I felt completely overwhelmed. I could barely catch my breath because someone yanked the stacks of harmony out of my heart and I had no idea who. I could not stop myself from crying because all of a sudden, everyone around me was a suspect and the trust I had for them changed.
“Did anyone see my harmony?”
“Where did you place it?”
"It was here a minute ago, but just like that, it is gone.”
“You sure that you did not shield it somewhere before you got here?”
I felt like a caged bird unable to connect and so distracted by my missing harmony that it made me feel uncomfortable.
I had been so struck by the beauty of harmony and just like that, I had lost access to it.
Harmony gave me a sense of uniqueness. It calmed my rough edges. It enabled me to see the possibilities in life. It gave me a true reason to readjust my habits for the better.
But instead of experiencing the beautiful garden in the courtyard that was my harmony, I had to retrace my steps and encounters to find out who took my harmony.
I started to test the boundaries by asking questions so I could see who was telling the truth and who might be lying about having taken my harmony away. I figured that whoever had a wellspring of wisdom about it might be the culprit.
I felt so ashamed to have lost my harmony. To have lost it left dark clouds hovering over my life. It was like a fire consuming all that I had. I could barely vibrate through the day. I had no passionate expressions to offer to anyone with the desperate emotions that I was feeling.
I searched all around the building like a child looking for their favorite toy. Confusion had its grips on me. And then I heard it; an unfamiliar sound and discipline coming from Carl. It was different than I had ever heard it before. Would he have been able to whip up such an unusual masterpiece so quickly? Where did this passionate expression that he was suddenly showcasing come from?
Every nuance he played, seemed like mine. Every detail somewhat had my signature on it. I desperately waited for him to finish so I could ask him questions about my missing harmony.
“Hey Carl! I never heard such beauty coming out of you before.”
“I gave it my best shot and what you just heard was what happened.”
“Really? Where did you get all that harmony? You were never able to tell a story like that before.”
“I was mirroring the experience of what happened to me the other day when we went to Negril and all of a sudden I got this splash of inspiration that started to break through. It felt incredible.”
“Wait! What? Just like that huh? Carl, did you take my harmony?”
“Did I take your harmony?”
“Yes? You have never played with such great intensity before. I know you took it.”
“I need it back. The fact that it was taken from me is wrecking my life.”
It was like a movie before my eyes. My harmony was right there and nothing I did could gravitate it back to me. I could no longer perform without restrictions. Everything felt like a drone. Chaos was choking me and winning the fight. It was frustrating.
How did I get to the dead end of this one-way street? How did I get caught up in this mess? What happened to my harmony?
“Carl, this is exactly how I imagined it. You come into my life and fill me with enthusiasm only for you to wreck my life by taking what was most important to me. I can’t believe you would do this to me.”
“Don’t gamble away your time thinking that I would do something like that to you. I actually really care about you. I did not steal anything from you. I might have been inspired by you but to steal; not my style.”
“Carl, are you having fun with me or are you telling me the truth?”
“You have been battling for my attention for such a long time. I finally give it to you, and you rise up in mistrust over me. Wow!
“My missing harmony definitely warrants an adjustment in the trust factor. I used to eat, live and breathe harmony. Now I can’t even feel it.”
“You should definitely walk by faith more. Stop getting all tangled up by doubt. I think I pulled up to your bumper because of how colorful you were. We became a pleasing harmonious whole because you added a great level of enjoyment to my world. You accusing me of something so abysmal is not enjoyable at all."
I never felt so alone in this.
I lost my harmony.
Was Carl the enemy? Was trouble in our relationship now looming in the distance? What would be the circumstances of my blaming him for this when I should be thanking him for being in my life? But, ever since my feelings started to take shape, I have been a total mess. The idea of love opened up all these unusual thoughts. I should have been feeling a sense of satisfaction. Instead, I was feeling fragmented.
“Well if you did not take my harmony, who did?”
“I’m not sure but if you want me to help you to get the ball rolling to look for it, I don’t mind helping you.”
It was at that moment that I started to soak in true knowledge. Every time I caught his eyes looking at me like a strange piece of fruit in a bowl on the dining room table, the more that I felt the harmony in my bag of tricks.
Was I so thoroughly focused on messing up in our relationship that I let go of the harmony I had within myself? Was being okay being me and having someone else accept my flaws just the way I am, a real challenge? Just being my awkward self was like being naked in front of him. I was walking through life with him but viewing him and all the other people that could be a better choice as if I were a spectator in an orchestra seats of a theater. There was so much uncertainty about who I was in the relationship meant for two that I simply lost my own harmony and started to doubt in myself.
One thing I did know was that I didn’t want this situation to lead to my life being littered with a broken heart.
“I am sorry for accusing you of stealing my harmony. I was in such an emotional space. But you didn’t deserve it; especially now that our relationship has picked up momentum. But, I will admit, I started forgetting my rhythm and a lot of my song and dance has changed. I just want to feel as if I am enough for someone like you. I can’t help but wondering why some of the things that used to make me happy, doesn’t. I just want to be able to make you smile. Your being a part of my daily experience is like the sweetest whisper to my heart. I glance at love just looking at you and it scares me because I don’t want my dream of love to ever turn to dust.”
“Remember, you are the music that satiates me. You propel my story forward. You make my life that much sweeter. Don’t let your harmony slip through your fingers trying to be someone other than the person that helps to build my hopes for tomorrow.”
And just like that, I realized that it had been me all along. I put a wall up and blocked harmony from illuminating in me. No reason to feel uncertainty about myself. How could I add harmony to someone else’s life if I can’t be harmonious with who I am?
If his reassuring tone and voice didn’t make things better, it was his comforting hug that seemed to bandaid all my wounds that helped me to get my harmony back.