Loss

Finally, It was the first day of Spring.

I told myself I would do it. I told myself, I had better do it, I told myself I would be nothing more than a coward not to.

A young man of fear. Intermingled with the pain of--- beep beep beep---

My alarm sounded, although I had been awake for hours before, contemplating whether I should go back on my own promise. I clicked a button, silencing the continuous tones of the alarm, and rubbing my sleepless eyes, I got up.

Another monotonous day to outsiders, perhaps, but in my head, and my heart, writhed a tumultuous mass of uncertainty. Nobody wants to face their fears, especially when that fear ties in with the horrible experience of--- "Edward, are you up?" My sister called from downstairs, interrupting my melancholy thoughts.

"Yeah." I replied, hearing my voice crack. I slipped some slippers on and scuffled down, the smell of pancakes on the griddle greeting my nose. But nothing could mask the awful stench of what happened, nothing could stop me from reliving our---

"I know these are your favorite. I just need to get..." Her voice trailed off as she stuck her head into the pantry, probably looking for maple syrup.

"I know what you're trying to do, Julie." Is all I replied with, shuffling to the table and picking at my hangnail, annoyed. As if making pancakes would reverse this awful mess, and none would be the wiser. "You can just stop. It's no-good." She found the plastic container of maple syrup and set it gently on the counter, flattening a loose hair on her head and looking at me sadly. Here it comes.

"I'm sorry, I'm trying to make it better. It's just, I hate the way you're giving up on everything. It hurts when you come to the kitchen every morning, putting yourself down over something that isn't your fault. Everybody goes through---"

"Stop. Just. Stop. I know all of this already. Everybody has to deal with---" ring ring ring.

Now her phone rung, obstructing my voice before I could continue. Good; I didn't want to anyway. She sighed before answering. "Hey, Dad." Pause. "We'll be there in a half hour, give or take." Pause. "No, no, everything is fine." She looked at me, before turning away, pouring syrup onto a pancake she just settled onto a paper plate. "He's... fine... Love you too, bye." There was silence for a moment, and I gave her a death glare. She knew why.

"So that's what my family talks about behind me? 'oh, your sad kid is actually fine. Ha, he's the only one grieving, that cannot be normal.'" I mocked her voice. Julie grimaced, setting the plate in front of me and going back to make her own.

"You know that isn't true." Pause.

"I don't know if I want to do this, Julie." I whispered, looked down at the pancakes sadly. It felt like something suffocating me whenever I thought about it. She put her pancakes on a plate and sat across from me.

"It's the first day of Spring, Ed. We can't hide forever. It's been a year, for crying out loud." Yeah, a year, I thought spitefully. Not enough time to wallow in grief.

"Whatever." I hadn't touched the pancakes as I got up and walked into the parlor (connecting to the front door) and slipped my shoes off of the rack. "Let's just go. No point in trying to pretend this is a good morning." My shoes slid onto my feet, frayed rope spiraling from the aglets. These were some of the last things I was gifted. Before finally experiencing---

"Why can't it be?" She asked desperately. I glared, an answer of its own. Her brows knit in turmoil. "Fine."

We grabbed the flowers and left.

___

On the road, Julie driving, the radio a whisper compared to the thoughts in my head. I put up this horrible attitude to everyone nowadays, but all I want to do is cry. Forever. Clutching the bouquet of flowers in my hands, I looked out the open window, my sandy hair whipping my face like a punishment. Julie hummed a little tune as she made a turn and backed up into a parking lot. My heart drummed violently. I turned from the window to avoid seeing anything. My eyes burned. I didn't think it'd be so bad. "C'mon, Ed, Dad's waiting already." I sucked in a sharp breath as she unbuckled my seat belt, realizing I was death gripping it. I turned to look at her. She was crying.

I frowned, trying to mask my own anguish and stepping out of the car. The first day of Spring it was.

The trees around the Church were flourishing with bright green leaves, and the flowers in the little garden patches were vivid and alive. Unlike some people. Just wait, these flowers will one day become acquaintances with---

"Ed." Julie reprimanded me. "C'mon." I nodded and walked behind her, head down. Tears pushed on my eyes, but I refused them freedom. I wouldn't want them gone too, I guess.

We walked to the back. I looked up through my hair and saw the back of my dad, broad and covered by a black t-shirt. He turned around at the sound of our footsteps. Dad stood, walking over to Julie and giving her a quick hug. Then to me. "Hey, buddy." He opened his arms wide.

"I'm too old for that crap." I groaned, pushing past him. Julie winced and Dad stayed silent for a moment, but I could hear his heavy footsteps as he turned around.

"I know we're all suffering right now, but I'm your Dad and you don't have the authority to do that." He pulled my arm a little bit and brought me into a big hug. I tried to deny it, but all my strength drained away. If that's what you could call it. I couldn't hold it anymore.

Waterfalls of liquid misery came out, and before I knew it, I was a twenty year old man crying in my Dad's arms. He hugged me tight, and for once it was all I wanted. It was all I've ever wanted, I realize. All this pain grew with the isolation and anger, and now all I wanted was to feel the love I thought was surely gone with Her. With Mom.

After a few minutes, I sniffled but lightly stepped back, and that signaled Julie and Dad to take their places next to Mom.

We looked down at her grave, set the flowers down, and cried silently. But I looked up at the both of them, first Dad, then Julie.

"Kinda funny she died on the First day of Spring. Good for bringing flowers." And if that sounded insensitive, I added, "But I almost forgot, we're suffering from Loss right now, but there are so many things teeming with life, we've hardly... Lost... Anything."

I placed my hand on my heart. "She's still with us, even a year later. Even on the first day of Spring."