The New Year's Gamble

Why are people so complicated? Our fragile emotions, suppressed memories, twisted desires all compiled into one troubled soul, one dark psyche. I wanted so badly to be the perfect person for you, for myself, for the world. I wanted to be admired from afar; placed upon a pedestal in white for all to admire. But for reasons out of my control my once white and pure dress is now tainted red with blood. I bleed out for all to see. I am now known for an identity that is not my own...or is it? Am I the whore they paint me out to be? Did I want it? I was drunk and I don’t remember...but having 4 men take a drunk woman away from the rest of the party and do as they wish with her does not sound like consent to me. 

The world is cruel. More often than not, I want to give up on it. I want to be born anew, a fresh start. I want to go somewhere far away where no one knows my name or my story. I want to live the life that they have taken away from me. The life that the police decided wasn’t worth saving. The life that they still get to live every day as if nothing has changed. The life their privileged careers protected. 

New Year’s Eve. The one evening of the year where hopefulness hangs in the air as people give cheers to the death of this past shitty year in sight of a new year with new prospects and the promise of better times. For me these are bitter times. I watch the naive girl making her resolutions that she knows she won’t stick to after 2 weeks. I watch the couple vowing to strengthen their bond  when in reality their relationship will crumble in just a few months. I don’t make any resolutions because there is no better future for me around the corner. I’m not getting out of debt and I’m not getting out of this pit of depression I am in. 

Some people just don’t get it. They think that if they work hard and do the right things life will give them wonderful things but I know better. I know that no matter what I do the universe has decided to release an epic, stinking, bowel movement onto me. I am at rock bottom, which is why I am at this party in the first place. I am drinking until I forget my troubles and while everyone else excitedly counts down the new year I will be sleeping in the corner giving a big middle finger to this new year of disappointments and regrets. 

I don’t feel sorry for myself. I know it sounds like I do but really I’m just cynical about everything. I know that there is no such thing as karma in this dog eat dog world. It’s every man for himself and I am defying the system by simply choosing to do nothing. I’m not fighting anymore. I tried to be a good person and do all the right things but in the end destiny comes for all of us regardless of race, gender, or socioeconomic status. The universe isn’t a giant mystery, it’s a giant masochist who makes others suffer just for fun. 

“ You used to have so much light in you,” you say, “It’s the reason I fell in love with you. The fire and passion behind your eyes said it all, you knew who you were and you weren’t going to let anyone take that from you.” 

“ Yeah, well then I grew up.” I reply.

You shake your head and slide down the wall to sit next to me. “That’s not it.” You mumble. “You had been hurt before and you persevered but this time is different. This time you gave up on yourself, on life...on us.”

A silence falls on us for just a few seconds but it feels like an eternity.

“ Maybe I just got tired of getting hurt all the time. Maybe I got tired of being the only one trying. I wasn’t strong enough to pull myself out of it this time...I needed you, and you let me down.” My eyes start to water as I utter the last couple of words. What the heck? I thought I was done feeling sad but sometimes it just hits you like a wave and you get caught up in the current--- no not this time, I will not let him have this over me. 

You turn to look at me before saying “ I needed you too. You never acknowledged that this was a loss for me too and how I might be feeling.” 

“ I tried to get us to go to couples counseling but you wouldn’t do it!” I say a little louder, my voice cracking at the end. I look around to see if anyone heard me but they were all still laughing over their drinks and false sense of security. 

“ Why do you think someone else needs to fix us? We can fix us. I didn’t want to bare my soul to some stranger. You are the only one who knows me, the only one I ever want to know me...and I’m the only one who knows you and I think that---”

“ No. If you knew me then you would have known that I needed help. You say you see it all now but hindsight is 20/20. I’m broken forever, there’s no going back.” 

You run your fingers through your hair and pull your legs up, thinking, while resting your elbows on your knees. “ We used to say we were a thousand puzzle pieces and that it didn’t matter if we were broken because we would put all the pieces together and hold each other so hard that all of the pieces would stay in place. I don’t care if you are broken. I am broken. We are supposed to be the puzzle solvers though and help each other put all the pieces back together--”

“I don’t need you to solve my problems for me. I just needed you to hold me, your crumbled pile of puzzle pieces. Did you find what you were looking for? When you abandoned me? Did it help you put your puzzle back together? Because it sure as hell didn’t help me. You left. I was broken...and you left. That can never be fixed.” I felt a tear fall out of my eye and roll down my cheek, a betrayal from my own emotions. 

You brush the tear off my cheek and reach your arms out to hold me. I scoot away, recoiling at your touch…. The hardest part about this is that it isn’t really you I resent and you know that. You were always able to see right through me but right now it’s easier to be angry at you than to admit who the real tyrant is here. 

“ I know.” You say softly. 

The words take me by surprise. You never admit when you are at fault. You are too proud. 

“Wh-what?” I stutter

“I know I left you when times got tough” You say looking right into my eyes “ I was a coward and I was angry. I didn’t know how to handle my own feelings, let alone yours so I...I had to go away. I needed space to heal...but that was wrong of me. I should have healed with you instead and now I know that I can never take those months back. I know that I am too little too late but damnit… I love you and I think that’s what love is. It is the most powerful force in the world. They say time heals all wounds but really it’s love. Love forgives the unforgiveable, it conquers all even when it’s illogical. So now I am telling you that I love you and I want to make this work no matter what it takes. I know we aren’t perfect but I think that in a billion life-times, in a trillion universes we will never again find a love like ours. Two imperfect, stubborn people who love deeper than the oceans, who dream farther than the stars, two old souls who managed to find each other against all odds.” 

The count down begins…10...9...8…

“How can you be so sure?” I croak with tears in my eyes.

7...6...

“I’m not, it’s a gamble.”  You reply with your hand cupping my face as if I am the most precious treasure in the world.

5...4...

“A leap of faith.” I reply wiping a stray tear away and grabbing your hand.

3...2…

“I like our chances.” You whisper before leaning in to kiss me. 

1...