Goodbye me.

Standing on top of my apartment building is an interesting feeling if you as me. It feels freeing, especially when I stand on the edge. It feels like I could step off and fly instead of fall. I feel like I'm the ruler of the world. It's maddening, really.

As I carry my gaze across the skyline, I can see everything to the horizon. The surplus of buildings. The lights littering the town. The groups of people gathered in parks and in their homes having a party to welcome the new year.

The sun is set already, and when I look up I can see the stars that fill the black void of the night sky. Stars are something I could always relate to when growing up. They glittered in the sky like the sequins on my favorite princess-themed dress. They're the center of attention during the night like how I wanted to be the center of attention during the day. They bring people joy as they find constellations, I was often one of those people. They die but they still look like they're there, just like me.

I remember telling my mother that I wanted to be an astrologist when I grow up because stars were so very important to me. I can't remember when that dream began to slip away from me. I remember staying up until midnight as I searched for different constellations then tried finding them in the sky. Now I can barely wake up without still feeling exhausted.

Feeling like everything is too much makes you feel like you're suffering from sensory overload every minute of every day. I never wanted to die. I've said I wanted to, but I didn't mean it in the literal sense. I just wanted the world to sort of... pause for a little while. I wanted to put the world on hold and just hide in my bed for a little while as I tried to pick up the pieces of myself. I got the ability to do that after graduation. However, that bliss only lasted for a little while because soon isolating myself in my bedroom for hours wasn't enough. The fabric of my sheet began to feel like too much, my room began to feel stuffy no matter how many times I cleaned it or opened a window. I started to crave going outside but the thought of interacting with others wasn't appealing to me either. It felt like the only safe place was in my head and my head alone.

I began to talk to myself, but in a way as if I were talking to someone in front of me. Sort of like an imaginary friend. It felt like the fake person I created in my head was the only one who I could confide in and talk to. The only one who'd listen to me. It worked for a little while, this fake person would give me advice on how to cope and would advise me not to do any self-destructive nonsense. It was like a ghost was keeping me from hurting myself, or an undetected voice in my head was channelling through the fake figure.

This fake figure only cleared away the dark gloomy cloud that hung over me for a little while. Soon the cloud became a thunderstorm that the person couldn't manage so they went away. I was all alone again. This feeling in my head felt like my mind was all black and it bounced between too emotional and emotionless. I began to feel like I couldn't trust anyone now that my fake person was gone. The thunderstorm that hung over me began to consume and surround me.

The craving for isolation and putting the world on pause slowly began to morph into the genuine desire to commit suicide. I began to act carelessly when it came to my wellbeing. I've hung upside down on a tree. I've jumped on subway tracks to receive things for others without a second thought before crawling out with only mere seconds before the train came by. I stand on the edge of my apartment building and walk back and forth as if I'm walking on a tight rope. I just feel empty and numb, like a hollow figure that only exists for other people's happiness.

I've come to the conclusion that I should but myself first. I came to it over the summer but I decided against ending it there so I wouldn't put a damper on the upcoming holiday season for anyone. Now the only remaining holiday of this year is New Year's Eve and I've decided to end myself as the year ends. I check the time on my phone. 11:59:34.

I untie my hair from its ponytail, letting it fall to my shoulders like a waterfall of blond ringlet curls. I toe off my slippers and shrug my coat off. I step on the edge, the cement is cold and rough on the bottom of my feet. I extend my arms out as the cool breeze hits me. I relish in the feeling of the cold leaving bumps on my skin and the slight shift of my pyjamas.

I can hear people begin the countdown for the new year.

"Ten!"

I shut my eyes and let a small smile grace my lips as I take a stop off the edge.

"Nine!"

I can hear the air rushing past my ears.

"Eight!"

My hair is moving wildly.

"Seven!"

The pit in my stomach grows as I approach the ground further.

"Six!"

I imagine the despair one might feel once they find my body but my smile never leaves my face.

"Five!"

Goodbye old year, goodbye old me. Goodbye me.

"Four!"

Happy New Year

"Three!"

"Two!"

"One!"

"Happy New Year!"