New year comes with a bang!

01/01

New year, new me right? Today was long day at work I had a co-worker who hasn’t been to work in a week and I am stuck doing all his work and my own but I should be used to it as I am a minion for the school system. I work at the administration of county I live In and I have to take messages and notes for all meetings for the superintendent already but no Ross doesn’t show up again fifth day in a row. So I am stuck taking notes for the assistant superintendent as well. Honestly it’s just a bunch of Huey to me. But hey It’s a job so I won’t complain expect to you of course. My father is coming into town tomorrow night to meet up with me and get up with my life because he has been out of my life for eight years now. (I am currently twenty four) I don’t know If I’m ready to meet up with him or not but hey what the hell right?

01/02

Met up with Dad today it was rough to say the least. First thing we met up In a diner and we have a very “uncomfortable meeting”. He came up to me at a booth in the restaurant we agreed to meet in and first thing out his mouth Is, “Hey little girl, it’s been so damn long.” And he started to cry right in the middle of the restaurant I went bright red. Which is not a flatteringly look for a red head. I mean come on I realize that he hasn’t seen me in quite some time but I don’t have any emotional attachment any longer because he just up and left my mom and me one day and never wrote or send things or seen how I was doing or anything. He didn’t seem to care about me I reasoned, If he did then he had a funny way of showing it. I finally got him to sit down and stop crying after about ten minutes of cooing to him and telling him that it was alright. He proceeded to tell me after he left my mom and I he had started a family with my step-mom (He Called her this I don’t who this woman is so how could I call her anything let alone mom in any form?) and he had three kids which were three step-siblings for me. Was I wrong to stare at him the entire time he said this? And then abruptly stand up and yell, “You are a dad sure but no dad to me. Stay the hell away from me and never contact me again!” I then grabbed my bag while he looked at me like a fish out of water and I ran out of the place to my car. He didn’t follow I guess I never expected him too just like last time…

01/03

That meeting with my dad was to say tragic he sent me at least twenty text messages and has called six times and left voicemails but I am Ignoring it all. I mean duh right? What did he think would happen? I would open my arms wide and say I accept you and your new “family”. When you abandoned my mom and I. To the point where my mom had to get a second job and I had to get a part time to just keep a float? He Is such a selfish awful person. Maybe in a few years I’ll be able to forgive him. I know right now I am not thinking very rationally considering the past we share. I mean he left me behind with all these memories of me being his baby girl from birth until a month after I had turned sixteen. We had started our family already he missed not only high school graduation but also my college graduation. (I was a bit ahead of the curve so I graduated high school at seventeen and then went right to college and graduated after a very long four and half years at nearly twenty-two.)

I started this journal thing because when I agreed to see my dad the day after Christmas and told him it would be great way to start my new year I met it. But again he just disappointed me as he had In the past and now It has continued. He could not face up to my mom and tell her that she wasn’t what he wanted? He couldn’t tell me that he still loved me and would do anything get to know and be In my life again? He couldn’t just be a dad to me with no strings attached. I guess nothing in life comes without strings attached. I let my mom know about yesterdays nightmare and my reaction. She told me that I had to have an outlet with my dad and attempt to understanding. (My mom is amazing human and after only a year had already forgiven my dad. She was the one who set up this whole meeting between him and I) I have always been good at writing but until this year never thought of starting a journal and I am glad I did now re-reading what I wrote. I need to just take a time out from my dad and maybe one day I will see it from his prospective. I am just too close for those insightful thoughts to happen right now. I will keep him in my thoughts and dreams but for now I can’t be near him. I guess this journal thing is good for something? Just being able to write this all down and not having someone past judgement or try to interrupt how I am feeling is so damn nice. I am glad I decided to start this up. Bye for now I shall return tomorrow.

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every thought and not have judgement or any type of negative feelings toward how I react or if I don’t respond at all. I told my mom about the “meeting” with my father yesterday and she being the spiritual woman she is told me to write it all out and keep going with my life. I guess I will continue this journaling and see how it continues to go… bye for now.

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