I don’t know

I don’t know who I am. I’ve read hundreds of self-help books and they’ve all failed. I’m hopeless. I’ve gone to lectures, life coaches. Crap. I can talk to you, right? Good. Let’s start with my life coach, because why not?

Get a life coach; why not? This will solve all your problems. Answer the questions (honestly) and it’ll tell you what to do with your life. Easy, right? Sort of. Fill out a survey. Questions like do you like spending time with other people or do you prefer doing things by yourself? I don’t know. Like I like reading by myself since then I can concentrate, but I like dancing at parties with others. Dancing by myself would be … well, I do that too. I like both, so I put that in, but it takes me back to the question and says mine is an invalid response. I don’t know; that’s just how I am. What was your favorite subject in school? I don’t know; I kind of liked math where I got to memorize formulas and help the other kids, but I liked reading about history and writing for the newspaper, and helping the librarian, so I put down all the subjects and it said that my entry was invalid. I thought it wanted me to be honest. Do you like to travel or are you a home body? Well, both. Invalid response. Every answer I give is invalid or wrong.

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Let’s go to the self help books. There are more self-help books at your local library and bookstore than there are grains of sand in the Sahara. Hay, Dyer, Hicks, Randi, I’ve read hundreds of them. This is the book that’s going to change your life. Before this author found this self help program, they were poor, homeless, were negative, evicted, and any other bad shit you can imagine, but after they did what they wrote about in this book, their whole life changed and it’s implied that mine will be too, but for some reason, none of them changed me. Nothing worked for me. Like the commercials that say this lady lost 100 lbs on this diet. Great for that lady, but that doesn’t mean it’ll work for me. By the way, I tried it and it didn’t so don’t waste your money. Got a fucking library of useless books in my library. Maybe resell them on eBay?

This pill, this diet will change your life, except it didn’t, it doesn’t. Nothing fucking works. But, maybe? Maybe it’s lack of sleep, or … let’s go to the shrink.

I picked a woman since women are more patient and understanding than men, maybe. What are you looking to get out of this therapy? I don’t know what im supposed to be or do with my life. I don’t have direction. I don’t know what im supposed be to do with my life? Do you think you can help me figure it out. There was a pregnant pause. Then she asked me if I had anxiety and I told her no, she asked me if I had depression and I said no. Do I have any diagnosis like schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder? Of course not. I just don’t know what to do with my life. She decided to refer me to a career counselor.

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What did you tell your teacher you wanted to be when you were in preschool or kindergarten? I don’t remember. Did you have any dreams when you were young? To graduate school and get good grades, but I did that and now I …. I already tried the career test and I liked all subjects, equally. I

Everyone always said if I had good grades, I’d succeed, but no one ever told me succeed in what. They told me it’d get me a great job someday, but what great job, and that’s why my psychiatrist send me to you. Questions, again, okay. I like both urban and rural areas. I like being alone and being with others, depending on what the activity is. I like old people and young people. If I had to pick one? I don’t know. Take a guess? I don’t know. I’d choose both. Something where I’d have the best of all worlds? Ok. I like punching numbers. I like playing sports. I like everything. What do I want? I want to know what I want and I don’t or I want everything or nothing or I don’t know.

Pick something. Just pick something at random? Anything? It has to be legal and obtainable. Like you’re not going to sell crack on the streets or get a pair of wings and fly. You’re not going to play professional basketball, either. Something, anything, obtainable in this country and this time and that you can live off of. You’re not going to work at a fast food joint and flip burgers. Ok. That’s fine. Try that and if you hate it, switch. Which one though? Ok. I’ll flip through a yellow pages and you say when to stop and I will. You’ll look at where it is, close your eyes, say now, I’ll open it and you’ll point and that’s what you’ll be. Let’s go.

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We did this and I made my decision. Not sure it was the right decision or if this was the best method, but at least now I have direction. Lots of school ahead so I can have a purpose. Have to take SATs or ACTs, tests in the future, but how will I support myself while I’m going after this？ I don't know. What if it’s … No, this is the decision. I’m sticking to it. I got what I asked for. Now, when someone asks what I do for a living, I’ll have an answer; I’ll say I’m a … but nobody cares. It’s just an opening. Then, they’ll ask if I’m single, have kids, etc. At least I’ll have a job and money, maybe. Or maybe it doesn’t matter what I am or who I am. Or maybe nothing matters.