Refills?

    I’m from the tv show, “Cheaters.”   My name is Bob with two O’s.   You’ve never seen me on the show and I suppose technically I’m not a cast member, but I work all the time for “cheaters” and they pay me well.  But I’m still not on the credits.   See, I’m a P I, private investigator, and “Cheaters” hires me all the fucking time to find out who’s fucking whom and to send this tv show proof.   But, this couple is weird.  Well, I’ve never met the girlfriend, but I’m starting to follow this man who looks and smells like a bum;  long, unkempt hair, wrinkled clothes, desperately needs a shower, but I’m not a hygienist, I’m a P I.   

     This idiot left his home at 12 pm and he’s going East.   Goes on the fucking turnpike and then he pulls over at a Rest Stop.  Everyone thinks it’s hard being the center of attention, but it’s harder not drawing any attention.   Have to make sure this bum with a car doesn’t see me.  I am a professional.  Order a small burger, fries, and a drink.   The bum goes to the bathroom.  No one follows him.  I think about it and I have to follow this moron in ‘cause most of these goddamn places have condom machines.  He goes in, pisses, doesn’t wash his hands and leaves.   Why the hell would anyone be attracted to this moron?   Anyway, he doesn’t buy any condoms, but he refills his soda at the soda machine and pisses a lot.

     Then, this dipshit goes back on the road.  So I wait two minutes and follow him.  The highway only goes one way from the rest stop.   So, the person he’s cheating on her with wasn’t at this rest stop.   But, soon he pulls over to the next rest stop.   Maybe she’s at this fucking rest stop.   He gets out of his gray car.  Most cheaters have red cars. But, he takes in his cup from the last rest stop.  Goes to the bathroom to piss.  Doesn’t buy condom but refills his cup from the last rest stop at this rest stop.  There’s a security guard there who doesn’t notice or doesn’t care.  Not sure which.  He drinks and he pisses.  Drinks.  Pisses.  Still doesn’t buy any fucking condoms.   And we’re off on the highway.   This asshole makes about 20 stops at rest areas and uses the same goddamn cup.   But, I’m a P I for “Cheaters,” not a cop.   

      At one stop though, instead of going into the rest area for the umpteenth time, I stay outside and look in this bum’s car.   There’s a GPS.   An old GPS, but a GPS nonetheless.   So, I look at the address and this idiot is going to New York, but not Broadway or Manhattan, some place called Cassadaga.   He’s cheating with someone in Butt Fuck Egypt, New York?   I go back to my car. The idiot’s out with another “free refill”.   Maybe that’s all this is about; stealing from McDonald’s?   But that doesn’t even make sense.   Hell, with what this moron’s paying for in gas, he could have bought a fucking soda machine himself and why would he go to Cassadaga specifically for soda?   And he’s driving again.   Maybe there’s a whore in New York or a secret girlfriend?   Wouldn’t flying ultimately be cheaper?   I mean, you’d get refills at restaurants there, too.   But he couldn’t puss during take off a landing.  Is this it?   Scamming McD’s?   And we’re driving.   Then, he pulls over at an exit in Pennsylvania.   See, maybe the GPS was a red herring and this is where the woman or man (maybe he’s gay or bisexual?) is meeting to fuck him.   He gets off the exit and turns right, so I turn right.   I turn on my secret car camera and stay across the street at a 7/11 so he can’t see me.  He gases the car, goes into the store, goes to the bathroom, gets a coffee with creamer and sweet n’ low, and we’re off again.  What?   There was no McDonald’s to scam here?   And we’re back on the highway.  Driving.   I always keep a few cars between us.  I see the sign.  “New York.  The Empire State” and we’re driving.  After two more hours and gassing up, peeing, and scamming every fucking McDonald’s he comes across, he finally fucking gets to Cassadaga.   Ok.  This must be where the woman he’s fucking is.   Then, he pulls over into a Mom and Pop’s small town restaurant called, “Grandma’s Kitchen,” so I pull in and look through the window.   He orders another fucking soda.   So, I go and sit at a different table and order fries and a coffee.   Then, this girl in her twenties comes up to this bum and asks,”The usual?” and he says “Yup”.   Maybe the usual is a lap dance or sex.   He drinks soda after soda after soda and keeps going to the toilet.   I go there too.  It’s just a toilet.  No one else is in there.   I wash my hands and watch this smuck.   He eats his food with A1, pays his bill, and we’re off again.   But he just goes around the corner to a gated community called Lily Dale and he goes in front of a small white building and waits.  He drinks the rest of his to go soda from “Grandma’s Kitchen,” and then a white woman, probably in her 80’s unlocks the door and walks in to the building in this hamlet.  Then, the idiot I’m following walks in.   That’s who he’s cheating with?   An old lady.  Have to think what to do.  Then, more old ladies in business casual clothes come in.   What?   Is someone else giving free refills?   Seriously, I get out of my car and see if I can see through any windows, but the blinds are all closed.   So, I saw a prayer, put on my candid camera hat, get money (in case these are whores) and walk in to the building.   They all have their clothes on and are sitting in a circle.   Then, the first woman who walked in asks if I’m here for the medium class.  I ask her what a medium is.   She explains it’s someone who takes to dead people.   I ask if we’d do anything sexual or get naked.   She gives me an odd look and says, “No.  That’s not what this is about.   I pay for the class to make sure it isn’t about sex, and it isn’t.   This moron is traveling to Timbuck too to talk to dead people and this idiot’s wife is going to owe me an arm and a leg.   The most anticlimactic scene in “Cheater’s” history.