm, there is also calm.

“So…”

Raine shuddered involuntarily. He knew that voice. It promised pain and suffering.

“You have chosen to be a traitor?”

“Yes.”

“Very well then. If you do so, I presume you know the consequences when you end up with me again, Raine. Those rebels will not protect you when they find out who you are.”

Raine closed his eyes, hurt igniting in his chest. “I know,” he whispered lowly.

“You will return to me on your own accord, you poor delusional child. I guarantee it.” His father’s voice was soft and sounded soothing but Raine knew better.

“No, I won’t. Goodbye father.” He flipped the phone shut before his father could say another word and just breathed out.

Surprisingly, he felt strangely cathartic.

“Raine?” Calen’s worried voice called out to him and Raine lifted his head to see the other boy sit down next to him.

“Are you ok? Murdo said you got triggered and ran.” Calen asked carefully, not wanting to cause a panic attack.

A small smile tugged at his lips and he let his head fall on Calen’s shoulder. “I’m ok now.”

Calen was silent for a while before soft humming filled the air and Raine allowed himself to relax, eyes slipping shut.

Here in this moment, he can put off thinking about the consequences of his actions for once and let Calen’s humming wash peace over him; knowing that at least he had done the right thing.