Would You Change Your Fate?

Trigger warning: depictions of suicide

He should not be there standing in front of her. Standing with his arms crossed and a too big grin on his lips. She should not be seeing his unrealistic chestnut hair nor the heart shaped birthmark right above his crooked eyebrow. He shouldn’t be staring at her with his piercing dark grey eyes. He shouldn’t be here. He should be dead. He should be laying in his casket that was in the ground not grinning at her with that stupid smirk. He should have been laid out in one of his fancy suits holding a worthless necklace in his right hand. Not standing next to the street dressed in that ugly black hoodie and black jeans. He should be dead. Buried beneath the earth. Gone from their lives. Gone from her. He was not real. He could not be real, but the birthmark above his eyebrow was his and nobody else had it. It was him. He was here standing before her with his beautiful smile and big heart. He was here with his beautifully crooked eyebrow and brilliant smile. Even his wonderful sparkling grey eyes. He was hers and he was in front of her with all of his glistering beauty. He was her idiot and somehow he was alive. Alive in front of her. Smiling as if he was the sun itself. His hands were clasped around a velvet box and his eyes were teasing her. He began to move to walk towards her in his clumsy but endearing way and she burst into tears. It was a dream it had to be. He wasn’t real. He shouldn’t be here. He was dead.

Then all at once he was in front of her wiping her tears away, his beautiful smooth voice asking her what was wrong. What was wrong? What was wrong!? Did he not care that there was a gravestone in the cemetery with his name on it? That he was supposed to be dead. Dead. She froze as he pulled her into his chest. She began to cry harder and started to pound on his chest crying that he was not real. Screaming that he was dead. That he was gone forever. He gripped her hands staring into her eyes frowning slightly. His voice full of confusion as he told her he was not dead and asked where she got that idea. She screamed all the more as he continued to hug her in confusion. She could feel the confusion radiating of him. How could he not know. She had seen him. She had seen the car that hit him and she knew he was dead. He did not belong here. She clung to him like he would disappear the moment she let go. He shushed her as he rubbed her back. She calmed after a few minutes and her heart broke at his next words. He handed her the velvet box as he spoke, “Probably not the best time, but I bought you a necklace. It’s an infinity symbol. I bought it because I want us to be together for infinity. I don’t know why you think I died, but every time you see this I hope you realize I’ll be with you forever. I’ve got to go, do you think you’ll be okay to get home by yourself?”  

She nodded absent mindlessly as she stared at the necklace. He stood and turned to go back into the building across the street. Was the universe playing a trick on her? It was a double times infinity necklace. It was silver and it had their initials carved in the back. It was the same necklace. The one that he had given her that day. The one that she had hung around her neck the moment she had gotten it. The one that she had torn off her neck while she mourned alone in her room. The one she put in his cold right hand. She gasped and looked up just in time to hear the screech of the red car. She saw him turn and watched as fear gripped his face. She felt herself scream as the car collided with his weak body. She had been too late. She felt the world spin as the sound of sirens filled the air and suddenly images were filling her mind. She saw her curling around his still body. She saw herself waiting in the cold room of the hospital. She saw him lying inside his casket eyes closed and face pale. All accept the red heart shaped birthmark above his eyebrow. She saw herself crying as his casket was lowered into the ground, and all at once she was standing on a ridge ready to jump. Ready to end her pain. When she heard it. 

“Would you change your fate?”

With tears in her eyes she replied yes. She would do anything to be able to do that day over again. To save him and keep him by her side forever, and that’s what she was doing standing here on the bridge ready to take her own life. To unite them once again through death. She felt herself jump.

~

She stood in the middle of the sidewalk staring as he stood there in front of her. He shouldn’t be here. Standing there with his arms crossed and a velvet box in his hands. Dressed in his favorite hoodie and jeans. Smiling with the heart shaped birthmark above his crooked eyebrow. He shouldn’t be smiling at her with his too bright smile. Looking at her with his dark grey eyes and chestnut hair. There shouldn't be love shining from those eyes that should be lifeless. He should be gone. He should be dead.

As she burst into tears because he was all she ever wanted. He was all she was. She did not want him to be dead. She wanted him to be real and not be a dream. As he pulled her into a hug she considered running. Why was she here? He was supposed to be dead. As he handed her the necklace and turned to cross the street she heard a voice.

“Would you change your fate?”

She felt herself look up as images assaulted her mind. Her feet moving before she could process it. She ran towards him as the red car’s tires screeched. Images of the first time this had happened of her happy face. She saw herself run at another instance when she saw him. She saw herself throw the necklace away. She saw herself jump again and again. She saw so many memories. Of him pushing her out of the way of the car. Of him dying again and again. Of her jumping again and again. Never hitting the water. She saw him lying in the casket. Of it raining on the day of his funeral. Of it being too sunny, but October fourth was always the same. It always ended with his death, but now she ran. An image of them together on their first date fills her mind as she slams into him pushing him out of the way and as intense pain fills her she hears the voice echoing in her head.

“Would you change your fate?”