November.

It had been twenty-four years since she'd last seen it, but the place looked exactly the same. Even the smells were the same. Her old family home. Now empty. She couldn't help but sob. It would never be the same again, her mother was gone and the home she once knew and grew up in was now an empty void littered with bits of furniture.

Her frame collapsed on her mom's favourite chair, the chair where she would spend most evenings watching a soap opera that had so many seasons she never got to see the end of it. The thought of a soap opera lasting longer than her mom's retirement life felt like a cruel joke, but she couldn't help laughing through her tears. It helped for a moment, but then it dawned on her, as she was sitting on this cold chair, that her mom had been gone for a week now, and she was alone now.

She had never ever needed her mother's help, she had always stood strong, but without her mom, something had cracked in her. Being so independent for so long,  she had forgotten what's important; The people in your life that love you and care for you. She had been alone for so long, that she’d forgotten what a loving home feels like. Now with tears streaming down her cheeks, memories came down like an avalanche. The Christmases they had celebrated like a family, the birthdays, the odd family gatherings with her rude relatives, it was all so bittersweet. How had she let herself forget? She should have visited her more, she should have called more. Done more. Instead, she left her mom alone in this house where she was all by herself since her father's sudden death.

It all changed that November day. It all began with a simple stomach ache, that never left. As her father slowly started to wither. The lack of food, the pain, the illness they took everything away. They’d stopped being a happy little family, and drifted apart. Their lives filled with hospital appointments, and then the dreaded diagnosis - cancer. Nothing was ever the same. He passed shortly after, and her mom was left with an empty house and a broken heart. She couldn't offer her mom much, she was just as heartbroken as her mom was. In this tragedy, there were only two outcomes, that they might find solace in their shared misery or that they would mourn alone. They’d never found a way back to each other. She did miss her mom sometimes, but it was never strong enough to reach out. Her mom had tried a couple of times, but her never picking up the phone and rarely calling back had been a clear message. My daughter does not want to come back home, my daughter does not want to revisit the past. 

Without her mom, her family, she buried herself in her work and locked away everything that used to make her truly happy. It was all too painful. She missed her dad, she missed being a family, but she couldn't pick up a phone and strike up a conversation with her mom, she had nothing to say to her. They might talk about the weather and what they had for lunch, but after a while, they were just strangers. 

It was 5 o'clock in the evening, the sun had gone down and it was dark. November again. Will she die in November? Does it mean something? She shook her head and wiped away her tears, found her mom's throw, made out of rough wool, it warmed her up quickly and another stream of tears burst over her, she’d turned on the TV, as her mom would do at this time, her favourite soap was on. Exhausted from crying she fell asleep to the sound of the television.

She woke up to a lovely Autumn's day, it was cold, but the sun still had some warmth to it. She walked out in the garden that hadn't been tended for months. The smell of mud and rotting leaves surrounded the house, broken branches strewn about from yesterday's storm. She walked over to the shed and picked up a rake. ''Right,'' she said, rolled up her sleeves and put her blond hair in a ponytail, ''time to sort this place out'.' The funeral was meant to be in two days, but she hadn't been able to come home sooner. Work was busier than ever, and if she was being honest, she was dreading the ghost of her past. Pushing down the grief and longing to belong, she did what she does best - buried herself in a project. This house from now on would be her project. Raking the leaves and sorting out the garden made her feel happy again. Surrounded by apple trees, she worked until sundown. Her mother would not be buried, while she knew her house was a mess. ''No, I will not let that happen,'' she said to herself. If there was one thing her mom had instilled in her, it was that the house should always be kept tidy and ready for guests. And always keep a present, just in case, you never knew when there might be a birthday or just a need to say a simple thank you; ''Always, be prepared.'' Her mom would say. As a perfectionist, she couldn't help herself. No one was looking, there were no guests to be minded, it's just her. Deep down she knew, it was not her mother looking down on her, it wasn't her need for a clean environment, she was just not ready to say good-bye. Despite being a full-grown adult and approaching 40 this year, she was still that little girl, mommy's little princess. Somehow, someone had ripped that away from her. Holding back tears she finished the inside of the house and headed back to the hotel. One more night in the house would break her in half. It was too much to bear. Just a day left till she had to let go of what was left of her innocence and the true happiness she hadn't known for years. She had to grow up. It was time to bury memories of her childhood. With her mom gone, she would sell the house so she’d never be reminded of what was once a home. Her mom was the only person who could remind her how good it used to be. And she was never ready for that. As she pulled up to the hotel, she said: ''Fuck this.'' She was going to get wasted. And no one would stop her from doing so. She didn't even bother to get changed from mud-covered jeans and marched straight to the bar: ''Gin and tonic, please.'' She approached the bartender.

''Mia?'' the bartender couldn't believe his eyes. 

''Yes?'' She looked at him questioningly, how did he know her name?

''Mia, it's me, Joe, my sister used to babysit for you!'' He looked ecstatic.

''Omg, Joe, of course! How you been?'' If only she’d changed before this, the sweaty shirt and dirt-covered jeans weren’t doing her any favours. 

''Well, it's been alright, yeah, I mean, this isn't much, but hey, I am happy! Sort of.'' He laughed nervously as he passed her the gin. ''Regular or slimline? Not that you need to watch your figure, you look amazing!'' He must be just saying that Mia thought. 

''Regular, not that there is much of a difference.'' She laughed to ease the nervousness that was suddenly thickening the air. Woah, he looked amazing! He definitely doesn't look like that skinny, thin and insecure teenager that she remembered. He must be approaching 50 now. She thought. ''Great to see you, we should catch up, but I am spent tonight, though I’d love to grab a coffee and catch up tomorrow.'' She quickly examined his hands, no wedding ring. Interesting. ''Yeah, coffee sounds great, late afternoon?'' I was thinking more like 9 am, but I guess bartenders are on a different sleeping schedule than the rest of us mortals. They both smiled and when she was about to hand him her credit card, he just shook his head.

 ''Your money's no good here, have a good rest of the night, alright?'' Saying thank you, and how he shouldn't have, 3 or 4 times she stuffed her wallet into her back pocket and rushed out to hide in her room before she could act any more awkward. Shit had to head back because of course, she was in so much rush that she forgot her gin. Giving Joe one of those awkward smiles, where both parties are aware how embarrassing this is, she snatched the gin and the tonic and was on her way, her mom's funeral couldn't have come soon enough, she just wished the Earth would open up and swallow her whole. 

Joe stayed up all night and gave Mia a call the next morning, the hotel was extra busy last night and instead of going to bed, he took up her offer for a cup of a coffee. Surprised, but pleased, she rushed to get ready, she didn't have a shower last night, such a mess! She passed out on the hotel sofa in her dirty clothes. She hadn't had a shower in 2 days! Disgusted with herself she welcomed the warm shower with cheap hotel soaps. Well in an emergency anything is better than nothing. As she was heading out of a shower Joe was already at the door, knocking away. ''Shit! He's already here!'' She cursed as she was trying to grab a towel and find a way to quickly get rid of her cursed panda eyes. ''Damn this mascara.'' she thought to herself. Another knock: ''God, where is she?'' Joe was growing a bit more irritated, lack of sleep didn't help. She opened the door as he was ready to bang the door again. ''Good-morning! or Evening, as you haven't slept.'' She smiled, wrapped in a towel, still wet, but mascara free, her skin was glowing. And Joe took notice, she looked amazing! The unexpected greeting with her barely dressed was a bit of a shock, but he got back on his feet quickly, he wasn't the one who had to look in his pockets for words. ''Morning will do,'' he smiled and entered her room, bit messy, but that's fine, he wasn't a neat freak, ''so where are we heading for a cuppa? I am sure hoping you weren't thinking of the hotel's buffet. I can't wait to get out of here, I am here way too often, I don't look to stay here on my free time too.''

 ''Oh, no of course not!'' She tried to tidy the place, grabbing the clothes on the floor and trying to hide how many empty mini alcohol bottles there were. While trying to think through a banging headache, hangovers hit way harder at this age, no wonder she hasn't gotten drunk for the last 15 years. ''I am up for suggestions, just give me like 10 min, I will be ready in a flash!'' She stuffed all her mess in her luggage and hoped he hadn't noticed, as she would assure him, she was not an alcoholic, but to be fair Irish coffee sounded really good this morning, no, she shook her head, all she needed is maybe a bloody mary, no, no, NO ALCOHOL! She doesn't want any more complications this morning, fresh black coffee will do! McDonald's would do at this point, she wanted to get out too, the stuffy hotel room wasn't doing her headache any favours. Seems like he was thinking the same thing as he was opening the window. Thank God, she had time to shower! ''So, what did you have in mind?'' She tried to shout over a blowdry.

 ''Umm, our favourite pizzeria as kids is now a hipster filled coffee place, want to ruin some lovely childhood memories?''

 ''Sounds great!'' she shouted as she quickly tried to put on a little bit of mascara and blush, to not look completely woken up from the dead. ''Right, all set!'' She rushed out of the bathroom, grabbed her purse and they left the room. 

Joe wasn't lying when he said this place was bursting with hipsters, apple laptops, one cup of coffee, that's probably gone cold by now, would there even be a place for them to sit down? What happened to this town, when did it get so busy with posh posers? ''Black Americano, please, and what would you like? She asked as she was rummaging through her purse, she cursed under her breath, her wallet was in the back of the muddy jeans. ''No, worries, my treat. I will have a flat white, thank you.'' He covered the bill and took them to a lovely table by the window, that was miraculously free. ''Here you are, saving me again! I am so treating you to dinner tonight if you don't mind, of course.'' She looked like a guilty dog, she wasn't used to guys treating her, she didn't let anyone take care of her, but this was such a nice change, the last 2 days had turned her world upside down again. November had done it again, thrown her into the deep end, with no coping skills, but she wondered if she would need them this time. This was a nice change, Joe's company and his caring personality reminded her of his sister that used to take care of her when both parents would be at work. How she had helped her and her mom when her dad was gone. His whole family had helped, but she pushed everyone away and now reminiscing about the past, she wondered why she had done something so foolish. A radio played Fleetwood Mac's Little Lies and it felt like her life had come full circle, she could see it now, all the lies she had told herself, how she had robbed herself of loving relationships time and time again. How she didn't say good-bye to her mom or how much she missed her and loved her, she couldn't help but feel a little sad in this happy moment. Talking to Joe brought back such lovely memories of their past and their families, that she hadn't thought about in years. And she was the one to blame. But she could see it now. November is just a month and the funeral didn't seem so scary anymore. She still had a chance to tell her mom how much she means to her, and her new project will be for herself as it had been deep down all this time. She may be 40 in December, but she was ready to begin her life now and maybe even look forward to the colder months of the year even if she was alone. Her mom might not be here anymore, but her memory would live on and that is all that mattered.