The Pattern

Trigger warning: death of pet

Janie woke as she always did. One minute before her alarm went off. No matter how early, or late, she went to sleep, she always woke one minute before. She laid in her bed. Listening, feeling and waiting for her alarm to sound. Janie was not sure when she first realized her routine, or how it set her up to achieve her day. She now knew that she should take a minute before getting out of bed. 

This morning, like all the ones before, she watched and waited.  As her brain worked out how her day would go the light from the rising sun teased through her window. Janie watched the pattern in the light and energy as the sun slowly crept into her room. The flutter of a bird’s wing, the honk of a car horn. Everything coming together to form the pattern she needed to make her choices.

It may seem like this preamble to her day should take much longer than a minute. Yet it never did. Janie watched and listened, soaking in every part of the pattern. As all the pieces came together her alarm went off and she was ready to start her day.

She knew that others did not start their day as she did. Janie was certain that she could not be he only person who saw, and felt, the pattern the way that she did. But if another existed, she had yet to meet them. Oddly enough she had the chances to talk to several people about how the pattern presented itself to her each morning.

From the time she could remember it had always been there. Guiding her in how she was supposed to go. It could be something as small as choosing between two food items she had never tried, to something big. Janie knew immediately what she would like, and what she would not.  Not going to school meant avoiding a case of food poisoning from the cafeteria or avoiding a terrible accident that happened right where she would have been had she left her house.

Her parents learned to trust her intuition eventually. Even when she could not fully explain why. The few times they had tried to force her had not ended well. Like when they ran over the family cat leaving for the funeral of a great aunt. Janie knew they should not leave the house. She had never met Great Aunt Shirley. Her parents had not seen, or talked, to most of that side of the family in years. Yet they felt obligated to go.

Janie was borderline hysterical as they led her to the car. They had said to give them one good reason why they should not go. She could not. The Pattern did not work like that. It was always there guiding her. Leading her in the way she should go. Pushing her from the way she should not. As she and her parents walked to their car all she could see was the clash and disconnect showing her she should not be going. The Pattern did not say “if your family car leaves at exactly 11:05 your Dad will run over the cat your mom has had since before you were born”. A cat that should have not been outside at all. He never was. But this day Mr. Kibbles decided he wanted to go outside.

Her dad had put the car in reverse, pulling out of the drive quickly as they were already running behind. As her breathing quickened, her heart raced, and the Pattern screeched Mr. Kibbles life ended. First the bump, then the crunch as Mr. Kibbles went under the back passenger tire. Just like that the Pattern righted itself. All the blazing, disjointed lines straightened and flowed as they should have. They did not make it to the funeral.

Her parents slowly realized that if Janie said they should not do something then they did not. If she said to do something, no matter how out of character it might seem, they did.

Janie could not always see other people’s patterns. Not even her parents. Unless their pattern intersected hers. Only then did other’s paths become loud and clear.

As she got older more people asked how her intuition was always so accurate. How was it that her gut feeling never steered her wrong? Janie had tried to explain to how she saw and felt things. Most did not understand. Especially when she could not do magic tricks to make them. On more than one occasion she had an acquaintance get angry with her for not giving them the winning lottery numbers. She did not play the lottery every day. In fact, she rarely played at all. Janie never sought out to buy a ticket. She would be standing in line for a coffee or soda and the pattern would converge. She never won extremely large amounts, but she also never lost. And she always won exactly what she needed at that time.

Janie’s alarm went off and she began her day. She put on her jogging clothes to take Brutus for a run before work. Janie had never owned a cat after the incident with Mr. Kibbles. Brutus had a lot of energy. If she did not take him for a decent run before work, he would most certainly destroy something. Usually something important to her so she would understand it was her fault for neglecting him.  

She grabbed his lead and they headed for the door. Once outside she turned to lock the door and saw a shift out of the corner of her eye. As she turned to focus on the pattern it righted itself and the blur was gone. Janie shook it off. Sometimes that happened, she never knew why. But she had learned over many years that it would work itself out. She just had to watch for the pattern and follow. The Pattern had never led her wrong.

Later at the office Janie was starting to get annoyed. The shift in the Pattern kept appearing in her peripheral. Each time she tried to focus on it, the blur was gone. She was beginning to have a bad feeling. A shift had never lasted this long. It worked itself into the pattern and she was able to go about her way.

Not Today! Today was the worst day for that stupid blur to be throwing her off her game. To make matters worse Mark was noticing her agitation. She knew she could not be distracted. Especially on the biggest day of her career. But that Shift kept intruding. Every time she turned her head, she noticed it. Lurking, but not resolving. Mark would use any moment of weakness to his advantage. Janie would not let today be his day, it was hers.  She would be the choice of their biggest client.

They worked for one of the largest graphic design company on the Eastern Seaboard. She and Mark worked well together. The problem was Mark didn’t want to work well with anyone. He wanted to outshine everyone.  He was smart, handsome and charismatic, if a bit sleazy, chauvinistic and underhanded. No matter how hard he tried he could not best her. Plus, the fact that she refused to fall for his charm and sleep with him. The Pattern, HER Pattern always showed her what way to go. How to step, and what choices to make. Today was different. The Pattern she had relied on her entire life was falling apart. Her intuition was failing her.  

Today the graphics design firm she worked for was meeting with their largest client. The client would be going over final designs for their new business model. The choice was between her and Mark. Mark was trying to play it cool, but he was worried. Never had another designer been able to beat him as often as Janie had. He had more experience and yet time and again her design was being chosen over his. Or she would suggest how to change one of his ideas, and it was better every time. Janie was determined that she would win the contract for them. And doing so would solidify her path.

When Janie chose graphic design her parents, and most everyone who knew her, were surprised. She wasn’t particularly artsy, or tech savvy. She could do enough to get by, but that was about it. Her parents and friends questioned why she would choose something that would be such a struggle for her. Sure, she could make a very nice living, but it would be difficult. That was not the case for Janie. The Pattern showed her what she needed to see. Her designs were some of the best, most eye-catching ones used in media. She might not be able to draw or paint her way out of a box, but the Pattern was all about line, shape, color, texture, type and space. Those things she knew very well. She could always deduce exactly what a client was looking for and what would work best. Graphic design had been the perfect career field for her to choose.

She had to find a way to sort out the blur before the meeting. It was obvious that ignoring it was not going to work. Janie would have to try to force the pattern to bend to her. She was not going to chance letting Mark beat her on this one. She never let him actually win. Janie let him think he won, but it was always on projects that she did not want to work on or were not as important. This one was important. She would be chosen, and in doing so would be one of the youngest graphic designers to land such a large contract for her firm.

Janie excused herself so she could find a quiet area to watch the Pattern. To figure out why it was not righting itself. She had exactly 30 minutes. She settled herself near a window they sun was coming in. She did not always need the sun to figure out a pattern. However, she had found that when things seemed conflicting it was best to watch the sun and use the energy to figure it out. So, she sat, and watched. Waiting and listening. Trying to pull apart the area that kept wanting to blur. It was no easy task and a very bad idea. The Pattern was the way it should be for a reason. You could make choices that could influence the Pattern, but never all out change it. This too she had learned the hard way. Last time she had tried this her fiancé had died. Although the Pattern had shown that Phillip was not going to be in her life anymore, she was unsure if her meddling had caused his death, or if that was how the Pattern played out.

Her time was up. She stood up and smoothed her clothes. Janie felt drained. The shift, though less apparent, was still there. She had no choice but to go forth and hope for the best. Her nerves were frayed, she was far from the composed confident designer she normally appeared to be. Mark was the first to realize as she walked into the meeting room.

The Pattern, HER Pattern would not fail her. She would not let it. All she had to do was trust where it had led so far. The client had narrowed down to her and Mark’s design for their new campaign. The difference between the two was space. Her design used more space to draw attention to the design, while Mark’s used less. All she had to do was explain why her design was better for them. Mark was the lead designer for the firm, so he went first with his presentation. As he spoke the pattern weaved all around him, yet she could not figure it out. What was going on?

For the first time in her life, she could not rely on her own intuition. Every choice she had ever made was because she could trust her gut and the Pattern. Yet today they were both failing her. Janie was at a loss. What could this possibly mean? Her future would be determined by today.

Trust the Pattern.

Trust the Pattern!

Trust the Pattern…

Was her mantra as she stepped up to begin her presentation. She knew all the words to say. With every sentence she spoke she could feel her confidence fading. She finished, exhausted and close to tears. The board excused her and Mark to discuss their final decision.

Janie felt utterly defeated. She knew the client was not going to choose her design. Worse, Mark knew it as well. Yet he was not being a jerk about it.

“Don’t sweat it, maybe it just wasn’t your time” he said as he handed her a bottle of water.

Janie stared at him in disbelief. Not her time. NOT HER TIME! As she pondered what he said she noticed the pattern around them. It was slowly shifting. The blur was fading. The pattern was righting itself.

How could this be? She had followed exactly where the Pattern had shown her to go. Letting the Pattern guide her life in everything she did. All of that for it to “not be her time”. Was this a joke? Could life really be this cruel?  She wanted to be mad, furious. But as his words sank in the Pattern righted itself. That feeling inside her that helped her work out every pattern let her know that he was right. She could not force anything that was not supposed to be. No matter how much she wanted it. No matter how it would benefit her future. It was simply not her time. From the way the Pattern was now flowing it was quite evident that it was in fact Mark’s time.