Shadow Leads

He led, I followed. It had ever been the way of things. The tiny slip of a feline slinked across the leaf-littered dirt. He wound his way beneath the tree cover, tracing a line along the hidden forest path without looking back. So confident was he that I would always trail behind. Golden leaves crunched under my feet, rocks shifted and wet mud slid, my clumsy advance spoiling his silent grace. The jet black, sleekness of his form moved with less impact than the light breeze that pressed itself to my skin. A musky smell of earthly life hung in the air, the dark obscured any view beyond the line we walked and a deathly quiet dampened all. Terror tightened my chest and brought my breaths heavy. A fear gripped me that I could never shake when walking this road, emanating from either the tomcat himself or the dark forest surrounds; I could never be sure which.

The black of his coat made the small creature but another shade cast by the trees, hence I had named him as a boy, Shadow. It was irony to me as an adult that he always preceded me rather than followed my feet, as if in defiance of the name I had chosen so long ago. We continued on our traditional march until the canopy gave way to an open, rocky shore. The waves lapped gently and clattered stones against each other, producing the only sound to break the quiet. Every sharp impact of the rocks sent jolts of adrenaline through me, as if startling my senses for the first time. My eyes strained at the brightness of the full moon and for a moment I lost sight of Shadow against the dark beach. I rapidly scanned the area trying to locate him, panic rising and unsure why I should be so afraid to be separated from the ethereal animal. Once my eyes had adjusted to the light, I tracked him to where I expected him to be, winding his way forward toward the waters edge. Padding his light feet across the uneven surface provided no more obstacle to his speed than the flat ground had done. I made my way forward awkwardly, my haste to catch up causing me to stumble repeatedly. As he entered the water and continued walking I clenched my fists in an attempt to clamp in place the horror I felt rising through my body. Shadow did not swim on the surface, but simply walked along the sea bed as if the water were not there. I forced my feet forward, the compulsion to join him overriding my aversion to the cold ocean. I splashed through the water, tasting salt on my lips and did not relent even as the level rose to my chest. My feet remained anchored the floor as his had and unable to float, my head inevitably submerged. 

Forcing my eyes open, I spotted his tiny frame meandering through the debris below and I continued onward, until finally, blessedly he stopped. He turned to face me, his emerald eyes shining with the reflections of the water then sat on his haunches and waited. The light of the moon was tinged green and barely reached us through the thick soup. I stood motionless, until inevitably my body began to scream for air. The fear that had hounded me since the beginning of our ramble raised its game. My chest convulsed, desperate to breathe, yet I could no more move from my place than if my feet had been set in concrete. My eyes darted, my arms thrashed and my body twisted, all without command from me. Eventually my lips separated and despite my dread and constant will to keep them closed, they allowed the ocean to invade. Water filled my lungs and the surrounding darkness finally closed in on the edges of my sight.

The alarm clock read 03:00am. I took in several deep breaths of sweet, warm air and consciously blew them out. The nightmare had plagued me since I was a child and had become such a part of my life that I could now dissipate the horror of it quickly. Shadow would not visit every night, but often enough that he had become familiar. I forever reasoned that there was nothing inherently terrifying about his presence and nothing to force me to follow his lead. Yet still I could not convince my mind not to be consumed with fear each time I compulsively walked the imaginary forest path and into the water. I could never summon the strength to resist his pull on me. Instead I continued the cycle of trailing the cat through my dreams to the inevitable conclusion and then upon waking, strangely always at exactly three in the morning, I would roll over and finally get the rest I needed.

Morning broke after that particular night and I rose on stiff legs, stretched out and made my way into my usual weekday routine. Shower, work clothes, breakfast and out the door to face the day. I had learnt well how to leave Shadow behind and move on with my life. Therapy insisted upon my young self by my parents could not banish him, but it had given me the understanding that he was simply a manifestation of my mind and could not truly harm me.

“Looking tired Zack! Everything alright?” Lauren asked. As my closest co-worker, I am certain the question was intended to show care and concern, but I had learnt long ago to avoid sharing too much with colleagues.

“Yeah I’m all good, Lauren. Didn’t sleep well but don’t worry I’ll get those reports out today.” I answered, steering the conversation back to a more professional topic.

I worked through that morning, doing as I promised and generating my reports, jumping through my hoops and being a dutiful employee. By lunch my stomach was rumbling and I had all but forgotten about Shadow’s visit. I felt my mind wandering as the afternoon dragged on, day dreaming about this or that, tapping and clicking my pen and impatiently waiting for the clock to run out. My feet twitched with a desire to be moving and as the day was drawing to a close, I felt relief welling that it was almost over. The pile of folders dropped onto my desk without warning immediately replaced that relaxation with a tight dread, reminiscent of the one I had felt during the previous witching hour.

“Sorry Zack, gonna be a late one after all” Lauren said with a grin. I wondered why she would be so pleased at the extra work and dismissed the fanciful notion that it was to spend time alone with me.

Throughout the evening my hands grew more cramped with the speed of my typing and my legs tired from the constant tapping of my foot. My sighs grew more common and even Lauren seemed to be regretting the overtime. The light continually faded and when my last file was moved onto to the done pile, I looked out the large windows to darkness.

“That’s me done.” I declared.

“Oh great. Me too!” Lauren said, placing her own final batch of papers down a few moments later and beginning to collect up her things. “Hey Zack, mind walking me to my car? I didn’t realise it would be so dark when we left, so I parked a little far out.”

“Sure, of course.” I said. As if I could say anything else.

I was suddenly nervous as we rode the elevator to the ground floor. My words became stunted as I attempted small talk with my long time office mate. It was as if leaving our usual place of interaction made her a stranger. I persevered across the parking lot and as we reached her car, she turned. The same apprehension showed in her clipped speech and shy smiles.

“Well, this is me,” she said with a nervous chuckle “thank you again for escorting me. I get nervous after dark.”

“No problem,” I said “ask me any time.”

“I will,” she responded, this time with a genuine glowing smile crossing her face and a creasing of her eyes “see you tomorrow”

“See you tomorrow, Lauren.” I said and turned, now certain that there was something there. How I had never seen it before I wasn’t sure, but a flame of hope kindled inside, igniting an excitement I wouldn’t have expected. It was only an inkling of a connection, but I could not help believing that it could be leading to something good.

Street lights intermittently lit my smiles as I drove home in a newly discovered good mood. I even let it go when a careless driver cut into my lane out of the darkness. I decided to take a different route on a whim, not wanting any further incompetence to risk spoiling my joy or my recently serviced car. I took the riverside road, looking out onto the city lights on the other side as they appeared in gaps through the trees. After some time of cruising along the slower lane I spotted a large sign, half obscured by a wooded area, but visible enough under my headlights to take my breath away. It was in the shape of a huge, black cat with striking green eyes. Eerily reminiscent of the markings Shadow bore in my dreams. Beneath the wooden animal, in large letters it displayed ‘The Black Cat Inn’ combined with an arrow directing traffic down its unsurfaced road toward the river. On impulse, I took the turn. Shaking my head at my own insanity, I figured, what harm could it do to take a look.

Driving down the rough lane over the stones felt familiar, the large trees closed the sky out above and darkness blocked the view to either side. I felt none of the fear of my nightmares, only a persistent curiosity. I passed one or two more signs, reassuring me I was still on my way to ‘The Black Cat’ and finally pulled into a wide area of gravel, resplendent with weeds. The old inn had seen better days. It was clearly derelict and had once been boarded up. The timber of its walls was sagging and vagrants and teens had clearly found their way in by the broken bottles and gaps in the sealed entryways. It was a shame, I had begun to hope that something found there would jog a memory. A recollection that might finally shake loose my night time obsession with Shadow and his trail.

My mini adventure had not been a complete loss. The old Inn had an incredible view of the city beyond, fronted by the wide river and set against the main highway bridge that crossed the water. I sat there for some time admiring the view, watching the lights of the traffic crossing the bridge and glimpsing what stars were allowed to shine through. Perhaps this would be a romantic spot to bring Lauren one day, if things worked out. Either that or she would think I planned to murder her in an abandoned building under a bridge. Likely a better outing under daylight, I considered.

A sudden, deafening scrape and crash shocked me out of my absent thoughts and admiration of the landscape. With horror my eyes caught something my mind could not grasp. A coach, loaded with people was falling from above. Having burst through the barriers of the bridge it plummeted toward the flowing river. Seeming to move in slow motion it took an age to hit, but when it did, the incredible volume of sound and the specks of water that landed on my windshield drew me from my shock. I battled with my car door and raced to the waters edge, where I froze. All of the possible options cascaded through my thoughts. Others above would be calling for help. They wouldn’t get here in time. No one up there could jump from so high. The coach was sinking. Hands pressed against the windows. Trapped. They were all going to die. No one could help. Only me. 

Ignoring any hesitant thoughts, I flipped off my shoes and dragged my shirt over my head, then dove into the water. The cold of it hit my face like a thousand cuts, searing pain through the inside of my skull. I swam forward anyway. It was not far to where the vehicle had hit, the river bed dropped off sharply into deeper water. The coach was sinking slowly, remaining buoyant for now but as I approached I could see the water level rising past the windows. I grasped a ladder that ran up the rear of the coach, thanking profusely the engineer who thought to include such a thing. Once on top I slammed my heel with a grunt into the large sunroof again and again until it shattered, peeling away in one piece and dropping down inside. A crowd of faces and raised hands greeted me and I went to work hauling them upward. I was not a strong man, living a sedentary life of pencil pushing and only the occasional gym visit, but I found a limitless strength that night. One by one the passengers alighted onto the roof of the long vehicle before leaping into the cold waters to retreat to the safety of ‘The Black Cat’. The coach sank as fast as it emptied and water began pouring into the hold. When the grasping hands ran out I knelt and placed my weight on burning arms, pushing my head through the portal and glancing about. A mother and two young children. Huddled in the far corner. Terrified. Paralysed.

Without time for thought I dropped myself down inside. I fell into water that reached my knees. I don’t remember what I yelled, but the words cascaded from me with increasing anger as I waded forward. They were met with only a shaking head and trembling hands clasped in protection around two toddlers. Protection that would kill them. I waded the length of the coach and ripped the woman to her feet. I bundled a child over each shoulder and pulled the three of them back through water that was then at my waist. I lifted both children up and out, they were thankfully wise enough to pull themselves over the edge. Then held out my interlaced hands in the universal signal for a leg up. I sighed in relief and offered a reassuring smile when the mother responded, half launching herself upward after her children. I glanced around and saw nothing more than water, now at my chest. If anyone else was inside, it was too late. I had assumed the driver dead on impact. I raised my arms up, the high waters assisting in my reach, but as my fingers clipped the edges of the sunroof, a torrent of water rushed in.

I reasoned, even in my panic, that the coach roof must have dropped below the surface, welcoming the river inside. I rolled and flipped below the whirlpool of meeting currents. Unable to think, breathe or act I thrashed outward, trying desperately to find a purchase. I failed. The waters eventually stilled of their own accord, settling as the entire coach was submerged. I watched the light of the surface rapidly diminishing as the coach dropped, with me caught inside like a fish in a trap. Suspended in the liquid, I waited until it thumped into the river bed, hoping it would then hold still enough that I could escape its embrace. The impact was stronger than I expected and it threw me sideways. The weak metal of the outer walls crumpled, pushing inward the lines of chairs as if they were paper. The weight of the water was immense and before I could react at all, I felt the metal bars of the coaches interior close around my leg.

That was the moment I gave up. Enough time without air had passed that I was struggling to reason, but I knew, even before looking, that the mess of steel around my leg would not allow me to escape. What I had done that day had been enough to allow my soul to let go. An achievement to give my entire life meaning and purpose. A calm acceptance overwhelmed me and as blackness began to inch into the edges of my vision, I laid back in the centre aisle, floating on a bed of water and staring at the surface high above through the broken sun roof. It was then that I felt him. Shadow. He laid himself down on my chest, snuggling into my neck and I wrapped my arms around him, stroking his velvet fur. He no longer instilled any terror, instead offered only comfort and easement. Accompanying me as an old friend, his work done, we held each other close until everything went dark.