A Cage of Memories

“The day my reality faded away”

I discovered our photograph under my bed, rusty at the edges and partly ripped, unloved, undesired, and abandoned.

I picked it up. My gaze was fixed on your delightful grin, as your hands wrapped over my shoulders, drawing me in closer for the photograph. I couldn't look at the blinding twinkle in your eyes and flipped the photo to discover a few sentences scribbled, invoking profound emotions in me. 

I remember you taking photographs wherever you went and anytime you wanted. You would always have the same excitement to take pictures, especially mine, whether it was as simple as walking or as elaborate as modeling for it.

You were so focused on the photos you never realized my eyes would always wander away from the camera to you. I have never said it. I loved all of your little quirks, the way you push an out of place strand of hair from your face, and curl your lips, mirth dancing in your eyes at my clumsy stance and awkward smile, how your slender fingers would curve around the camera while you would excitedly show the images.

 My childhood is filled with memories of you - your tiny hands wiping my tears away, pulling my lips into a grin, and your giggle filling me with complete delight. I had always been speechless in front of you. I would constantly listen and immerse myself in your buoyant speech, to the point that I forgot where I was, let alone remembering to respond.

I remember when you determinedly asked me to enjoy the heroes of a movie rather than the evil.

“Why would you like such a character? He is bad; he steals and curses.” You had said, cutely covering your mouth in surprise at my choice.

“Why should I root for the heroes? I'll like anyone I want.” I declared emphatically.

You exhaled, blew your hair out of your face, and pushed your lips together in a thin line.

“If you admire the hero, we will have something in common, and we'll be best friends for life.” You claimed and I believed you, believed in your forever, and I began to like the hero – the good guy.

Even now a chuckle escapes my dry throat. We were just kids. All we wanted was to stay together forever. But neither did we then nor when we aged knew how brief that eternity would be.

I remember you, standing alongside me with an unwavering tenacity fighting everyone who dares make me cry, and trying to reassure that I can love anyone I choose, whether it a girl, a boy, or even a villain and no one can call me wrong. 

I remember you holding my hands and bringing me wherever you wished to. Whenever you needed company for shopping or eating, you would declare it a girl’s day and gladly nibble on the meat with me sitting in front of you, smiling like a buffoon. For me, they were our unofficial dates, a fantasy that would remain only in my dreams and imagination. 

I remember how you would always stand in the front of the bike and act as if you were the one driving it. You were just five when you had uttered those words. “Don’t worry! I am here. I’ll take you to your destination safely.” I had nodded in agreement sitting on the back seat while my father chuckled at our naivety. 

We were worry-free and happy. Our words had their innocence and our laugh had their merriment. If I could wish for something, I would like time to freeze in my childhood and never let me grow into an adult.

I remember our first movie together, our first day at college, our first party, and our first cooked meal. It had been 20 years since the little feeling called love started growing in me. Everything you did was admirable, beautiful and you left me in a trance waiting for your love to pull me back. But I never thought I would actually get what I wished for.

It was just a usual day, we were watching a movie, snuggling to the warm blankets with a hot chocolate at both our sides. Whenever I bit my nails unconsciously, your hand would come right down to smack it away. You’d have a scowl on your face, with your eyebrows furrowed. But even then all I could look at was your dark brown eyes glistening to the light of the television. Your nostrils flared and after some time of repeating my actions, you finally turned off the movie and gave your full attention to me. Your mouth opened for a heated speech and you were going into a long rant but all I did was grin, remembering our childhood.

“It’s a waste of time talking to you. Why even bother.” you had said shaking your head and biting your lips in controlled anger. But before you could walk out of the room I had pulled you back inside the blankets.

“It's cold. Just stay here.” I had mumbled.

You had protested a bit still frowning. But you soon settled in and slowly your hands curled around my waist, hugging me like a koala. I chuckled and wrapped my hands around you. You were warm, soft, and comfortable. I may have slipped into a deep slumber if we weren’t staring intensely at each other. 

It was too soon when I broke the eye contact and turned to the other side. I was nervous, my hands were clammy and my heart pounding hard. What should I do?

I could feel you lying beside me but there was complete silence in the room except for my heavy breathing. 

“Will you go on a date with me?” you asked.

And we were together since then. We had shared all our days with each other yet why did I never notice your smile shorten each day? Why did I not understand the lost twinkle in your eyes meant your unspoken grief?

You had your stress at work, and we had our fights at home and discrimination to face from society. You were the strongest person I knew, but I never thought my pillar could also one day collapse.

I had never seen you cry after we got into a relationship. Did you really have to act stronger in front of me? Sometimes I think we should have remained as friends. Then these memories wouldn’t have been tainted by your blood, then you wouldn’t have left me alone to grieve.

Some days, I would sit in solitude and relive the horrible memories, allowing me to feel like a thousand needles piercing my body. I would not say I deserved it, but I have the strength to bear it and the resolve, some call it courage, to go through with it only to feel a slight upward curve of my lips at an abysmal amount of laughs or jokes that now seem numerous.

There were times when I was eager to create a homemade photo album with all of the lovely images that captured my delight so wonderfully. You were my photographer and I was your model. However, those albums might have turned to ashes blazing in your pyre.

I still cannot comprehend why you killed yourself. I want to understand but you aren’t here to tell your story. Instead, you chose to die peacefully forgetting our eternity, my love, and how I would listen to everything you have to say.

I can’t look at these photos without the pain, the grief, the hate, and the fear consuming me.

You were my happiness. But then why am I scared of you? Why did you leave me hollow? Things were headed in the right direction. Then why did you change their path?

You had troubles, I was with you yet you left me helpless. You brought the light to me but it was you who took it away too.

Now I am here with the realization. You were never real, never were supposed to be forever. All I want to be is selfish and bring your memories back even if to be left hurt.

You got freed, caging me forever.

I am sorry that I hate you.

I am sorry!