My childhood

While going through the school notebooks,I recalled that I always loved the stars and the Moon. I ran to the terrace and sat opposite to the Moon. After being mesmerized by the beauty, I closed my eyes. I was on an unknown path where trees enclosed half of the sky. It was dark. A bright white light blurred my vision and when I opened my eyes, a little girl was standing in front of me. She was smiling and there was a sparkling on her eyes that I can't escape from. I asked her gently "who are you?". She came closer and hugged me like a baby and said "I'm your childhood where you left all your happiness,innocence and dreamy eyes." I shocked and realized that I lost my inner child and my childhood before a long time ago. I looked into her eyes and that sparkling was there. She asked "Can you say what is sparkling in my eyes?" I remained silent.She continued " They are your dreams and excitements". I hugged her tightly so that I want her till my death. Suddenly, I opened my eyes and I was alone. Flashbacks of my childhood memories clouded my mind. I was an active kid with lots of dreams. I always loved to play cricket but my step-mother was not at all happy with it. She scolded me and left me hungry. But my father was supportive and loved me purely. Before going to bed, I loved to watch the stars and the Moon and shared all my dreams. My father once said that the stars are our passed loved ones and I believed that the star which always smiled the brightest was my mother. My father said me that she always wanted to see my face but she left the world after giving birth to me. I wrote and draw my dreams, happiness, wishes in my notebooks. I wanted to a writer or an artist. I also want to be a cricket player. Most of the times, I was lost in my dreamy world. When my father became ill and weak, my step-mother stopped my schooling. I was 15 years old at that time and she insisted me to work. I worked as babysitter and maid. I missed my mother when I saw the house owner ladies playing with their babies. I was doing my writings and drawings in my free time. But medicines for my father's illness was so costly and we can't afford that. So I have to work daily two jobs for making money for running the house. After 18 years old, I got married to a person who was not my choice. He was 27 at that time and became village chief at the age of 34 with his smartness.I became mother for three children at the age of 23 . Two boys and one girl. It was hard for me to handle household and motherhood at that age. But I don't have any right to raise my voice against the domestic violence.I felt alone. My day started in kitchen and ended in between the hard masculine hands of my husband. I lost my touch with my dreams and my childhood. I lived for my family and I felt like a waste. At the age of 40,I appeared as a sixty years old lady. My husband found a new woman and slept with her. I felt abandoned and unattractive.Low self-esteem and self -worth issues started to emerge inside me. I remained silent and there was no one I can open up to. My children always followed their father. I tried to stop my daughter to get married at the age of 18, but I failed. I was happy that at least I was there to give her the help she needed in pregnancy and household. Now I'm 56 years old and appeared older than my age. I always want to know why women cornered as inferior or weak. Why women are not allowed to dream big or want to do things that boys do.Why women are not allowed to go for her dreams even after her marriage.Why women are meant to cry in the darkness and be a victim for her lifelong.Why women is only considered to be a sexual material and consider her beauty of body.Why society can't raise their voice against these violence even there is a law for women. Why women are always taught to be weak,half-minded,foolish and as slaves. Why women are not allowed to spread her wings and be free as a bird. Why some harsh rules and regulations implemented in her life. I felt a stone on my chest and a bursting pain. Why women are considered to be a toy in hands of men and why society is appreciating if men have more than one wife and women are called to be prostitute if she do the same.It doesn't seem to be make any sense to me and I felt confused and overwhelmed.I know no one will answer these questions and others will kill me if I raise my voice. I felt so anxious and stressed as a teenager who always overthink about the future. I want my dreamy eyes back and that child who was so innocent.That child gave me some hopes and when she hugged me I felt loved after a long time. That sparkling reminded me about a star which give light for my path. But my fears are just killing me. I felt hopeless again.But the question is Is it too late?.I don't know.

I cried for my dreams. But I perceived I'm a wife and a mother. I felt lost and comforted myself by saying " It's your fate". The word I always said to myself in my life. I hated myself for saying that word but I don't have any other options. I tried to smile in tears and felt pain in doing that. I looked up the sky and smiled like a five year old baby. Stars are still smiling and saying something to me.